Expert: Rebos - 4/10/2008

Question
Thank you for taking the time to answer my question. I've read alcoholism on the subject of alcoholism and relationships with alcoholics. I know just how hard, frustrating, and impossible it can be to live with one because I did... I have tried to survive the manipulation, lies, verbal and emotional abuse for almost two years.

About a week ago, I decided I had enough. My boyfriend hadn't hit bottom, and despite all his promises that he would quit, I came home to find him hiding yet another bottle of vodka... I kicked him out of our apartment, and although I'm very sad and depressed, I am proud of myself for choosing a healthy life for myself, rather than submitting to a life of torment with him.

My question is in regards to how I should approach a relationship with him now. He seems to want to stay in touch, and to stay friends. He's making promises that he will get help so that one day we can be together again. My gut (and experience) tells me that there is no truth to this, and I should refuse to have any contact with him until he's had a year sober.

Is this the right path to take? Or is staying in contact with him, without sacrificing my sanity and personal recovery, a possibility?  

Answer
Good morning Elizabeth and thank you for your question.

If you want to wait for him...it has been my experience that you should "completely break" off all contact with your ex-boyfriend for at least one full year of his sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous. No telephone calls, e-mails or any contact what-so-ever! There is no possibility at all that your ex will change! Alcoholism is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that he has. Meanwhile you can attend Alanon meetings.

If you want to live a lifetime of grief and misery you will weaken and give him another chance. If I were you I would get on with my life. Is your self esteem so low that you have to wait around for him to get better? You may have a long wait! I would start dating others (non-drinkers) again.

By the way... there is a good chance that when he is drunk that he will try and contact you either by phone, in person, or by computer. If he does and you allow it to happen more than once, then you should have a restraining order placed against him at your local police department. Make it very clear to him that you do not want him to contact you again or that you will take the action of legally restraining him. Thank you Rebos