Expert: Druideck - 3/20/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hello, I am living with a man who has almost 2 years sobriety - this time and is a survivor the the Residential School System.I don't drink - rarely when I did.  I am so confused by his behavior.  He makes promises to do things around the house, but never follows through.  He resents it when I ask him to help me with the housework - even though he is a very clean person.  I feel like I constantly have to stroke his ego and give him support and encouragement.

He is a very loving, caring, smart, helpful man but I am baffled by his actions.  I don't know whether I'm coming or going and I'm beginningn to wonder if I'm becoming a shrew and am going crazy.  I've learned that he has gone on "dry drunks" - very scary!!  He does not go to AA even though he has promised to do so.  He has been in treatment before but he seems to hit a wall and goes no further.

I love this man, and want to stick it out but I don't know what to do.  

Can you please give me some insight into the alcoholic mind?

ANSWER: Yvonne,

I know it must be difficult to live with
a struggling alcoholic. The problem
with some drinkers is they have some desire
to get sober for one reason or another but
the changes are very hard to do without
help from a program like the twelve steps
of AA. Two years is not a very long time
in sobriety, it may seem it is but
I talk from first hand experience.

He may not like housework which would explain
his reluctance to do any. Most of us mature
emotionally to realize our part in a relationship
includes helping out.
Alcoholics do not mature emotionally when drinking
as drinking covers up the experience they would
gain if sober to handle relationships, stress
and feelings.
Upon reaching sobriety alcoholics have to deal with
years of emotional turmoil and this results in
many confusing thoughts and possibly actions.
I would guess that he is having as much trouble
as you in trying to understand how to live again sober.

Trying to have an equal partership with someone that
is still struggling to know himself and gain the strength
to be a whole person is very trying.
Without following the twelve step process he really
has no guide to help him change from his drinking mentality.
If he has dry drunks they will lead to wet drunks
without a program for sobriety.

You must also recognize that this is something he has
to do for himself and you have no
control at all. Change is difficult at best and
will not come unless he decides to change for himself.

Take care of yourself in this and give him the space
he needs to work on his confusion.
Encourage him to start reading the AA big book online
even if he resists the meetings.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
It might help to remember that he is very young
emotionally and has to work through all that
to get stronger. That is why he seems to need
so much support from you. Only do what you can
and leave the rest to him. No need to exhaust
yourself helping, you have needs too.













---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for responding so quickly; I get very worried about him because sometimes, without warning, he'll just stop talking, he won't respond to anything and gives me this blank look.  I did some research and when I came upon "Passive Aggressive" behaviour I thought they were talking about my husband - I feel as if he is punishing me with the silent treatment.  The first few times it happened, I got so worried, I thought he was in a depression because he would take to the bed for days without eating or speaking.

Is the silent treatment a weapon he is using against me?

He gets very impulsive sometimes and if he wants to do something or go somewhere and I don't answer him right away, he gets irritated and frustrated and tells me to forget it.  

He tells me that this is the 1st sober relationship he's been in - he's 62.  I've never been in a relationship with an alcoholic before.

I've got a male friend who is a recovering alcoholic and he told me that my husband doesn't know how to act in a sober relationship - no one has ever taught him how things are normally done (with regard to the finer art of housework).  

Why does the alcoholic think the world revolves around them?  Why, in sobriety do I constantly have to reassure him of his strengths and his goals and aspirations?

Is he unsure of himself and/or scared?

During our last disagreement (when he shut down and "sulks"), I told him he was emotionally stunted - not the best thing to tell a recovering alcoholic.

I've been to a few Al-anon meetings but there are only 2 older ladies there, and all they do is read from a book.  Am I permitted to go to open AA Meetings to gain insight into the alcoholic?  

Answer
Yvonne,

alcoholics are very impulsive and
have little patience. Your friend is right
about sober relationships. It is hard
enough for a emotionally mature "normal"
person to relate to another person every day.
It becomes even harder for a recovering alcoholic.

Unrecovered alcoholics are often very self-centered and
have alot of insecurity and fear about life
and other people.

He may be "passive-aggressive" as you mentioned.
If he thinks you are a threat he may
use whatever methods he can to control you and the
situation. Again, I can not see him changing
or things improving if he is not willing
to treat you fairly or discuss things with you.
Unfortunately he is playing a dangerous game
with his sobriety.

You must ask yourself if this is the kind of
relationship you want. Without attending AA
or working the twelve steps in his life, his
behaviour may not improve much.
He may end up drinking again unfortunately.

Alcoholics are stubborn and sometimes there is
little anyone can do to help them.

You can attend open AA meetings but it is he
that needs them the most.
Your understanding is admirable but can not
change who he is.
I suggest living as you like to live and
try to detach yourself from his behaviours.
He may not be able to give you what you want or
need in a relationship. This is disappointing
but the reality in a alcoholic's life.
Getting the responses from him you would like
to have is like trying to draw water from an empty well.
He needs many more years of a good recovery program like AA.