Expert: Clyde - 3/3/2008

Question
QUESTION: i have been married to my husband for 3 years, and he has always been a drinker. i know that i knew what i was getting into before i married him, but i loved him and couldn't imagine being without him,especially after the birth of our son. last year, my husbands drinking got so bad that he crashed the car and came home trying to take away our child and threatened to kill my mother. it was a night i will never forget and it still haunts me. that night, my mother and i left the house and went back east to her family. my husband got a good DUI lawyer, went to AA for 2 months, swore he would never drink again and several weeks after that i returned home. he stopped going to AA because he thought he wouldn't have time for it and his case was closed, so he no longer had to do the mandatory meetings. this past year he has gotten drunk twice, and i think that he has a beer or two almost every day. he doesn't drink at home, but i know that it doesn't matter if he is capable of getting it elsewhere. he knows how unhappy i am, and he swears he will never get drunk again and that he can stop after a beer or two. this might have proven to be true so far, but i feel like i am only waiting for the next catastrophe to happen. i have been to several alanon meetings, but i don't drive and cannot go as often as i would like. i feel sometimes that i should just leave, but i know that taking a son from his father will be devastating.i know that if i do leave him, i will have to do it when he is gone because he will never let us just get up and leave. what can i do?

ANSWER: Lisa,
   Thank you for your question and for the details of your situation.  I am glad that you have attended some Alanon meetings and now you know the three C's - alcoholism is something that you didn't Cause, you can't Cure, and you can't Control.  The only thing you can do is seek out help for yourself.

    My suggestion is that you call some of the women in the Alanon group and let it be known that you need a ride to more meetings.  Someone will invariably step up and make this possible for you.  If you have not reached out to a sponsor, do so immediately.  This will be some one with whom you can share the daily grind of life and get some much need support.

    Your husband's decision to drink is his.  You have made known to him that it causes problems in the relationship.  Don't back down on that.  Saving the marriage is a commendable thing and I would hope that it might be possible but the most important thing here is to get help for yourself so that some of these life changing decisions can be made with a clear head.  I agree that a son needs a father but a son needs a mother as well and that son needs the protection of a good, safe, environment in which to grow up.

    As you continue to get help in Alanon perhaps it will be an inspiration to him to get serious about his program as well.  I would hope he will rethink AA and get a sponsor who will work with him to see what he stands to lose if the drinking doesn't stop.

     Hope this helps,

Grace and Peace,
Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thank you for your quick reply, there are however a few details i forgot to mention; my husband is not reasonable enough to have a conversation with me about drinking without making threats and getting verbally abusive. he is so protective about his drinking, he will be verbally violent even when he is sober. so, i cannot just tell him that i will leave him, his reaction might be dangerous. as all alcoholics, he firmly believes that he does not have a problem, its me who has the problem. he believes that it is my emotional instability that prevents me from just accepting the fact that he wants to have a few drinks now and again. he has befriended a new drinking buddy, who is younger than him, and is very protective over that relationship as well. i think that he links his drinking to his manhood; a real man is a man that can drink and not take 'orders' from the wife. i see his drinking getting more and more frequent, he calls me less and less through out the day and does not answer the phone if he is at the clubhouse having his 'couple' of beers. due to his bad temper and verbal abuse i have become extremely anxious. i wish i could confront him, but I'm afraid he will hurt me or take our son away. i have contacted legal aid, they informed me that it will be very difficult for me to leave if he does decide to file for sole custody, because there is no evidence of actual abuse. i am between a rock and a hard place right now, and i am regretting ever coming back, it will be much harder this time around if i decide to go. he is not getting drunk everyday, not even every week, and has not really binged yet, but i think that it is only a matter of time before one or two beers turn into five or six and i don't know if i should stick around waiting for it to happen. please tell me, i have never been around alcoholics before, is this what i have to look forward to?

Answer
Lisa,
    Thank you for the follow-up and more information.  I am sorry that this relationship is one of hostility and defensiveness when it comes to the alcohol question.  You may indeed be correct in the observation that this is an issue of "manliness" for your husband as many men do think that their ability to "hold their liquor" is a mark of prowess.

    It sounds as if you have sought for answers through some channels in the past as regards to the legality of leaving.  I applaud that as many women will not venture even that far because of fearfulness of retaliation.

    If this is a relationship of such hostility and you continue to feel so fearful for your very safety, my suggestion is that the matter of custody of the child becomes secondary.  You have every right to live out your life in security and be free of the oppression.  I cannot offer any advice other than after doing some soul-searching, make some calls to women's shelters if you have nowhere else to go and arrange for space for you and the child.  Get this thing started in earnest and put the success or failure of the relationship on him - where it needs to be.  He will either continue with the macho act and move on to a very bitter and angry divorce or he will reconsider his own faults in the matter and make every attempt to reconcile in a real substantive sense.

     It is not possible to say how he will react.  It is not possible to say he is an alcoholic - only he can say this. It is his decision.  I suspect he does have some sort of problem with drinking given the defensive posture he exhibits.   If he is an alcoholic, it is usually found that he will need to be driven to a point that causes him to realize that his drinking behavior bears serious consequences.  I know it causes much anxiety and fear in you but in the long run, you have the tights to a happy fulfilling life, as I said earlier.

     Hope this helps and I will hold you in my prayers.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde