Expert: Druideck - 3/2/2008

Question
I feel totally ashamed of myself for marrying a person with a drink problem,he walked out on me 2 years ago and I cant seem to break free from him,I am now wise to some of his games like trying to switch the blame to me but what about my children,one minute hes all over them the next totally blanking them theyre aged 16 9 and 4 all boys.No matter how much I talk to about showing them love he doesnt seem to care.I was even letting him back in the house to encourage him to see them but that didnt work either.I am such a weak person no one ever drank in my family and this has devastated me,my life is crap.my husband and family were my everything and he betrayed us.I have to face my sons every day and make excuses for my husband so they dont feel unloved,but they know theyre friends dads arent like that,please help my children in this nightmare I have ruined their lives

Answer
Carol,

An alcoholic is a person addicted to alcohol.
The addiction is an illness that affects
the persons mental, emotional, physical
and spiritual being.

The alcoholics behaviours come as a result of this
alcoholism. No one needs to be blamed for this
problem. It just happens to people.

It is unfortunate that because of the effects
of drinking, husbands and fathers become
unable to express feelings honestly.
Sometimes they lose the ability to feel
much love for anyone especially themself.

Explain to your children that drinking
becomes an addiction that cannot be controlled
without help.

Their father is ill with this alcohol addiction
and is unable to be the man you wish he would be.

His drinking and his behaviours are common to
most alcoholics.
Your husband has a serious problem which he needs
to get help for on his own. No one can cure him
and no one caused it.

Shame will not change anything. It is just a feeling.
We all have regrets and none of us lives a perfect life.
We wish we could always make the right choices but
often get sidetracked. Today is a new day to start again.
Shame just makes it harder to get on with making
a better life for ourselves and our children.

You can let him go and start being gentle with
yourself. You have to stop hurting yourself with
shame and start being there for yourself. That
is the best gift you can give your kids.