Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 3/25/2008

Question
Hello, I am writing to explain my situation to you, hopefully you can help me. I was in a 4 year relationship with an alcoholic. Last March he went to treatment, and 2 weeks into recovery he broke off the relationship with me. I now understand that I was his "enabler" and that he no longer wanted to be with me, but wanted to just be "friends." We tried that for a few months, it did not work. For the last 8 months he had NO communication with me and would not call me, or answer any of my calls. Just last week he called me and we had dinner. Before we met, he made it clear to me over the phone that we will never be back together. We met, had dinner and I told him how I felt and he basically blamed a lot of the problems of the relationship on me. He also told me that he does not practice the 12 steps and he is no longer living in a recovery home. In fact, he does not want me to know what car he drives, where he works or where he lives. I respect that, but he also mentioned that this month (March) is his anniversary date of being sober for one year. He said that he is going to drink again and that he has learned that he will never put his drinking in front of what is important. My question to you is this, could it be that he is getting ready to relaps and that is why he is now calling me? Why is he keeping his life such a secret from me? Let me tell you this, for our entire relationship he had no DL, no car, no job and did not pay bills. He treated me very badly while we were together. I love this man with all my heart. I feel as if he turned his back on me. I just feel confused, I'm not sure if his intention is to keep me around "just in case". Please help me. I am open for opinions and answers. I don't know if I should just let it be and continue to try to move on. Thanks so much Lena

Answer
Greetings to you, Lena.

I must admit I have never before heard a story quite like yours, and I have met and talked with hundreds of people in thousands of A.A. meetings over the past quarter-century!  Nevertheless, I do believe I can help you make some sense of things, and yes, I would suggest you “just let it be and continue to try to move on.”

You have written:

>> Last March he went to treatment, and 2 weeks into recovery he broke off the relationship with me.

He had probably been told he should “change all playmates and playgrounds.”  Sometimes that kind of thing is certainly necessary, but it never truly solves the alcoholic’s problem:

“In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure.  If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever.  We have tried these methods.  These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 101)

>> I now understand that I was his "enabler" ...

Oh, maybe to a point, but you were certainly not responsible for his drinking.  To be a true “enabler”, you would have had to be intentionally trying to helping him avoid the consequences for his own actions or inactions.

>> ... and that he no longer wanted to be with me, but wanted to just be "friends."

Again, that was probably an outcome of some ridiculous “blame shifting” being propagated upon him in the so-called “treatment facility”.  The folks at that place were likely “programming” him with the idea he could self-manage his life quite well if he did it differently ... but here is the hard fact of the matter:

“Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?” (page 61)

>> We tried that for a few months, it did not work.

Quite naturally, you were hoping for more than “friends” ... and all the while, he was trying to play that futile game in order to avoid having to make amends.

>> For the last 8 months he had NO communication with me and would not call me, or answer any of my calls.

My guess is that he believed his self-centered effort to be “friends” was not doing anything for him.

>> Just last week he called me and we had dinner. Before we met, he made it clear to me over the phone that we will never be back together.

In his overall scheme or plan for his future, he was seeking some “closure” for part of his past before moving along.

>> We met, had dinner and I told him how I felt and he basically blamed a lot of the problems of the relationship on me.

Quite sadly, he might really believe that.

>> He also told me that he does not practice the 12 steps and he is no longer living in a recovery home.

He is back to believing he has the world by the tail on a downhill pull.

>> In fact, he does not want me to know what car he drives, where he works or where he lives.

Again, “Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?” (page 61)  Not letting you or possibly even anyone else know much of anything is his way of holding all of his cards tight to his chest to try to protect them in his personal world of fantasy.

>> He said that he is going to drink again and that he has learned that he will never put his drinking in front of what is important.

If he truly is an alcoholic, he will find that to be absolutely impossible.  Once he begins drinking again, the physical element of alcoholism will quickly take him right back to where he was:

“[Alcoholic men] and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.  The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false.  To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one.  They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks - drinks which they see others taking with impunity.  After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again.  This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.” (from “The Doctor’s Opinion” in “Alcoholics Anonymous” the book)

>> My question to you is this, could it be that he is getting ready to relapse and that is why he is now calling me?

He likely believes a year of sobriety has somehow made it possible for him to drink safely, or that it has proved he is now in control (or at least that he will be) just as soon as he completes his “closure” on his past and moves on.

>> Why is he keeping his life such a secret from me?

Maybe he believes you, specifically, might somehow ruin his future, but my guess is that neither is he telling much to anyone he has/had known during the troubled days of his past.

>> Let me tell you this, for our entire relationship he had no DL, no car, no job and did not pay bills. He treated me very badly while we were together.

Sure, and now he is out to prove, at least to himself, that he has changed.

>> I love this man with all my heart. I feel as if he turned his back on me.

I understand, and yes, that is exactly what he has done.  But again, that is only because some psycho-babbler had at least planted the idea that to do so (while trying to wear a "friends" mask) would be best for him.

>> I just feel confused, I'm not sure if his intention is to keep me around "just in case".

I doubt that, but I could be wrong.  He is certainly going to fail in whatever plan he has running, but he does not likely have any backup plan at the moment.

I have no hope to offer you concerning him, but I am not telling you not to hope for him.  If you are interested, I will help you understand alcoholism and what you might say to him if you ever do again see him after the next time his world collapses and crumbles all around him.

My best to you,

Joseph Lee O.
leejosepho@hotmail.com