Expert: Clyde - 3/25/2008

Question
I grew up in a family without alcohol, and did not have my first drink till I met my husband. We've been married for three months. Because we did not live together first, he kept his drinking well hidden. Now, I see he drinks each night, one bottle of wine usually. He has his own business, so each time we argue, he takes the next day off to "relax" and drink of course, without much consequence to finances or bosses. When I tell him I love him, he "no you don't." I fear for his safety when he drinks, I am afraid to leave him alone, yet I don't want to be around him when he drinks. I feel like I am losing my friends, because he dose not like to be without me for even a second. I keep my job just to have a reason to leave the house each day. I worry about spending time with friends because I know he will stay home and drink because he is upset that "his wife has abandoned him".... what should I do? I feel my need for independence and a "break" from him is making it worse. I don't want to criticize a thing he dose because he gets so depressed that I've stopped loving him. He virtually doesn't have consequences to drinking, he has said that if its me or stop drinking, that I should pack up because he doesn't have to change. Dose he mean that?  Is that a common empty threat for an alcoholic?

Answer
Julie,
     Thank you for your questions and for sharing some of the details of your situation.   The heart of your dilemma is in the last line - that you "should pack up because he doesn't have to change."   This is always a signal that someone has found alcohol doing something for them they can not do for themselves.  That "something" is living life on life's terms.  Alcohol inebriates, anesthetizes, numbs, and removes us from our problems and fears. It allows an escape.

     That, I believe, is the "line" an alcoholic crosses from being a social drinker to a problem drinker and ultimately to being an alcoholic.  It becomes the only safe haven in which to live and make it from one day to the next.  What his statement says is "I am scared and I do not know how to live life anymore without running from it in a bottle."

     Your husband also exhibits fears with life in his need for you to be around constantly.  He controls and manipulates his loved ones to get what he needs from them - security and safety.  If it were simply a love for you in these early days of marriage that said "I can not imagine how I made it without you, I want you around always!!, then anything, ANYTHING that threatened that love would be fought with every ounce of his being.  Alcohol and its detrimental effects as well!

     But, he is in fear and you can do nothing for his fears.  He must do that and he will have to decide when and if he every does this.  You can suggest therapists, treatment, and Alcoholics Anonymous, but only suggest.  You can let him know that you are concerned for him and the drinking that has gotten out of control.  You can simply love him.

      A marriage vow says "for better or worse, in sickness and in health", ....and this is one of those worse moments.  Marriages have been dissolved so indiscriminately these days and it seems that no one really takes seriously what they vowed anymore.  It must be a sign of the times.   I can not tell you what to do but I can suggest that you give it a valiantly effort to support him for a while if he will take a look at his drinking through counseling, AA, treatment, etc.  If not, then you are in for a long hard road of active alcoholism and a life of misery.  It will only get worse.  A marriage vow also includes a promise to "love and honor" one another.  A person who is destroying the relationship through alcohol is not showing their mate any honor and thus the vow is broken.

      Is that sufficient grounds for leaving?  I don't know.  It is a very personal decision that only you can make.

      Hope this helps.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde