Expert: Rebos - 3/27/2008

Question
I have been married to my husband for 7 years now and it has been a long 7 years.  He has admitted over and over again that he is an alcoholic but when he gets what he likes to call "control" of his drinking then he doesn't have a problem.  He can quite for a few weeks and then he thinks that he is ok and then he can start having a couple here and there.  ONce he starts, he keeps going and it gets worse.  Tonight he went out and got pissed amd then drove home and I talked to him saying that I was done and didn't want to go on with our marriage.  We have two children and they cried for him all night (I didn't say anything bad about him).  Is this fair to me anymore?  Do my children deserve this?  I have asked him to get help and told him that I wouldn't stick around but I have continued to take care of him.  I am sick of acting like a &*&(&(* happy wife when deep down inside I don't even think I love him.  If he doesn't believe that he needs help, and that he can do it himself, is there any hope that it will get better?

Answer

Good afternoon Pam and thank you for your question. There is an old saying when it comes to alcoholics, “Once you have to think about controlling your drinking then you have already lost control”! It is extremely important for you to protect your children from the effects that they will carry on with them for the rest of their lives... having a drunk for a father.

Your husband may have admitted that he has a drinking problem, but so what! If he doesn’t get help for being alcoholic then he still has reservations as to wanting to get well. He hasn’t yet hit his bottom.
Unfortunately a bottom may be as low as a person can go… plus six feet! Alcoholics, like all addicts are in denial that they need help. Your husband unfortunately must get to the point of “being sick and tired of being sick and tired” As long as you continue to be an enabler, by accepting his irresponsible behavior, then he will continue down the path that he is headed. It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Any “verbal” or physical abuse by him of you should not be tolerated at all. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. If an enabler has no special knowledge (and use that knowledge effectively) about alcoholism and try to help, the alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler and continue on drinking because he knows that he will be forgiven again and again. I hope that have not turned into such a person. Never threaten your husband unless you are 100% willing to follow through with your threat. If you don’t follow through then you are in a sense “buying him” his next drink.

Whether or not you intend to stay married to this man I strongly suggest that you start to attend Alanon meetings. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic husband in it. At Alanon meetings you will find out what you can do to maybe help your husband, by first learning to help “your self”. Until you are armed with the right information about the disease and its implications, your efforts to help him and yourself will be for nothing. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to go to Alanon remember that dirty four letter word TIME. Give it time to work.

Of course his children love their father, but if he doesn’t get help for his drinking problem before too long they will end up hating him for what he is doing to the family unit. With the roll model that your children have in a drunken father there is a good possibility that will end up like their father… what other male roll model do they have in their lives?

The following is what the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism suggests when dealing with an alcoholic.

“Getting an alcoholic into treatment can be a challenging situation. An alcoholic cannot be forced to get help except under certain circumstances, such as when a violent incident results in police being called or following a medical emergency. This doesn't mean, however, that you have to wait for a crisis to make an impact. Based on clinical experience, many alcoholism treatment specialists recommend the following steps to help an alcoholic accept treatment:

Stop all rescue missions. Family members and friends often try to protect an alcoholic from the results of their behavior by making excuses to others about their drinking and by getting him out of alcohol-related jams. It is important to stop all such rescue attempts immediately, so that the alcoholic will fully experience the harmful effects of his or her drinking--and thereby become more motivated to stop.

Time your intervention. Plan to talk with the drinker shortly after an alcohol-related problem has occurred--for example, a serious family argument in which drinking played a part or an alcohol-related accident. Also choose a time when he or she is sober, when both of you are in a calm frame of mind, and when you can speak privately.

Be specific. Tell the family member that you are concerned about his or her drinking and want to be supportive in getting help. Back up your concern with examples of the ways in which his or her drinking has caused problems for both of you, including the most recent incident.

State the consequences. Tell the family member that until he or she gets help, you will carry out consequences--not to punish the drinker, but to protect yourself from the harmful effects of the drinking. These may range from refusing to go with the person to any alcohol-related social activities to moving out of the house. Do not make any threats you are not prepared to carry out.

Be ready to help. Gather information in advance about local treatment options. If the person is willing to seek help, call immediately for an appointment with a treatment program counselor. Offer to go with the family member on the first visit to a treatment program and/or AA meeting.

Call on a friend. If the family member still refuses to get help, ask a friend to talk with him or her, using the steps described above. A friend who is a recovering alcoholic may be particularly persuasive, but any caring, nonjudgmental friend may be able to make a difference. The intervention of more than one person, more than one time, is often necessary to persuade an alcoholic person to seek help.

Find strength in numbers. With the help of a professional therapist, some families join with other relatives and friends to confront an alcoholic as a group. While this approach may be effective, it should only be attempted under the guidance of a therapist who is experienced in this kind of group intervention.

Get support. Whether or not the alcoholic family member seeks help, you may benefit from the encouragement and support of other people in your situation. Support groups offered in most communities include Alanon, which holds regular meetings for spouses and other significant adults in an alcoholic's life, and Alateen, for children of alcoholics. These groups help family members understand that they are not responsible for an alcoholic's drinking and that they need to take steps to take care of themselves, regardless of whether the alcoholic family member chooses to get help” …. (End of suggestions)

To reiterate what I wrote above; whether or not you intend to stay married to this man you should be going to Alanon! Alanon is where YOU will get better. What you need is to listen to others who are or have been in a similar situation that you are now in and have found an answer to their problem. I guarantee that if you attend Alanon regularly, and work on your self…YOU will get better. That’s not to say that your husband will get better because you go to Alanon, but you will learn how to detach from the illness with love and learn to hate the disease and not its victim. You will also stop making idle threats to your husband that you never expect to follow through with.

I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking using their willpower for the long haul. Your husband should never be rewarded for any of his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible for them. Something must be done to stop his spiral downward. It is very common for an alcoholic to lie about their drinking. They will usually lie at the drop of a hat to protect their right to drink. That is what alcoholics do. Of course your husband will not want to go to a Detox or a program like Alcoholics Anonymous because addiction to alcohol is a disease of denial. It tells him that he is okay when his life is really falling apart. Alcoholics are famous for blaming people, places and things for their drinking. It is generally believed (in AA which has the best track record for recovery) that alcoholism is a three-fold disease… mental, physical, and spiritual. The “mental part”; deals with the thought that precedes the first drink... a preoccupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. The “physical part” is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over and the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside force or incident stops them. And last but not least, the “spiritual part” of the illness. Not spiritual in a religious way, but in the loss of values and a willingness to settle for less and less as his drinking continues. Stopping drinking, for an alcoholic, is not a matter of willpower. Drinking alcoholically is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for your husband to recover. Without your husband learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before he must drink again. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing to beer or wine, or even switching to the near beer with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or mind-altering substances (drugs). The exception is a doctor’s prescription as long as he or she knows that the patient is an addict!

Once again, I can’t advise you as what should do, but I will say this… If your husband is allowed to continue drinking, doesn’t turn him self in to a detox clinic, and then continue to faithfully go to AA EVERY DAY after his detoxification is over, he is setting you and your children up to living a miserable, unhappy and abusive life. Emotional pain is a very lonely experience. Do something good for yourself and go to Alanon. If I can be of further help please send me a follow-up question. Thank you Rebos