Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 3/24/2008

Question
I know NOTHING about AA other than it exists and has helped many people.
My son, 41 is currently in County Jail in Clarkesville GA for a DUI (one of several we believe).
He has been in a downward spiral for some time now.
He has NO JOB, NO PLACE TO LIVE, and NO FUNDS.  He has been telling lie after lie for who knows how long.  He has a 9yr old son which he is behind in Child Support and denies that as well.
He refuses to go and get a REAL job and currently is in denial of his situation.  He will be sentenced on Apr 3rd is our understanding.  I have shed many tears and right when I think I have no more...they appear.  However, this is NOT about ME.  This is about HIM and getting his life on track.  
Can you help me compile a constructive letter to him that possibly will encourage him to get help once he is released from jail?  We are certain that he WILL serve some jail time.  How much is unknown...depends on if a misdemeanor or Felony charge.  He used to be a loving sweet man.  When he was growing up, he was a terrific student...a goal setter and an achiever.  He received a scholarship to Wentworth Military Academy and was the youngest commissioned officer EVER at that time (19yrs old).  He went on to be a part of the reserves and studied to become a pilot at flight school...HOWEVER, he washed out.  We believe that it was due to drinking, but don't have hard evidence of that.  From that point on, we believe that is where his life began its downward turn.  Because he had NO skill set to deal with failure, HE DID NOT ACCEPT IT NOR DEAL it.  
His goal was to have a home and a good job prior to marrying....but he married a gal 8 years his senior and they were married about 7 years.  They divorced (which he never dealt with that either) which was another thing he vowed NEVER to do (Divorce....OR have a child out of wedlock).  She was gone for about a year and returned to the area where they lived.  They then had a son...(never re-married).  When his son was born, we could not have been more proud of how he was handling Fatherhood.  He was a terrific DAD.  Our son's source of income was Satellite sales and installation.  He was a POOR money manager and handled his business poorly as well.  He lived in a very rural area and actually had the market cornered for the area.  He COULD have been sitting in a pretty good financial situation had he handled his business more appropriately.  What we believe happened; he attempted to live off of credit cards.  He refinanced the house (how many times, we do not know) but ultimately was to loose it.  Fortunately, he was able to sell it under market with help and receive a little cash from that sale.  We tried to explain to him THEN that he needed to GET A JOB and move on with his life, as the funds he had would be depleted quickly.  His response was that he was fine and he would still be doing satellite business.  COULD NOT CONVIENCE HIM that he could not sustain himself with that small income.  He has been living in a cabin in Clarkesville GA alongside another cabin where the Landlady lives.  For rent, our son did work for her and he has lived there about 2 1/2 years.  The Landlady raised dogs and currently is in the process of obtaining Alpacas.  Earlier this month around the 9th, the Landlady started a fire and our son went to get fire extinguisher and ran into a limb and was knocked unconscious.  The Fire Department was called; he was hallucinating so he was taken to emergency.  His blood alcohol level was .071 something.  His liver function was elevated as well and the doctor told him if he did NOT quit drinking he would get cirrhosis of the liver.  He returned to his residence and began hallucinating and the Sheriff was summoned.  They took him to a rehab center where they put him through DETOX for 3 days.  He was released BUT the Landlady no longer would allow him to live there.  So he had NO place to live.  He slept in his truck and with in a couple of days, he was picked up for DUI.  That is where we are now.
Since we are 2000 miles away, it has been most difficult to put everything together.  
He has called collect many times, but we have refused his call.  I did take it yesterday to tell him that I would be writing him this week.  He said he could NOT stay there that it is too dangerous for him.... naturally; I know that is just a ploy for emotional blackmail.  Anyway, I can send him a cashier’s check and he can purchase a phone card and snacks and underwear from their store ONCE A WEEK.  
I just want to construct a meaningful letter along with this cashiers check, stamps, paper and envelopes.
CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME?  

Answer
Greetings to you, Rileen.

It is going to take a few days for me to begin trying to help you compose a letter, and I have a few questions I would like to ask along the way ... but yes, I will definitely try to help.  In the meantime, you might begin reading a little in "Alcoholics Anonymous", the book: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
The chapter "Working With Others" might be a good place to start, as some of my questions for you will come from there.  The first thing that is important is to try to discern whether your son has any kind of actual *desire* to stop drinking ...
I plan to get back to you in two days, and if you might like to talk on the phone, just send me an e-mail and I will send my number to you.

Joseph Lee O.

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PS: Here is my e-mail address: leejosepho@hotmail.com
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> UPDATE <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Greetings again, Rileen.

You have written:

>> I know NOTHING about AA other than it exists and has helped many people.

One thing I believe you need to know is that today’s AA falls far short of the original.  I will give you details as we go along, and be sure to keep that in mind during the days ahead.  Overall, “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, needs to be your “clearing house” for right information in order for you to try to help your son truly have a legitimate shot at permanent recovery.

I have some questions to ask and some initial insights to offer ...

I was born in 1950, and my father started a successful business when I was about six.  By the time I was about nine and until I had moved out on my own at 18, my life was like being on Easy Street.

Question: Did your son move out into the world unprepared and while believing “success” would be virtually automatic or even somehow guaranteed?  Please know I am not trying to put you or his father on the spot here.  Rather, I am simply looking for any similarities between your son’s past and my own.

You have written:

>> He refuses to go and get a REAL job and currently is in denial of his situation.

Question: What do you believe might be the problem(s) there?

>> I have shed many tears and right when I think I have no more...they appear.

I have heard you, and I will do everything I possibly can to try to help.

>> Can you help me compile a constructive letter to him that possibly will encourage him to get help once he is released from jail?

Yes, I will certainly try, and I will also try to correspond with him directly even now if you are willing to trust me with his name, inmate number and address.

>> He used to be a loving sweet man.

Can you pinpoint and specific time or incident when that began to change?

>> When he was growing up, he was a terrific student...a goal setter and an achiever.  He received a scholarship to Wentworth Military Academy and was the youngest commissioned officer EVER at that time (19yrs old).  He went on to be a part of the reserves and studied to become a pilot at flight school...HOWEVER, he washed out.  We believe that it was due to drinking, but don't have hard evidence of that.

I have a nephew with a very similar past and much trouble later on.  Some of us with the brightest of minds end up failing at least partly because so many things come so easily.  And once we discover alcohol ...

>> From that point on, we believe that is where his life began its downward turn.

From “Bill’s Story” in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 2:

“My work took me about Wall Street and little by little I became interested in the market.  Many people lost money - but some became very rich.  Why not I?  I studied economics and business as well as law.  Potential alcoholic that I was, I nearly failed my law course.  At one of the finals I was too drunk to think or write.  Though my drinking was not yet continuous, it disturbed my wife.  We had long talks when I would still her forebodings by telling her that men of genius conceived their best projects when drunk; that the most majestic constructions of philosophic thought were so derived.
By the time I had completed the course, I knew the law was not for me.  The inviting maelstrom of Wall Street had me in its grip.  Business and financial leaders [just before the big crash in 1929] were my heroes.  Out of this alloy of drink and speculation, I commenced to forge the weapon that one day would turn in its flight like a boomerang and all but cut me to ribbons.”

Take note of that “alloy of drink and speculation ... all but cut me to ribbons.”  There is a certain felling of invincibility that comes when certain gifted men experience the exhilarating effect of alcohol.

>> Because he had NO skill set to deal with failure, HE DID NOT ACCEPT IT NOR DEAL [with] it.

My guess is that we all might have previously felt like he would never have had to deal with failure anyway.  I was quite shocked when my own life fell apart at 27, and my brother was shocked when he learned the fire that had burned his son’s (my nephew’s) house had started in the basement “ecstasy (drug) kitchen”.

>> His goal was to have a home and a good job prior to marrying....but he married a gal 8 years his senior and they were married about 7 years.

He likely believed he was mature beyond his own years.

>> When his son was born, we could not have been more proud of how he was handling Fatherhood.  He was a terrific DAD.

He felt “complete” and “validated”, and he put a lot of effort into trying to maintain that kind of social status.

>> Our son's source of income was Satellite sales and installation ... in a very rural area and actually had the market cornered for the area ...
>> We tried to explain to him THEN that he needed to GET A JOB and move on ...
>> His response was that he was fine and he would still be doing satellite business.

He likely knew the potential was there, and he was sure he could do well enough ... but by this time in his life, he had alcohol feeding his ego-delusion, that “alloy”, even while numbing his senses, feelings and possibly-growing fears.

>> Earlier this month around the 9th ... the doctor told him if he did NOT quit drinking he would get cirrhosis of the liver.

Question: Do you have any idea whether he actually heard that and is concerned?

>> Since we are 2000 miles away, it has been most difficult to put everything together.

I understand.

As you consider what to do and how to do whatever you do, here is a first caution you should keep in mind:

“Frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices.  The message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight.” (“Doctor’s Opinion)
“But the ex-problem drinker who has found this solution, who is properly armed with facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours.  Until such an understanding is reached, little or nothing can be accomplished.
“That the man who is making the approach has had the same difficulty, that he obviously knows what he is talking about, that his whole deportment shouts at the new prospect that he is a man with a real answer, that he has no attitude of Holier Than Thou, nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be helpful; that there are no fees to pay, no axes to grind, no people to please, no lectures to be endured - these are the conditions we have found most effective.  After such an approach many take up their beds and walk again.” (pages 18-19)

Hoping to hear from you again soon,

Joseph Lee O.