Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 4/3/2008

Question
Well ,how do I start, me and my partner of 12 years been together for a long time. We  both are 29 years old. I love this man to death . And we do go through are ups and downs times. And i see his alcohol problem has decrease and improve . But when time he does drink its horrible . He drink alone and with his dad and friends on occasion. He loves to drink till he's drunk as a dog. And some time he gets in to trouble and I am always there for him. I love him and i was always was taught to back up my love one regardless of the situation. But sometime i do feel like leaving him in the cold and see if he can figure out his ways. But i do see him lost without me. I need him to stop drinking it affect our relationship and family. I have two kids with him. And I always tell him to not act funny when the kids are up. He always try not to but sometime the alcohol takes over him , and he don't think. Cause the alcohol is in him. He has so many things to blame me when he drunk , and sometime gets very very verbally ,emotionally ,physically abusive. He has gotten a DUI and he has slow down after that. I don't what i can do anymore. I love him but its that once in awhile thing it gets me more now. Cause he builds it all up and blows in my face. I hate him so much sometime but i love him when I see him helpless. I need help and some advice so bad please i hope you can understand where I am coming from and understand what i am trying to explain to you.

Answer
Greetings to you, Samantha.  I do hear what you are saying, and I do understand.  You love this man and you are committed to honoring him and being honorable even when things are difficult, but now his sickness is demanding more than you can give and it is even causing harm to you and the children.

You have written:
>> i see his alcohol problem has decrease and improve .
>> But when time he does drink its horrible .

It sounds to me like he is trying to be a responsible partner and father, but he has lost the ability to control his drinking.  This is a physical problem that cannot be cured.  For the alcoholic, just one or two drinks can be enough to set off an actual physical craving for more, and he will “drink till he's drunk as a dog”, as you have shared, even if he really only meant to have just a few.

You have written:
>> And some time he gets in to trouble and I am always there for him.
>> I love him and i was always was taught to back up my love one regardless of the situation.

You were taught well, but you were not taught to make it easy for him to keep drinking himself to death while harming you and the children.  So, it is now time for you to begin letting him experience the consequences of his actions.  There is no way he will ever again be able to drink safely, and right now he needs to experience the full consequences and pain of his drinking if he is ever going to have a desire to stop.

You have written:
>> But sometime i do feel like leaving him in the cold and see if he can figure out his ways.

He will not be able to do that.  He is going to have to be shown a new way to live, and he will become willing to accept help when learning how to truly live becomes more important to him than drinking.

You have written:
>> But i do see him lost without me.

Yes, but now you are going to have to quietly stand back a little bit and let him find out how powerless and hopeless he really is.

You have written:
>> I always tell him to not act funny when the [children] are up. He always try not to but sometime the alcohol takes over him , and he don't think.

Yes.  Once he takes a few drinks, those drinks take over and take him.

You have written:
>> He has so many things to blame me when he drunk , and sometime gets very very verbally ,emotionally ,physically abusive.

You need to let him know you are going to call the police the very next time he causes a disturbance at home and that you will even have him arrested the next time he physically abuses you.  He or his father or friends might think you are wrong to call the police, but your life or the children’s could be in danger if you do not.  And, how else will he ever find out he needs to become very different?

You have written:
>> He has gotten a DUI and he has slow down after that.

Yes, but he will probably soon forget about that and drink even more than before.

You have written:
>> I don't what i can do anymore.
>> I love him but its that once in awhile thing it gets me more now.
>> Cause he builds it all up and blows in my face.
>> I hate him so much sometime but i love him when I see him helpless.

Alcoholism is an illness that can eventually destroy everyone, including you and the children.  Let him know you are now hearing a little about how he has lost control over how much he drinks even if he only drinks once in a while, and tell him you would like to help him find out what he needs to do to keep his drinking from killing all of you.  It is not his fault that he has lost control, but it is his responsibility to find out why that has happened and to do whatever needs to be done.

To explain just a little more:

Alcoholism has two parts.  Physically, one drink demands another.  The reason for that has to do with enzymes, digestion and a certain chemical reaction in the brain whenever he drinks, and there is no way for an alcoholic to ever go back to being a normal drinker who can drink safely.

The other part of alcoholism is the emotional or mental factor, and that is what drives an alcoholic to drink in the first place.  There is no solution for the physical part of alcoholism, but The Twelve Steps, from “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, are about a spiritual way of life that makes it possible for the alcoholic to be okay inside without drinking.  If you wish, you can begin reading about all of that here:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
A good place to begin would be the chapter “To Wives”.

Please know you are always welcomed to write with any questions you might have.

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
Forum: http://xsorbit28.com/users5/restored/ (new)