AboutJan Edward Williams Expertise all questions related to drug or alcohol addiction, except those requiring the expertise of a physician or those relating to mental health problems apart from addiction. See my web site: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com
Experience I have been working as a licensed addictions counselor for 29 years and am in recovery myself for 31 years
Organizations Licensed Clinical Professional Counselors Maryland
Maryland Addictions Professional Certification Board
Education/Credentials MS Counseling
Licensed Clinical Alcohol and Drug Counselor, Maryland
Expert: Jan Edward Williams Date: 4/7/2008 Subject: Dating a recovering alcoholic
Question I began dating a terrific guy last December. We met in an online dating community and hit it off immediately: same sense of humour, many of the same attitudes and opinions... we both work in the media in creative positions. We really "got" each other. All that plus we were enormously sexually attracted to one another and made out like high school kids for hours in his car on the first date. By sheer, almost unbelievable coincidence, I was told by a woman I discovered was a mutual acquaintance after our first date, that he was a recovering (AA) alcoholic. She told me in a very respectful way (not tattling) and I wasn't in the least upset or disappointed... I was actually impressed that he had done such a tough thing and was apparently doing well with it. She was reserved about his chances as a boyfriend, but said that she both liked and admired him and thought he was a kind, decent, very honest person.
I suppose I was expecting he would tell me at some point, but he never did. We would go out to a pub or a restaurant and I would have one glass of wine and he would have mineral water with dinner. He seemed fine in every way - but he still didn't tell me.
After several dates and a lot of talk, our relationship progressed to the point where we finally slept together (all was well) but that was the last time I saw him. I have been utterly bewildered, as this seems so out of character for him - in fact we'd actually had a conversation where he told me he wasn't the sort of person to ever just disappear.
I have not tried to pursue him, thinking that it was a case of "he just wasn't that into me" but speaking with a friend recently (who was involved with an alcoholic for many years) I learned that alcoholics often have enormous trouble with relationships, especially when they become intimate.
I'm well aware that many relationships simply don't work out - and that if the number of men who didn't call women after sleeping them were laid end to end (and so on...) they'd stretch pretty far! - but knowing nothing about alcoholism, I wonder if this true? Besides making me feel better (which I'm not sure is the most important thing!) I want to understand what happened - and if possible, maybe pull this thing back together.
Maybe this is madness even to suggest. He admitted that he had never had a serious long-term relationship (by the age of 35) and to think we might work out just because I think he's terrific and we got on so well is likely not enough. But I'd appreciate some insight if you have any to spare...
Many thanks in advance,
jane
Answer Hello Jane,
I think you have the situation figured out pretty well. You do not specify the length of time this man is in recovery, but it is often the case that individuals in recovery have problems with intimacy, especially it they grew up in a family with a parent who was an alcoholic. It may very well be that this man ran away because in fact he IS attracted to you and is frightened because he no longer has his coping mechanism, alcohol. Of course, I am just doing some informed guesswork here because I have very little information on which to base my conclusions. It may be worthwhile attempting to get together with him, and to see if he is willing to discuss his recovery and his fears of intimacy. However, I suggest you keep your expectations low and protect yourself emotionally. Good luck.
