Expert: Rebos - 3/3/2008

Question
My boyfriend of 2 yrs drinks at least a 6 pack of beer a day but he doesn't necessarily get drunk unless it an excessive amount of beer of hard liquor. He started drink when he was 14 and I believe alcoholism runs in his family. I think drinks because his mother passed away 3yrs ago. I want to know what should I do about it. He won't stop he promises but never does anything. I love him. But I don't know if I should leave him or stay with him. I can't take the verbal abuse. What should I do?

Answer
Good morning Shanika and thank you for your question. First off; your boyfriend’s verbal abuse should never be tolerated. If you allow it to continue there is a good chance that his abuse will end up being physical. Furthermore, if he is still using the death of his mother (after three years) as an excuse to drink, then your boyfriend has other problems beyond drinking alcohol. Alcoholism is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that your boyfriend has and if he doesn’t go to a program of recovery (like AA) then his drinking problem will get worse!

Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Every time you allow your boyfriend to get away with being irresponsible, you are really buying him his next drink. Alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They can’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have “victims” and they take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling your boyfriend will not only destroy him, but also take you with him. He is belligerent towards you because he has a personality change when he drinks. An alcoholic will lie, cheat and even steal to protect their right to drink. You say that you love him… but to tell you the truth… he really can’t love you or anyone else, because his best friend and lover has become alcohol! All the threatening in the world will not convince him to stop drinking because he down deep is afraid to stop.

If you have read any of my previous answers the advice that I have given to others that have been in your position is to recommend Alanon meetings, that is, if you intend to remain in the relationship with an active alcoholic. As a matter of fact even if an alcoholic is in a recovery program like Alcoholics Anonymous I still recommend that the spouse or girlfriend attend Alanon meetings! I assume that you know what Al-Anon is. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone (negatively) that comes into contact with an alcoholic. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your boyfriend’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

If I can be of further help to you please send me a follow-up message. Thank you Rebos