AboutJoseph Lee O. Expertise Greetings to you! Having permanently recovered from chronic alcoholism by “taking The Steps” the original A.A. way, I now understand what makes people “tick”. I can explain the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic’s inherent condition, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required in order to truly recover.
Beginning in 1981, I have spent a great amount of time studying “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, as if my very own life depended upon doing so, and it did, and I have spent nearly an equal amount of time listening and sharing in many thousands of fellowship meetings. I am often able to “read between the lines” and help others to see things not always immediately obvious, and I can usually draw from my own experience while tying everything back to the beginning of personal recovery: One-to-one sharing at Step One.
Experience The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had “no effective mental defense against the first drink” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 43), and I took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done: it had seemingly “fixed” something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning very much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that might ever come along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the risks of continuing to drink had become too glaring for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive the drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as I had in days past, but something had seemingly “taken over” my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while scared-to-death over the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said or thought or did even only “one day at a time”, I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I quit and stay sober for long at all ... and such is the physical “allergy” (where one drink takes another) coupled with the mental-emotional obsession for the soothing effect of alcohol that eventually kills most chronic alcoholics ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma – my powerlessness – and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I “could not drink even if [I] would” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
Expert: Joseph Lee O. Date: 4/21/2008 Subject: Advice-I'm newly sober
Question QUESTION: I have been involved with a recovered alcoholic for a year and a half. He has been sober for 24 years. My relationship with him has been the most normal, happy, and fulfilling thing that I have ever experienced. During our time together, I have not drank as much as I did in the past. I have thought for a while that my drinking was a problem, but I didn't drink when I was with him and I loved that. It's like I depended on him for me not to drink. Anyway, my old drinking ways were starting to resurface, because I have been depressed for seemingly no reason lately. I've been drinking alone, standing him up to stay out drinking, etc. I would never hurt him knowingly and this has caused me great pain to think that I would choose alcohol over him! After my last drinking episode, he told me that he could not invest anymore time into the relationship if it was going to continue down the path it was going and we should take a break. He said he was tired of worrying if I was going to get arrested or in an accident driving drunk. I completely understand his worry and I feel terrible to have put him in a bad spot. I really started to examine my drinking and went to my first aa meeting. I have been everyday since and I admit that I am indeed an alcoholic. I have talked to him since this and he is very proud of the steps that I am taking and that I will still need time. I am well aware that I need to stay sober for myself, but I feel like he has abandoned me. I don't know if our relationship can be repaired, it seems like it can, but I feel that thinking about "th break" is distracting me from my real purpose and I don't know what to do. I know I should just leave this to a higher power and if it will be, it will. I miss him and I usually cope with that sort of thing with booze and I can't this time! Can a person that has been through aa and has been sober so long, be with a person who is trying it for the first time? I thought that people in aa try to help other people that want it? I know they say not to date the first year of sobriety, but what if you're already in a relationship? I thought the person was supposed to stick around and help? Sorry for the long, drawn out story, I'm just hurt and confused...Thank you.
ANSWER: Greetings to you, Kris.
You have asked:
>> Can a person that has been through aa and has been sober so long, be with a person who is trying it for the first time?
As to having any negative affect on his recovery and sobriety, that should not be a problem.
>> I thought that people in aa try to help other people that want it?
Sure, but physical intimacy can get in the way of recovery. Hence, it is best for your sponsor to be someone of the same sex and not intimately involved.
>> I know they say not to date the first year of sobriety, but what if you're already in a relationship?
Personally, I usually try to help people right where they are ... and in your case, that would be “single” at the moment. Had we talked prior to the end of your relationship, I likely would have suggested you remain right there for now. In other words, being in a relationship or not is not always an issue, and the other person is not automatically obligated to either leave or stay.
>> I thought the person was supposed to stick around and help?
That would be my advice to the other person in a relationship with an alcoholic, but your recovery would not be dependent upon him doing that:
“Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job – [relationship] or no [relationship] - we simply do not [get over] drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on G-d.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 88)
You have written:
>> My relationship with him has been the most normal, happy, and fulfilling thing that I have ever experienced.
After you recover, he just might end up saying the same thing, eh?!
>> I didn't drink when I was with him and I loved that.
>> It's like I depended on him for me not to drink.
Be grateful for that experience ... and as you take the Steps, you will come to know a similar and permanent version of that same kind of human inter-dependence that is truly healthy and blesses all.
>> I have been depressed for seemingly no reason lately.
I also have occasional bouts with depresson, and The Steps always take care of that.
>> ... this has caused me great pain to think I would choose alcohol over him!
>> ... I feel terrible to have put him in a bad spot.
You did not put him in any bad spot. He put himself there and he should already know that:
“... we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
“So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making ...” (page 62)
>> I really started to examine my drinking and went to my first aa meeting.
>> ... I admit that I am indeed an alcoholic.
If you would like, I would gladly help you come to truly understand what it means to be alcoholic. In today’s AA, you are not likely to hear the entire story.
>> I am well aware that I need to stay sober for myself ...
Not necessarily, and for how long do you believe you can stay sober for anyone anyway? Prior to my actual recovery, the best I could ever do was about a week:
"Many of us felt we had plenty of character. There was a tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found it impossible. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish." (page 34)
>> I feel like he has abandoned me.
I would tend to agree, but there is nothing anyone but him can do about that.
>> I feel that thinking about "the break" is distracting me from my real purpose and I don't know what to do.
I understand: You cannot get the fear or pain of being alone out of your mind. That is completely normal, and the Steps will address all of that and more:
“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development (Steps Four through Nine), we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that G-d is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
“Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.” (pages 83-84)
>> I know I should just leave this [relationship] to a higher power ...
Not to “a” higher power, but to *The* Higher Power ...
>> ... and if it will be, it will.
Yes, something like that.
>> I miss him and I usually cope with that sort of thing with booze and I can't this time!
If you get busy with the Steps, you will not ever have to drink again.
>> Sorry for the long, drawn out story ...
That is never a problem here!
>> I'm just hurt and confused...Thank you.
I understand, and you are most welcomed to write at much as you want at any time.
QUESTION: First of all, I would like to say thanks for your speedy reply! I appreciate your insight into the situation. I've been going to meetings (two a day, sometimes!) and I've taken a long, hard look at myself and my situation. I realize my part in what has happened in my relationship and I would do whatever it takes to repair it. However, I have to do it for myself, because I want healthy relationships in the future, whether that be with him or not. I don't expect him to be my sponsor, I just sort of thought since he has been where I'm at and understands, that it was kind of strange for him to back away. I do need the space to start this process, I suppose. Anyway, you said something about helping me come to truly understand what it means to be alcoholic. what do you mean?
Answer Greetings again, Kris.
You have written:
>> I've taken a long, hard look at myself and my situation.
That is certainly good. In my own time at age 31 (1981), I knew I had failed completely at life and I had no idea what to do. I had been “high functioning” in spite of my daily drunkenness, and I still had a decent job and reasonable health. My dilemma, however, was that alcohol had stopped “working” for me no matter how much I drank ... and all of that together left me in an absolutely hopeless state where the idea of successful living whether drinking or not was totally unimaginable. At that point, I knew it would be just a matter of time before my two, young daughters would see their runaway daddy buried as a drunk, and that is what drove me to have a desire to stop drinking.
>> I realize my part in what has happened in my relationship and I would do whatever it takes to repair it.
Actually taking the Steps helped me see those kinds of things in fine detail, and that is also how I learned to clean up my past and begin living rightly.
>> I have to do it for myself ...
At the very beginning while just getting started, maybe, but that will need to change:
“Most of us sense that real tolerance of other people's shortcomings and viewpoints and a respect for their opinions are attitudes which make us more useful to others. Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, pages 19-20)
Today, there are thousands of people who adamantly insist the Steps constitute some kind of “selfish program”, and that each individual must “do it for himself or herself” in order for it to work. Quite the opposite is true.
>> I want healthy relationships in the future, whether that be with him or not.
Taking the Steps will make that possible.
>> I don't expect him to be my sponsor, I just sort of thought since he has been where I'm at and understands, that it was kind of strange for him to back away.
We agree.
>> I do need the space to start this process, I suppose.
>> Anyway, you said something about helping me come to truly understand what it means to be alcoholic. What do you mean?
With some accompanying explanation, these two things:
1) Physical “allergy” to alcohol causes “phenomenon of craving”
From “The Doctor’s Opinion” in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:
“We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all ...
“[Alcoholic men] and women drink essentially because they like the [initial] effect produced by alcohol ... [and after] they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree ...
“I do not hold with those who believe alcoholism is entirely a problem of mental control. I have had many men who had, for example, worked a period of months on some problem or business deal which was to be settled on a certain date, favorably to them. They took a drink a day or so prior to the date, and then the phenomenon of craving at once became paramount to all other interests so that the important appointment was not met. These men were not drinking to escape; they were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control ...
“All [alcoholics] have one symptom in common: they cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving. This phenomenon, as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people, and sets them apart as a distinct entity. It has never been, by any treatment with which we are familiar, permanently eradicated. The only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence.”
2) If abstinence and “Don’t drink, one day at a time” amounted to the solution for alcoholism, that suggestion would be the next and final line in the book. But, it is not ... and here is why:
“... The experience of any alcoholic will abundantly confirm [the allergy-driven phenomenon of craving and out-of control drinking once he or she gets started].
“These observations would be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body ...
If you ask why he [or she] started on that last bender ... the truth, strange to say, is usually that he has no more idea why he took that first drink than you have ...
“... At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail. This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected.
“The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
“The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people [and drink safely]. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.” (pages 23-24)
“Many of us felt that we had plenty of character. There was a tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found it impossible. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish.” (page 34)
If you might care to do so, spend some time reading “Fred’s story” that begins at around the middle of page 39. If you are a real alcoholic, and please notice a big “IF” here ...
“As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all. I had commenced to drink as carelessly as though the cocktails were ginger ale. I now remembered what my alcoholic friends had told me, how they prophesied that if I had an alcoholic mind, the time and place would come - I would drink again. They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge [and even lots of meetings and phone numbers] would not help in those strange mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a crushing blow.” (pages 41-42)
“Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he [or she] is bodily *and* mentally different from his [or her] fellows ... This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people [including even those who can stay sober by not drinking one day at a time and attending meetings] ... has to be smashed.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 30)
That is what I mean when I talk about what it means to be alcoholic: We are powerless once we start drinking and the allergy kicks in, and we are just as powerless (but in a different way) after we stop and reality again eventually becomes unbearable ... and that is why I asked how long you believe you can stay sober. I tried not drinking one day at a time before I had ever even heard of A.A., and I ultimately ended up becoming a student of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, because I could never last for more than about a week.
