AboutJoseph Lee O. Expertise Greetings to you! Having permanently recovered from chronic alcoholism by “taking The Steps” the original A.A. way, I now understand what makes people “tick”. I can explain the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic’s inherent condition, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required in order to truly recover.
Beginning in 1981, I have spent a great amount of time studying “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, as if my very own life depended upon doing so, and it did, and I have spent nearly an equal amount of time listening and sharing in many thousands of fellowship meetings. I am often able to “read between the lines” and help others to see things not always immediately obvious, and I can usually draw from my own experience while tying everything back to the beginning of personal recovery: One-to-one sharing at Step One.
Experience The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had “no effective mental defense against the first drink” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 43), and I took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done: it had seemingly “fixed” something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning very much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that might ever come along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the risks of continuing to drink had become too glaring for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive the drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as I had in days past, but something had seemingly “taken over” my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while scared-to-death over the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said or thought or did even only “one day at a time”, I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I quit and stay sober for long at all ... and such is the physical “allergy” (where one drink takes another) coupled with the mental-emotional obsession for the soothing effect of alcohol that eventually kills most chronic alcoholics ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma – my powerlessness – and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I “could not drink even if [I] would” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
Expert: Joseph Lee O. Date: 4/26/2008 Subject: Trying to understand my friends behavior
Question I have been close friends with an alcoholic for 2 years, since we met in graduate school. My relationship with him has been unusual for me. He's an amazing guy, smart, creative and can be very kind. He was married and divorced a year later, this was three years before I met him. After the divorce, his drinking began to spiral and he had several breakdowns and did one stint in Rehab. I knew none of this until he came to me during on of his breakdowns, scared for his life and wanted help with detox. Prior the breakdown he met a woman online who he started dating. He broke up with her a week prior to the breakdown and got back together with her as soon as he recovered from detox and was feeling happy, healthy and good about himself. He started going to AA at this time as well. However, as soon as he started hanging out with this other woman, he started treating me very differently. Going from being a very close friend, talking several time a day on the phone, to pushing me away and at times being an utter ass. He devoted all his free time to this other person. Periodically he and I had been intimate and this had occurred when he was not with this other woman. But, it was always strange. First he was really into it (he initiated) and then he would freak out and have to stop. He mentioned to me several times that she was not right for him because there were certain qualities he wanted in someone, such as a certain education level and interest in the world, so he broke up with her and wanted to remain friends with her. However, he had mentioned to me that he put me in a different category, one similar to his wife. That he adores me but feels that he is not good for me. Also that I am the closest person he has been to in a long time, especially a woman. I had also mentioned to him that I would not be in a serious relationship with him until he had been sober for a while. He had started drinking again and eventually I told him a friend of ours, who is a recovering alcoholic was going to reach out to him. He did not take this well and a few weeks later had another breakdown. It was also at this time that he started speaking to his ex girlfriend. It upset him so much that he broke her heart
(he ended the relationship with her three times). When he started fearing for his life, he came to me again, stating that he had no one to turn to and needed help. He is my friend and I too was fearful for his life. We discussed that he needed to get himself clean in order to not mess up the rest of his life. He agreed and has been sober now for about a month. However, like the last time, as soon as he was feeling better about himself he went right back to this other woman and has not called me once to chat or make plans since the breakdown. A week after the breakdown, I did call him up very upset. A delayed reaction to his almost killing himself and a fear that he would once again get back together with this other woman and not care about my friendship with him. He got very upset with me and said that I did not know how to be a friend and that I have no claim on him. Whatever that means. I was always under the impression that close friends share what's going on in their lives, especially if you have let them into the dark part of their personal life. Yes, I have shown frustration to the fact that he tells me how important I am to him and at times has no concern for my feelings. I feel I am the only person he treats this way and when I see him being so kind to someone else it hurts and I have freaked because none of it makes sense to me. This last time, I asked him why he comes to me when clearly this other person is much more important to him. That it makes me feel used that he comes to me when he is feeling bad only for me to fix him so he can be happy with someone else. Was this a really horrible thing to say to him? I'd really like to get some insight into what is going on in his head. Are the things he said to me the truth, or are they lies? How is it so easy for him to drop me once I devote so much time helping him to be with another person? Perhaps he really does love this other person, but why state I have a claim on him? Is this because I have witnessed him at his worst? Also, when he is with this other person, he is utterly devoted. Is it possible for him to have a healthy relationship coming directly out of detox?
Answer Greetings to you, Laura.
A bit of seeming schizophrenia or psychosis comes to mind as one possibility concerning the man you have mentioned, and with his drinking being a catalyst for speculation in life as well as an occasional "medication" for frustration. I can give you some insights into his behaviour, but that doe not guarantee you will be able to actually understand it. I know what I know and understand what I do only because I have lived it myself and have recovered from it.
You have written:
>> He's an amazing guy, smart, creative and can be very kind.
Some of this world's sharpest minds belong to people who are very troubled.
>> After [his] divorce, his drinking began to spiral and he had several breakdowns and did one stint in Rehab.
Although he might know what caused the divorce, he likely cannot imagine how that could have happened to him.
>> ... he came to me during one of his breakdowns, scared for his life and wanted help with detox.
That was a cry for some help, but he has yet to arrive at an awareness of complete defeat in life as required at the beginning of permanent recovery.
>> He broke up with [another woman] a week prior to the breakdown and got back together with her as soon as he recovered from detox and was feeling happy, healthy and good about himself.
He possibly did not want her to see the uncontrollability he has yet to even admit to himself.
>> However, he had mentioned to me that he put me in a different category, one similar to his wife. That he adores me but feels that he is not good for me.
He is more comfortable around you because you already know of at least some of his struggles, yet he goes elsewhere for at least this reason: To try to avoid an internal reality he does not understand and is hoping will somehow go away.
>> I told him a friend of ours ... was going to reach out to him. He did not take this well and a few weeks later had another breakdown.
At the moment, he is greatly shamed by the fact that he cannot solve a problem he does not even understand.
>> When he started fearing for his life, he came to me again, stating that he had no one to turn to and needed help ...
>> He [later] got very upset with me and said that I did not know how to be a friend and that I have no claim on him. Whatever that means.
That means he wants to be more or better than he is, but being around you somehow reminds him of what he is not ... kind of like this:
“More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it.
“The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his senses, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As fast as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension - that makes for more drinking.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 73)
>> I was always under the impression that close friends share what's going on in their lives ...
If he ever comes to understand what is actually going on in his life, or what has been going on in his past, he will almost certainly share it with you.
>> I asked him why he comes to me when clearly this other person is much more important to him. That it makes me feel used that he comes to me when he is feeling bad only for me to fix him so he can be happy with someone else. Was this a really horrible thing to say to him?
No, not at all, but he does not know how to process all of that and do right.
>> I'd really like to get some insight into what is going on in his head.
An irresolvable cacophony of thoughts, dreams, fears, ideas, hopes, frustration and despair.
>> Are the things he said to me the truth, or are they lies?
Probably the truth, but coming from a self-deceived man.
>> How is it so easy for him to drop me once I devote so much time helping him to be with another person?
In my own crazy days, I did the same with my first wife. She offered a certain type of mental “comfort zone” I could visit to keep from going “over the edge”.
>> Perhaps he really does love this other person ...
He does not know how to truly love anyone.
>> ... but why state I have a claim on him?
>> Is this because I have witnessed him at his worst?
No, and again: You represent or remind him of a certain type of character or way of life where he knows he should be, and he comes there hoping to somehow not lose sight of that even though the reminder only makes him feel bad and even angry.
>> Also, when he is with this other person, he is utterly devoted.
Yes, and he runs away before his Jekyll-Hyde dilemma kicks in. Truly, and having lived it myself, I can tell you he is a very troubled man.
>> Is it possible for him to have a healthy relationship coming directly out of detox?
No. Like so many times in the past, for a while he can be that “amazing, smart, creative and very kind guy” you first described, but not for long, and certainly not healthily.
Since I have possibly raised more questions than I have answered, please know you are always welcomed to write again.
