AboutDruideck Expertise All questions are important,
I have over 22 years of personal experience with alcoholism and recovery issues.
Advanced Counsellor Training / Experience with treatment and AA.
Experience Over 22 years of recovery from alcoholism.
Counsellor in an alcohol outpatient office.
Experience as client and as counsellor in treatment center.
Education/Credentials Advanced counsellor certificate,
Melbourne ORYGEN Research Centre volunteer consultant
Question QUESTION: Hi, We have spoken before..and now I feel like I need your advice again..My partner is drinking more now then ever, I don't know how he mananages....he has a job as a fire fighter, that part he can maintain.on his days off he drinks really hard....like its going to be his last beer..afraid there will be no more..."CRAVING" "ADDICTION".I have notice in our 3 month relationship...he gives everyone what they want...is this "acceptance"? afraid of losing his buddies (male/female?) every morning he wakes up "urging" he tells me this is stress, do to an bad ongoing ended relationship...but I know its the alcohol..can this be? once again I fine myself a co-dependent, now he is away training for 1 week..and I have not spoken to him since monday...for he is staying at a hotel and there is a bar ...and again has "shut" me out...like 3 weeks ago he was gone for 3 days drinking at his cabin with this friends, male/female.I called several times, no reply..Once he made contact with me, late on a Sunday nite...he told me he was sorry for not returning my calls , for it was the "booze" what am I to do? Iam hurt, upset,now this time I have spoken to him since monday march 31/08 I had called and left messages on Wednesday (day) no reply back...what do I do? move on? he knows he can go for days on his binges...and I be there when he sobers up....
Your advice would be greatly appreciated.
regards
ANSWER: Pauline,
when a man treats you badly and you keep
trying he knows he can treat you badly over
and over.
This man has a serious alcoholic problem,
this means he is going to keep drinking
and he is going to continue being irresponsible
in his behaviour toward you.
He is using "stress" as an excuse to drink.
Alcoholics often gulp drinks like there
isn't enough. They are often "people pleasers"
they want everyone to like them and become
resentful when they end up doing things
for others all the time, even though
it is their choice.
One thing to remember, this is HIS problem to solve.
The only thing you need to do is take
care of yourself.
You cannot cure or fix alcoholism.
You will remain angry, frustrated and you will
keep trying to solve his problem unless you
deal with your own attachment to him.
Get the book by Robin Norwood, "Women that love too much"
It is the best way to start loving yourself enough
to get away from men that treat you poorly.
You have to heal from the need for men like this.
Some part of you keeps hanging on to a bad situation
where you will get little of the love you want.
You can survive without him and his lack of responsibility
to you. That is not how people act when they truly care.
If you get the book I mentioned it will help immensely. http://womenwholovetoomuch.com/
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Believe it or not, I just received my dipoloma as a addictions care worker..I can mananage to help others...but when its your own...it not the same..I know in my heart where I want to be....as him, but...he is the one shuting me out and away.....should I let him know how Iam feeling ? and I am leaving until he makes some wise desions?...all I know , Iam miserable...for I know this is not the way to treat me....... we talk nitely...its only when he goes on these binges.....that he avoids me..I would never do that to him.....
Confused
Answer Pauline,
I do not think it will matter to him
how you feel as he can not control his
behaviour after he drinks.
He will continue to be the way he is
unless he quits drinking and attends
a recovery program like AA.
This will be up to him only.
You can not change him, so that means
you have to accept being ignored
or leave the relationship.
If you are feeling upset and miserable
then you need to let go.
He may never quit drinking, you
will have to decide to leave or
keep being mistreated.
Let him know how you feel and
if you say you are breaking up,
keep your decision firm or he will
just have you on a merry-go-round
of bad feelings.
He will say he is going to change
but he will not, I know from
many years of experience.
