Expert: Clyde - 3/24/2008

Question
Hello,
I am writing to explain my situation to you, hopefully you can help me. I was in a 4 year relationship with an alcoholic. Last March he went to treatment, and 2 weeks into recovery he broke off the relationship with me. I now understand that I was his "enabler" and that he no longer wanted to be with me, but wanted to just be "friends." We tried that for a few months, it did not work. For the last 8 months he had NO communication with me and would not call me, or answer any of my calls. Just last week he called me and we had dinner. Before we met, he made it clear to me over the phone that we will never be back together. We met, had dinner and I told him how I felt and he basically blamed a lot of the problems of the relationship on me. He also told me that he does not practive the 12 steps and he is no longer living in a recovery home. In fact, he does not want me to know what car he drives, where he works or where he lives. I respect that, but he also mentioned that this month (March) is his anniversary date of being sober for one year. He said that he is going to drink again and that he has learned that he will never put his drinking in front of what is important. My question to you is this, could it be that he is getting ready to relaps and that is why he is now calling me? Why is he keeping his life such a secret from me? Let me tell you this, for our entire relationship he had no DL, no car, no job and did not pay bills. He treated me very badly while we were together. I love this man with all my heart. I feel as if he turned his back on me. I just feel confused, I'm not sure if his intention is to keep me around "just in case". Please help me. I am open for opinions and answers. I don't know if I should just let it be and continue to try to move on.

Thanks so much
Lena


Answer
Lena,
   Thank you for your question.  I can feel your pain in loving this man but knowing that the love is not reciprocated.  That is just a nasty place to be.  

     I can say that you are quite fortunate in that he is sharing with you some truth about his alcoholism and drinking.  He knows he has a problem - treatment, abstinence, etc. But he refuses to do anything substantive about it - refusal to work the 12 steps, thinking that he can drink successfully again if he watches out for the priorities in life.   Well, thank goodness he is honest with you.

     See, when an alcoholic is not being honest, the relationships he attempts to make or keep are in for some very rough times.  You've already experienced that from former days.  You do not need a drunk back in your life.  Be thankful for that.

     Although you love this man very much, that will have to be a memory and the grief work will need to be done to put the possibility of the relationship in the past - it just won't work without change on his part.  He says he is not willing to change by his refusal to work the steps and contemplating the drink in the future.

      Here is my guess on what he is doing: He called to try to appease his guilt for what he has done to you in the past.  He knows he does not want to face the prospects of hurting you again ( a very good thing!) because he is afraid to look within himself to understand why he drinks and why he hurts those he loves.  Basically he can not look at his inventory of bad behaviors and make amends to those people.  It is to risky for him right now.

      It is a good thing that he does not want you to know anything about him or his whereabouts.  Be very cautious if he does contact you in the future.  You are best to leave him alone.  As a measure of health for any future contact which might prove amiable - two (2)good solid years of sobriety, working with a sponsor, attending an AA meeting once a day, and having worked the 12 steps thoroughly (especially steps 4 and 5).

      Hope this helps.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde