Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 2/23/2008

Question
Hi - after many ups and downs with my partner over his constant alcohol abuse and its negative affect on our relationship i have decided to call it quits. I told him i would stay if he gave it up but of course he said no way - he doesnt need to he says. He has offered to cut back his consumption many times over the years but that failed. he refuses to seek any couselling. Now he has PROMISED again to cut back for real this time and want me to monitor his intake. Should I accept this of him knowing it wont happen? He used the line '"couples in relationships have to compromise'" and "'you always have to have your way - if its not alcohol it will be something else you have a problem with". Should i work through this even though i dont want to? We have a child toghther.

Answer
Greetings to you, Heather.

If your partner truly is alcoholic, and I do not suggest he is not, his promise to “cut back” will never be fulfilled in any lasting way even if you do monitor his intake.  In certain people, there is some abnormal body chemistry that takes place whenever alcohol is present, making normal or controlled drinking virtually impossible, and no amount of will power or determination or anything else is going to overcome that.  For the alcoholic, one drink is always too many because then a thousand are never enough.

You have written:

>> I told him i would stay if he gave it up ... he doesn’t need to he says.

For just as long as he believes drinking is a good idea, he is going to drink even if his doing so brings myriad problems upon himself.  At least for a time, alcohol does something *for* the alcoholic at the mental and emotional levels that is does not do for other people, and that “effect” trumps clear thinking.  In my own case many years ago, telling me I should stop drinking came across about the same as suggesting I begin living with a plastic bag over my head.  Just as we all need air to breathe, I needed something to make me feel okay inside.  Spiritual transformation ultimately took care of that for me and for many others, but not until we had become completely bankrupt in the self-management department.

>> He has offered to cut back his consumption many times over the years but that failed.

For as long as he drinks, that will be the case.

>> he refuses to seek any couselling.

Ego, fear, fear, ignorance and self-esteem all come into play there.  He knows he has a right to do as he pleases, he believes he can (or at least should be able to) manage his own affairs just fine, and he is afraid of admitting he might have any kind of internal problem because that would require admitting he does not know what that problem is as well as becoming dependent upon knowledge from outside himself.  All of that makes him an ego-maniac with an inferiority complex, and it will take someone just like him who has recovered to help him.

>> Now he has PROMISED again to cut back for real this time and want me to monitor his intake.
>> Should I accept this of him knowing it wont happen?

I cannot make that decision for you, but I can suggest you might offer to help him with this “test” straight from “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:

“We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself.  Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking.  Try to drink and stop abruptly.  Try it more than once.  It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it.  It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition.” (pages 31-32)

In other words, tell him you will give him one normal drink per hour around dinnertime in the evening for a grand total of three drinks per day for two weeks.  If he is the kind of drinker I used to be, he will likely explode at that suggestion.  But, tell him this might be a way for both of you to finally know for certain whether he will ever be able to drink normally and safely.  However, be prepared for a completely new challenge after he fails that test, for here is alcoholic test two:

“As we look back, we feel we had gone on drinking many years beyond the point where we could quit on our will power.  If anyone questions whether he has entered this dangerous area, let him try leaving liquor alone for one year.  If he is a real alcoholic and very far advanced, there is scant chance of success.  In the early days of our drinking we occasionally remained sober for a year or more, becoming serious drinkers again later.  Though you may be able to stop for a considerable period, you may yet be a potential alcoholic.  We think few, to whom this book will appeal, can stay dry anything like a year.  Some will be drunk the day after making their resolutions; most of them within a few weeks.
“For those who are unable to drink moderately the question is how to stop altogether.  We are assuming, of course, that the reader desires to stop.  Whether such a person can quit upon a nonspiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not.  Many of us felt that we had plenty of character.  There was a tremendous urge to cease forever.  Yet we found it impossible.  This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish.” (page 34)

>> He used the line '"couples in relationships have to compromise'" ...

If one or the other of you had just about any other malady or illness, the well partner might have to make one or more sacrifices for the sake of either or both of you or for the sake of any children involved.  That is the “in sickness and in health, until parted by death” element of traditional marriage vows.  But in the case of alcoholism, “compromise” ultimately amounts to everyone agreeing to painfully die together:

“An illness of this sort - and we have come to believe it an illness - involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can.  If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt.  But no so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while in life.  It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's.  It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents - anyone can increase the list.
“We hope this volume will inform and comfort those who are, or who may be affected.  There are many.” (page 18)

>> He used the line ... "'you always have to have your way ...

This is not about either your way or his, but about life for everyone.

>> He used the line ... - if its not alcohol it will be something else you have a problem with".

Fortunately, you would “have a problem” with anything that destroys anyone!  But the fact here is this: He knows he would have an even bigger problem to face if he decided to try to live without drinking.

You have asked:

>> Should i work through this even though i dont want to? We have a child toghther.

With the overall odds of controlled drinking or permanent recovery being what they are, and yet with a child in the picture, that is a difficult call to make.  You might tell him you will do whatever you can to either help him or to support him as he finds out about alcoholism and what it takes to recover, but that his refusal to do that and to seek the help he needs will leave you with no option but to get as far away from him as possible until he can truly provide a safe and sane home for everyone.  And along that line, you might consider reading the chapter “To Wives” in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Please know you are always welcomed to write again,

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
Forum: http://xsorbit28.com/users5/restored/ (new)