Expert: Rebos - 3/20/2008

Question
i have been with my girlfriend for around 7 months now when i met her she was only 3 months into kicking her addiction. we have had an amazing relationship and there were no problems until i had to move across the country for work. she planned on coming with me from the start but things have changed recently now that she is coming up on 1 year of being sober. she tells me that she doesn't know if she can leave here "comfort zone". also with my job i do have to travel and she is afraid of all this and she says its all because of her alcoholism. i am more than willing to help her in any way possible and she knows this. at this point she is very off and on wanting to talk and telling me how much she cares and then the next she doesn't want to talk to me for how ever long. what can i do?

Answer
Good morning Patrick and thank you for your question.

I assume that your girlfriend is in Alcoholics Anonymous… right now she is in the midst of doing one of the hardest things that she will ever have to do in her lifetime! If you don’t let up on the pressure, right now, you are in danger of losing her completely. She has a lot of work to do on herself. AA tells her that she should not make any major decisions for at least one year! And on top of it all she should not have even gotten involved in any relationship for that period of time after she put down her last drink! AA has a good reason for that approach because a newcomer to sobriety is in a very fragile emotional way, and has enough on her plate with just staying sober. It's a full time job. If you really care for her… you should have a talk with her and tell her that; whenever or if ever she gets to a point of being comfortable enough with her sobriety that you and she can talk again in the future. In the meantime you should assure her that you will not pressure her again. You see Patrick at this juncture of your life you must realize that this is all about your girlfriend and has nothing to do with you! She is the one who must recover for you to have a meaningful life. If you want to take the chance of having a normal relationship with this woman, or a lifetime of unhappiness and misery then you will step aside and let her get well!

I know that this is not the answer that you hoped for, but if you know anything about recovery from alcoholism you know it’s the right thing to do… so back off and wish her the very best. Thank you Rebos