Expert: Rebos - 2/13/2008

Question
I have been with "T" for almost 10 years.  
He has has a DUI and fractured his neck, due to drinking.   He now has problems with his stomach(acid reflux),a spot on his gallbladders, kidney stones and he very frequently has colds and the flu. He also throws up a lot
When he is drinking, he is very nasty and impatient towards me and the children (age 14 and 11 from previous relationship).  We can not do anything right and we are too demanding.
Yet, he can go over to his friends house, (they are severe alcoholics...all day every day..and they have 3 kids.)take them to run their errands, because they can't afford a  car(the husband makes over $100 000yr and they are broke 2days after payday, and they are always late with bills and rent)anyway..."T" never complains about helping out his friends, but gets in a bad temper with his family, about everything.
He used to look at me, like he adored me, now the look I get is more like he despises me.
I only drink a couple times a year, and am very upfront with how his drinking is hurting him.  I love him very much, but truthfully, I do not know where the man I feel in love with went.  He was kind and funny and we could talk about anything.
Now, everytime I even try to open my mouth, he responds with comments like, "don't even go there" or "don't start."
I try to explain, that I just want to discuss something, I am not demanding anything.
He can sit around and drink with those friends, who get very loud, obnoxious and fight constantly, but when he stays home, he is miserable/or sick and usually falls asleep, after making the rest of us anxious and hurt.
I guess my question is, why does an alcoholic hate the people that love and care about him, and like the people that care nothing of his health or well being?
I try not to nag and I let him know that I am only trying to watch out for his best interests.  

Answer
Good evening Lisa and thank you for your question. I’m sorry that I beg to differ with you. Your husband has found a new mistress by the name of Alcohol and alcoholics are not capable of being a loving husband, father or even a friend. His mistress will not allow him to love anything but her. Alcoholics have “victims” and they take “hostages” and that's they are capable of loving… is their alcohol. Whether or not you intend to stay married to this man I implore you to attend Alanon and your children attend Alateen meetings (which are sponsored by Alanon). If you don’t already know, Alanon is a world–wide “anonymous program” attended by people who have an alcoholic in their lives and don’t know what to do about it. By attending Alanon meetings you will find that your situation is not quite as unique as you may think. At Alanon you will learn about the disease of alcoholism and how you can manage “YOUR” unmanageable life as a result of your husband’s alcoholism. You will quickly be relieved to learn that there is hope for you, as others have who you will meet there. There is no cost to attend, and meetings usually last about an hour. As a fringe benefit, in addition to learning how to help you contend with your husband’s drinking you may (if you choose) also make many long lasting friendships. At the meetings you will learn how to “say what you mean… mean what you say and… not be mean when you say it”. You will learn how to emotionally detach from your husband’s alcoholism… with love. You will also learn how to live “guilt free” when you find that you are not the problem but the victim. Also you will learn how to be strong enough to resist the negative influence that he has over your life. Alanon is intended to help you, not the alcoholic directly. If it is at all possible to help your husband you must first learn to help yourself. Alcoholism is a societal disease that affects everyone who comes into contact with an active alcoholic. Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information and understand the disease for what it really is, your efforts to help will be a waste of time. For meeting locations, you can call your local Alanon chapter by checking your local phone book under "Alcoholism" or calling the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525. Your children should be protected at all times from the negative influence that living with a drunken father will place upon them! What ever you do never make any threats to him that you are not willing to follow through on. You happen to be a barrier to him being able to drink the way he wants to… that’s why he looks at you in disgust. Please, please, please get to an Alanon meeting as soon as you can and make sure that you take your children to Alateen!

If I can be of any help to you please send me a follow-up question. Thank you Rebos