Expert: Druideck - 3/17/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi, Iam at a lost and don't know what to do. My partner and I have a great relationship..we been together since December 07...however, he has a serious drinking problem, which I only realized several weeks ago. You see we live in different cites but do see each other often. Since we been together he as told me to go and fine someone else for he got to many issues to deal with (drinking) and he feels I deserves better..it is only when he is sober he realizes it was wrong to say that, and not to be pushing me away..Iam really concern for him, he often drinks alone and at this cabin..and then he starts to think about his past..and gets upset by crying...he wont let it go...and sometimes he brings it into our relationship..he is very bored easy..and feels he needs to have a drink to help him cope..I have not spoken with him since Thursday past....and I am worried about him...I left him messages on Friday, Saturday and Sunday on his cell phone..but he is not returning my calls....what can i do? should I move on? should I await for him to call...he is suppose to be flying here for the Easter holidays.....but I am at a lost now...please help me.....I like to help him...

ANSWER: Pauline,

I know it is human nature to help someone
that seems to need help. It is also
wise to know when to let go.
You said he tries to push you away
and then wants you back when he is sober.
This behaviour will likely continue
unless he decides to get some counselling
or help for his drinking problem.

People rarely make any big changes
and this man will likely treat you
the same as long as you are willing
to play the game.

Alcoholics often feel sorry for themselves
and like to hang on to the past.
When someone does not return your calls
it probably means they don't
want you to contact them.
They may be trying to get you to feel
sorry for them and keep coming
back for more games.
In a healthy relationship you don't
mistake pity for love.
This guy needs to decide for himself
if he is going to seek help.
This is not something you can fix
for him. If you try you will be
be disappointed and bitter in the end.

No one can control alcoholism.
It can't be fixed with love
or pity. I suggest you get
Robin Norwood's book,
"Women who love too much"
It will open your eyes to men
that are unable to return the love
you give so unselfishly.

You can give this man some information
on where to get help but if he is not
ready to change you will not
get much from this relationship.
He will continue to keep you off balance
with his "go away, come back" routine.

He is right about one thing, you
should demand better treatment from
people and assert your self-worth.


























---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: shall I move on? I dont want to, but it appears he does not want contact with me.....he has done this to me in the past..it would days like this before he will make contact..

Answer
Pauline,

it may not be so easy to move on.
Often getting involved with a man
like this can be addictive in itself.

The excitement of waiting and calling
and the unpredictable nature of this
relationship can keep you hooked.
If he was a nice guy that always
called back would you stay interested?

You may say yes but I believe it
may be the desire to help him to
be what he could be and the struggle
to win over this troubled man that
attracts you.

If you want to keep doing the "go away,
come back" thing with him that is up
to you. It will likely continue because
this is who he is. You can't change guys
into the man you want. If you want
a different kind of man you will have to
move on be open to more likely boring guys
that call back reliably.

This attraction is something you have
to address in yourself.
Write down what kind of guy you really
think you want and then compare that to
what you are getting from this guy.
Does it match? Were you honest in your list?
Do you like the challenge of trying
to change this man?

Seeking men with problems can be a pattern
for some women. If you are not ready to
let go then stay until you feel ready
to decide.
You don't have to leave in order to
start looking at what's happening.
Just be aware that he is not calling
for a reason. He may be playing games
or very afraid of closeness and
commitments. Can you live with that?