Expert: Clyde - 4/9/2008

Question
QUESTION: I would like to have help with my 19 year old son.  He has his own place, he has a great job, and he has a drinking problem.  He has gotten one SIS and is on probation until December of 2008.  Then in February of 2008 he got a DWI. He hasn't went to court yet, but he will lose his license for one year and has to go to classes.
I have talked to him repeatedly about his drinking.  He says he likes to drink, he likes everything about drinking.  I say" even the DWI's  and all the money that you have spent on lawyers and fines and such.  That is one major problem, the other is I have family members that have drinking problems also, a nephew that has 4 DWI's. A brother that drinks daily, and a couple of other nephews that like to party with my son. I want them to recognize my son has a drinking problem and not think it's funny and go up to his house and drink with him. How can I fix this, or can I since they have problems too?  I know mysery loves company, but I can't see why they would want him to go down the same road as them.  Can you help me?
I guess for a while I was enabling him a little in my own way.  I have never paid his way for anything since he could work.  I saved his child support money and that is how he bought his first vehicle and his own mobile home.  I have never paid for his insurance, his cell phone, or anything.  I have always taken care of paying his bills, and saving money for him when he gave me his checks. I wanted him to have a secure future and a great start in life.  I did co-sign a loan for him a 4-wheeler and then I loaned him money to get a new truck.  When his drinking got more steady and he was missing alot of work, I wanted my money back, so we went to the bank and he got his own loan and paid me off.  Ever since then, I have not taken care of any of his finances for him and I know he is starting to get into a bind with his credit card and payments because he spends too much on alcohol and partying.
He used to be very close to his family, a very affectionate, kind, and loving, good-hearted kid. But now he hardly comes around or calls anymore, except for the family members he parties with and his partying friends.  I don't know how to get through to him.  I need some help.  I have been loosing my mind with worry and concern.  Everything that was important to him just doesn't matter anymore.  His whole personality has changed.  I just want to know, how do I get my son back?


ANSWER: Terry,
     Thank you for your story and the question: how do I get my son back?

     You are absolutely correct in that you see that his personality has changed and that he is not the affectionate, kind, and loving person he once used to be.  Alcohol takes us into a "false self" that masks the real person and it gradually takes over the mental capability of the person.  We say in Alcoholics Anonymous that it is an obsession of the mind and an allergy of the body.  

     The obsession of the mind is the part you are most concerned with in your question.  Drinking does something for the alcoholic that nothing else can seem to do.  Most alcoholics can remember the details of their first drink and the effect it had on them.  If inhibited or shy, they become extroverted and confident, they can dance with the girls or the guys.  If particularly moody, it picks them up and gives them a "buzz" they really like because it takes them out of their problems for a while.  Unfortunately, the effect that one seeks to obtain becomes elusive and that "just right" buzz is hard to find so we indulge a little bit more and then some more and then some more.....

      My ex-wife used to tell me that drinking was not recreational but my comment was "To hell it is!  That's the only thing I enjoy!"  What a sad commentary - that drinking becomes a way of life and the only way of life at the end.

      Right now your son is experiencing these effects and until he decides that he may have a problem, you really can't do anything.  If he will listen, you might suggest that he attend an AA meeting just to get an idea of what alcoholism is all about.  He need not admit to being one, but being around alcoholics who know they are alcoholics may provide some sobering stories for him.  He would hear where the alcoholism could take him.

      It is a disease.  It is not a moral issue.  He can not stop drinking on his own if he is an alcoholic.  This brings up the second part of the equation - the allergy of the body.  It sounds as if there are quite a few persons in the family who like drinking a little too much.  Perhaps this is an alcoholic gene in the family but every individual has to decide for themselves if they have a problem with drinking.

     The alcoholic does not metabolize alcohol in the same way a non-alcoholic does.  I won't go into the theories because that is not important here but suffice it to say there is a definite physical difference in non-alcoholics and alcoholics.  He is probably an alcoholic as he seems to need and want alcohol as a part of his life.  He seems to crave the drink which is indicative of the disease - one drink is too many and 100 is not enough.  We can not imagine living without alcohol.

     Your best course of action is to remain out of his affairs.  Do not bail him out of situations as he needs to suffer the consequences of his actions.  It may be tough to watch him sink into all sorts of problems but he must hit a "bottom" as we call it in order to have his eyes opened up to the truth - alcohol is at the root of all his problems as long as he chooses to drink.  Hold him in your prayers that he comes to his senses and looks into the true nature of alcoholism.

      I hope this helps and write again if you have further questions.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: When my son's girlfriend broke up with him is when he went down hill quickly.  He drank before mostly on weekends.  He would be very aggressive towards her, and get into fights with people, and also mess around with other girls.  So they broke up because of drinking.  I had talked to him one day about it and he was crying and admitted he had a problem.  He said if his family all thought he had a problem he would get help.  Well we asked them, kind of like an intervention, he agreed to go to counseling for drinking and his anger issues.  The next day he said he had it under control, and did not drink for 3 weeks.  After that he became upset when he found out his ex was dating someone.  He started back up and has been doing pretty bad for several months.  He is somewhat back with his girlfriend, and I was hoping he would get better, but he is still drinking quite a bit but has slowed down some.  I just wanted to know if he has already admitted the problem, if I should keep going back to that time.  When I do keep talking to him about drinking, he keeps distancing himself from me.  He only lives like 4 blocks from me.  Should I keep trying and take the risk of totally loosing him?  I feel like if I don't say anything to him and just act like nothing is wrong, that I am being a bad mother to him.  Some research on the internet says not to ignore the problem, to keep trying to get through to them.  Other sites say they cannot be helped until they hit bottom and are ready.  What is your opinion since you have been down this road?

Answer
Terry,
     Thank you for the follow-up to your son's drinking problem.  It is quite helpful when there is remorse and emotion shown by the alcoholic.  Your son has shown this and that is a very good thing!

     Counseling alone will not be sufficient for his surmounting the drinking problem.  He will need to also find himself around people who understand what he is thinking and feeling since he has already used alcohol abusively.  From your information it is unclear whether he actually did go to counseling.

     I do not want to discount counseling as it is a very good step in solving this problem.  He will need to find someone whom he will trust and with whom he will be rigorously honest.  That kind of counseling will produce some results because the counselor can work with someone who is not lieing to them about what is really going on.

     It is understandable and almost always true that the alcoholic who wants to get help will be fearful about life without alcohol and they will try the "self will" method but you can see what happens - some sobriety and then back to the bottle.  I suspect your son is there in that place of fear and confusion.  Truth is, he is fearing grieving something he loves more than you and his girlfriend - alcohol!

     Let him know you have talked to an alcoholic who is willing to share with you the truth about their alcoholic life and the life he now lives sober.  That is a result of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.  If he would agree to attend just one meeting he would find people who would also be willing to share with him how alcohol was destroying their lives and what they did to quit.  This is the one thing I think you could say to him.  It would show your concern and let him decide whether he really wants help.

     If he doesn't, then we are back to the fact that he has to reach a bottom before he will be convinced.

     Write again if you have more questions.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde