Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 2/25/2008

Question
Thank you for your previous reply. So much has happened in last few days. Iv just found out that 1 of the women he living with has just had his baby! I think iv hit my own rock bottom. Of course he denies that its his child, this woman as the other 1 drinks heavily (i dont think they alcoholics) they also use drugs. He is stil telling me that its me he loves and want to be with me coz he knows i can keep him straight? i know he can only keep himself straight. I really dont know what to make of all of this i am deeply hurt. I have told him that i want nothing to do with him until he sober and can be truthful. I myself dont drink, i hav been supportive, loving and loyal. He stil denies that he having anything to do with her. Now iv ended up confused. Have i done right thing by telling him no contact with me or should i stick around and wait for him to 'see sense' when reality hits him? Thank you so much. From Heidi UK (VERY HURT WIFE)

Answer
Greetings again, Heidi.

You have written:

>> I think iv hit my own rock bottom.

Yes, in a sense, and just remain still for a bit.  Things could get worse if you try doing much of anything right now.

>> He is stil telling me that its me he loves and want to be with me coz he knows i can keep him straight?

Do not fall for that line.  He is dealing with guilt, shame and remorse, he wants to do right and you play a large part in that desire, but he is a long way from being able to actually make good on it.

>> i know he can only keep himself straight.

Actually, neither of you can do that.  If he is a real alcoholic, he cannot control his drinking once he starts, and neither can he remain sober once he stops:

"For those who are unable to drink moderately the question is how to stop altogether.  We are assuming, of course, that the reader desires to stop.  Whether such a person can quit upon a nonspiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not.  Many of us felt that we had plenty of character.  There was a tremendous urge to cease forever.  Yet we found it impossible.  This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish." ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 34)

In order to recover from his chronic alcoholism, he is going to have to do what is shared in "Alcoholics Anonymous", the book.

>> I really dont know what to make of all of this i am deeply hurt.

You are experiencing some manifestations of a confused and sick mind:

“An illness of this sort - and we have come to believe it an illness - involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can.  If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt.  But no so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while in life.  It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's.  It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents - anyone can increase the list.
“We hope this volume will inform and comfort those who are, or who may be affected.  There are many.” (page 18)

Read the chapter “To Wives” here:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

>> I have told him that i want nothing to do with him until he sober and can be truthful.

That is good – stay right there for now.

You have asked:

>> Have i done right thing by telling him no contact with me or should i stick around and wait for him to 'see sense' when reality hits him?

Tell him you are watching for his permanent recovery, and tell him you have heard he can find that experience in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book ... and please keep me posted.

Joseph Lee O.