Addiction to Alcohol/my husband's drinking

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Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 2/29/2008


Question
QUESTION: i recently confronted my husband about his alcoholism. it wasn't in the way that the online advisors suggest it be done, but it was a crisis. he had been violent the previous time he got drunk and i was afraid to have him in the house when i saw that he was drunk again. we were in the car; i told him to get out, that he was not coming into the house that way.
so....he is gone. it's been over a week. i got a call from his godfather, whom he apparently contacted, confessing his problem and asking for money. i don't know where he is, nor does his godfather, except that he mentioned something about finding a room. i get an occasional email.
i guess i am asking what i can do, even though i realize you can't really help me much in such a bizarre situation. i was thinking about al anon and about talking to him about AA, but i have read some stuff online about both organizations being somehow messed up these days....
i am lost.
any thoughts you might share would mean a great deal to me. thank you

ANSWER: Greetings to you, Pamela.

I hear your situation, and you have done the right thing.  And if you are in any way concerned about your husband possibly coming back to the house and becoming violent, now is the time to obtain a protective restraining order.

You have written:

>> i was thinking about al anon and about talking to him about AA, but i have read some stuff online about both organizations being somehow messed up these days....

Yes, there are some serious potential problems there.  However, it is also at least possible that you and/or your husband might still find a small group of folks or even just one or two people in either AA or Al-Anon who truly can help.  The bottom line there is to let “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, be your point of reference for information and experience.  And of course, I will gladly help you along that line as well as in any other way I can.  If you do not already have a copy, you can read the book online here for now:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
The chapter “To Wives” includes some experience with how and when to try talking with your husband, and I am sure the very least you would want to do is to try to let him know permanent recovery truly *is* available to anyone who wants it.

Please know you are always welcomed to write at any time,

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
Forum: http://xsorbit28.com/users5/restored/ (new)


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thanks so much for your very prompt reply. i have heard from my husband's mother, who lives in another country. she informs me that he has been at a homeless shelter - i looked it up online and they have daily AA meetings, so i am hopeful he has availed himself of that. he called me the other day and wants to meet today. i imagine we will talk about what steps to take toward recovery and his return. i would like to buy the AA  book...i am guessing i can find it on amazon?
again, thanks. i will reappear if other questions arise. :-)

Answer
Greetings again, Pamela.

Yes, you can probably get a copy of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, just about anywhere.  If you have not already found one online, you might call a local AA number and ask about obtaining one from a nearby service or intergroup office.

You have written:

>> he has been at a homeless shelter - i looked it up online and they have daily AA meetings, so i am hopeful he has availed himself of that.
>> he called me the other day and wants to meet today.
>> i imagine we will talk about what steps to take toward recovery and his return.

It is important to understand from the beginning that abstinence from alcohol does *not* produce permanent recovery from chronic alcoholism.  You and your husband are going to be tempted to believe he is at least “doing better” either when or because he is not drinking, but abstinence does *not* address the internal issues that *will* eventually either pull or push him back to the bottle if they are not *properly* addressed.  And of course, the Twelve Steps are about properly addressing those issues.  So, try to begin grasping this:

You and your husband will now either actually *do* what is actually found in that book or he will soon return to drinking, and the stuff he has already heard about not drinking one-day-at-a-time is *not* found in that book!  Going twenty-four hours without a drink is sometimes possible between detox and the Steps, but that does *not* bring about recovery, and it is *not* evidence of recovery.  Permanent recovery from chronic alcoholism is something that happens following moral reconciliation and spiritual transformation, and nothing less will get the job done.

Please pardon me if I sound harsh.  The harshness of the truth is a reality here, and I only mean to present it clearly.

Please do stay in touch, and please ask questions as they come up!  And of course, I will gladly help the two of you “take the Steps” together.

Joseph Lee O.

Addiction to Alcohol

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Joseph Lee O.

Expertise

Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.

Experience

The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken. Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along. At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ... ... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.

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