Expert: Rebos - 3/17/2008

Question
Dear Rebos,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years, and we have been living together for about 3 years. In the beginning, we went out and drank socially.  However, over the years his drinking has escalated beyond social.  He drinks on an almost daily basis, and on the weekends is definitely in "party mode" and usually ends up drunk. I am 33 years old, and have the occasional glass of wine myself, but I do not drink on a daily basis, nor do I have the desire to "have to get drunk".  Our different views on drinking has caused many arguments in my home.  While I am on my way to bed at a reasonable hour on a work night, he will hang out in our garage by himself and drink until 1 or 2 in the morning. All of his friends and co-workers are hard core drinkers, so that does not help my situation either. His drinking escapades interrupt my sleep, and have on many occasions escalated into midnight arguments because I am so angry and so frustrated that he acts like a college kid - and he is 31 years old.  He is a wonderful person - when he doesn't drink. He has a great job and is very responsible.  He owns the home we live in, and pays the bills on time.  I would consider him a "functioning alcoholic", and that really disturbs me.  Since he is basically his own boss, he makes his own hours and does not have the time constraints like I do in my 9-5 job.  Therefore, he does not have to be at work at a certain time every morning, enabling him to "sleep off a hangover" if necessary.   He claims that I am "set in my ways, and set in my own schedule"  and that "I cannot let loose and have any fun" because I disagree with his lifestyle. We argue a lot and most of the time, I am left to feel frustrated, irritated, and he makes me feel like this is all my problem and that I am crazy. I have thought on many occasions of leaving, and have even gone as far as researching apartments and looking at apartments to move on with my life.  However, everytime I do this he then acts normal and slows his drinking and confuses me because then I have the wonderful person I met to begin with.  And then, I feel guilty about leaving.  Am I wrong for feeling this way?  I love him but honestly, I don't know if I can continue living in this roller coaster lifestyle, and I don't see his drinking stopping anytime soon.  In many of our arguments, he claims that "that's who he is and I don't love him for who he is" and "if I can't accept that he drinks it's my problem" instead of admitting that he has a drinking problem.  It is a sad situation because he really is a nice person - who happens to be an alcoholic.  In addition to his alcoholism, he is a regular marijuana smoker, which bothers me as well.  I am a work-out fanatic, and a healthy eater, so I cannot understand his mentality of not caring about his health at all.  Any advice?  And if so, why do I feel guilty for thinking of leaving?  He is a very high strung individual who has anger issues as well, and if I try to reason with him and discuss why this relationship is not working, and work out a way to go our separate ways, he will just blow up and my clothes will end up on the front lawn - along with my other belongings.  Instead of reasoning with me like a rational person, he is unable to do so and therefore, my apartment search has been behind his back.  Should I try to work it out or should I cut my losses and realize that his alcoholism will never get better?  My family has watched this happen over the years and although they like him alot, they also agree that he has an alcohol problem and think I should cut my ties.  Please advise.

Thank you.

Answer
Good afternoon Jessica and thank you for your question.

As far as I can tell you have two choices; move out of his house and leave him for a normal way of life, or stay with him and have a lifetime of misery and unhappiness! BUT BEFORE YOU MAKE A DECISION TO LEAVE HIM… I suggest that you start to attend Alanon meetings and continue to attend regularly for the future (one day at a time). You may not be able to do anything about your boyfriend’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in YOUR life by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to help him by first learning to help yourself. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Alanon is where you will get better. What you need is to listen to others who are or have been in a similar situation that you are in now and have found an answer to their problem. I guarantee that if you attend Alanon regularly, and work on yourself…you will get better. That’s not to say that your boyfriend will get better because you go to Alanon, but you will learn how to detach from his illness with love and learn to hate the disease and not its victim. You have to give Alanon a chance to work for you…there are no quick fixes to your problem.

You may not like what I am going to say, but there is practically nothing that you can do to get him to stop drinking unless he hits his bottom, that is, being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Unfortunately a bottom can be as low as a person can get… plus six feet! You do realize that his drinking will eventually catch up to him and he will end up losing his business.

You seem to be an intelligent woman, so why are you willing to waste your life on a drunk who is unpredictable, to say the least. He will have you going into counseling by convincing you that you are the one who is sick! That’s the way that most drunks protect their right to continue drinking. It seems as though, from your e-mail, that if your boyfriend had to make a choice between YOU or BOOZE… hands down he would pick his booze. That fact may hurt you deeply, but you have to realize that he loves his drink more than he loves you! All addicted people do! Alcoholics have victims and take hostages. They don’t have wives, lovers, or children etc, because they are too self-centered.

Drinking alcoholically is but “a symptom of a deeper underlying problem” that must be faced up to by an alcoholic in order to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” with a content of only 0.05% of alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs).

I hope that I have helped you, but you are the one who must make the decision in order for it to be meaningful. Believe me when I tell you that he wont lose any sleep over your leaving him other than maybe calling you up when he is drunk trying to convince you to give him another chance. You have become an “enabler” because you are not holing him responsible for his unacceptable behavior. If I can be of further help please don’t hesitate to contact me again. Thank you Rebos