Expert: Clyde - 2/22/2008

Question
I am in a 5 year relationship where my boyfriend has drunk every day/365 days a year. He drinks alot and binges on the weekends which causes him to mentally abuse me and argue. I dont drink and we have a 1 year old together. His body is able to tolerate alot of alcohol before he gets really drink so i cop the worst of it on weekends when he is socializing. It makes me upset and miserable all the time thinking about the weekends. Do i need to justify leaving a drinker when life isnt all bad all the time? I hate the rollercoaster i am on and want to live a normal/alcohol free life. He thinks he has no problem and that if i left i would be ''running away'' from the relationship instead of talking and working it out. I feel like  i have told him too many times that the alcohol is causing all our problems but he doesnt agree - he thinks it is ''something else". He comments that he has ''always been a drinker and always will be''. Its just not working for me! The guilt of leaving is overwhelming. How do i decide whether staying or going is the answer?


Answer
Heather,
    Thank you for your story and your questions.  It is a pretty good bet that your boyfriend is an alcoholic but it is for him to decide that for himself.  Anyone who drinks every day and more on some is certainly displaying a behavior that is very selfish.  Bottom line, that is what we learn as recovering alcoholics - that we are selfish and self-centered individuals.  It is all about self.

    When loved ones let us know that alcohol appears to have something to do with relationship problems, a smart, rational, and self-confident individual would give that some serious thought and probably arrive rather quickly at the decision that there is only one thing to do, and one thing only - the alcohol has to go!

    BUT, and here is the rub, the alcohol has become too much of a crutch.  It is a way of living and extremely difficult to quit.  It takes a lot of effort and a lot of gut-level honesty to admit alcohol is destructive to our relationships.

    You have every right to say enough is enough and make the break with living with alcoholism as it currently exists in your home.  It is your right to finally say that you will not tolerate it as it is right now.  That does not say what you will do but it says that something must change.  Then decisions can be made based on his response to the fact that you've had it.

     That might mean counseling and a serious look at the alcohol problem with rigorous honesty.  It is probably something he can not do.  Recovery is a decision and someone must choose to change behaviors such as drinking.  But it does give him a chance to reconsider what he is about to lose - a family, and probably a whole lot more.  Based on my opinion of our responsibility to committed relationships, we do not walk away without stating our position and then giving the other a chance to meet us in the middle.  I only say "the middle" in your situation because if he is not an alcoholic, then maybe there is a chance that he would drink responsibly and respectfully.  He does not show any respect for others with his present drinking habits.

     He seems to be pretty set in his ways having commented "always been a drinker and always will be."  You are not and do not wish to be.  Sorry, but he has made a pretty flat statement and if that doesn't work for you, you're absolved of any guilt at leaving because it really becomes an issue of grieving the loss of a relationship as it used to be.  That opens up a whole new set of emotions.  Deal with that if that is where this thing goes. We can talk about that then.

     You will want to consider the ramifications on the little one you have together.  If at all possible, I hope there may be a chance that his love for you and the little one would win out over alcohol.  That would be my prayer.  Personally, I believe that a miracle would have to happen but it might. God only knows.

     There are a ton of good things in life for you to find.  Alcoholic lifestyles are not one of them.  You have already found that out.  All you need to do is decide what is best for Heather.  With God's help you'll make that decision and it will be best for your child and ultimately for him.

     Hope this helps.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde