Expert: Druideck - 4/20/2008

Question
QUESTION: My son is 27 and is in a serious situation. He has used drugs and alcohol for years, and will quit one addiction only to replace it with a new one. The alcohol is constant. He doesn't eat for days, has been diagnosed with severe liver damage, and is also bi-polar. He doesn't remember things, acts delusional, and I think sometimes hallucinates.Of course his Dr. has recommended rehab, but he refuses to do anything.He says all the rehabs and 12 steps are a "crutch", and absolutely won't have anything to do with any of it.Is there a way to have him legally commited to some kind of program without his permission? He's taking paxil for the bi-polar, but it seems to have made things worse. I don't know if it's the wrong meds, or if it's because of the extreme drinking. He's using 100 proof alcohol from the time he gets up, until he passes out,only sleeping 3-4 hours daily.Very bizarre behavior such as talking to himself and "people" who aren't there

ANSWER: Jennifer,

this a difficult question because the answers
are few. Your son has drank himself into
what is possibly late stage alcoholism
and the mental confusion that surrounds it.

The thing that keeps him drinking is
a obscession and compulsion driven by
extreme denial of his problem.
He is headed for insanity or death
if he refuses to get help.

The "crutch" he refers to helped
me to quit drinking and to stay
sober for 22 years so far.
He is past the point of choosing
whether he drinks or not, he is
addicted and dependent on alcohol.

This illness is what drives his
denial and keeps him drinking.
The solution is for him to accept
that he is very ill and needs help.

Unfortunatly he has to choose recovery
rather than insanity or death for himself.
It takes a levelling of the false pride
that refuses to listen to anyone else.

It takes giving up that he will ever
control his drinking and surrender
to a recovery program like the 12 steps.
Make sure you only contribute to helping
him recover. Give up any behaviour that
protects him from the consequnces of
his behaviour. Let him hit bottom
hard enough to help him see he has to change
or die. Information will not sober
him up nor will more loving actions.

Try to get some information from your
local drug counsellors, Al-Anon
and get him to start reading if you can
the "Big Book" of AA.
I suggest you read chapter 3 at least online here:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Reading this is important as it plants the
seeds of recovery in a person's mind which
may start to break the denial at some point.

He will recognize himself in the stories
and identify that he is one of us.
Tell him to write to me as I have been
at that lonely place as well.

Peace and love in your life.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: How do you make someone realize they are so sick? Especially when they have already been told they have severe liver damage at the age of 27? His answer to me is always "how can I stop something I love so much?" He feels like the alcohol gives him a better personality, and he he's so much more sociable while drinking.He doesn't realize the people he's impressing with his wonderful personality are all addicts like himself.He knows he's an alcoholic, but doesn't seem to care that he's dying in increments.How do you get someone to care, and stop being so selfish?

Answer
Jennifer,

alcoholics are blind to how severe their
problem is. The illness creates a strong
sense of denial which keeps them drinking.

often the only thing that will get through
to them is hitting bottom mentally, physically
emotionally and spiritually.
This means that everyone stops cooperating with
anything they do that contributes to their
drinking behaviours.
That means no more money, no more lectures,
no more putting up with bad behaviour.
In other words we give them the information
they need like phone numbers for counsellors,
or AA and then we let them decide for themselves
how they will live with their problem.

When alcoholics hit their own personal bottom
then it is up to them to desire sobriety.
It is really a choice between life and death.
I understand your desperation to help your son,
but he has to make the decision to get help.

It sounds like he thinks drinking is still
fun. He will not think that as it progresses.
Maybe then he will be beaten enough to
accept help to get sober.

A good rule is don't do anything for him
that he could do for himself if he wanted.
Alcoholics are irresponsible and need
to outgrow that to live as adults.
Helping is hurting when it comes to
people like that.

IF you see that he shows any real signs of
being ready to quit drinking, that
is the time to help.

Get him to read the  "Big Book" from AA, hopefully
it will become his best friend in time.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

I am sorry I can not offer you any guaranteed way to
force him to change, that is not the way of life.