AboutDruideck Expertise All questions are important,
I have over 22 years of personal experience with alcoholism and recovery issues.
Advanced Counsellor Training / Experience with treatment and AA.
Experience Over 22 years of recovery from alcoholism.
Counsellor in an alcohol outpatient office.
Experience as client and as counsellor in treatment center.
Expert: Druideck Date: 4/21/2008 Subject: WIFE IS AN ACHOHOLIC
Question MY wife has been drinking heavily for years. Over the past 12 months it really became a problem. I was very aware of what was going on and told her I thought she had a problem. She tried controlling it amd so did I, but she was too far gone as far as being able to turn back and control the drinking. It as i expected turned into a multi car accident, and we are still waiting the consequences. She took a leave of absence from work, to work on this problem. She attended a few aa meetings, only to stop and buy liqour on the way home. She didnt work thr program, and I stopped allowing her to drive. The drinking didnt stop, and when I approached her with it, she will defend and lie to me that she did not drink. I left the home a few times, for 1 day to 3 days, and told her I wasnt going back home unless she had a plan to get better. She was almost on her way into rehab, and decided agaisnt it, thinking she can do this on her own. Three weeks went by and i acually felt she could do this. then came the three day binge. Then came me leaving again. Finally at the very least she agreed to get conseling, from an addiction therapist. But that hast stopped the drinking, its not every day, but it still happens. I have been tough on her, I have made some mistakes, I threaten to leave, and I have left a few times. But I also threaten divorce, and that seems to put her in a deeper hole. I dont trust her, I dont think she is ready to return to work, but staying homw now for three months, and with me constantly riding her, and telling her that I am going to end this marriage has turned her into a basketcase. Her family after giving me advice to be tougher on her, to leave her for six months, to take away her credit cards, etc.. has now come to her rescue, and blames me for ruining her life, and blames me for he drinking problem. Her parents also dont believe she is an achoholic and that she can drink soemtime in the future, " just have one" I am at my wits end. her parents bought her a car and she is now going back to work today. I am at a loss, i hope she prooves me wrong and going back to work helps her,. I just expect the worst a this point, but I am numb to it. Feeling of resentment toward her parents now permiate my existence. They told me that I have made her this way ,and that I need to leave her. She doesnt feel this way, but now Her parents have in my opinion set her back. Any thoughts on these matters. I need help.
Answer Dave,
I can sense all the frustration you have with your
wife and in-laws. Alcoholism is not controllable
especially from the outside.
Alcoholics are addicted and dependent on alcohol.
They can not quit on their own and can not
quit until they are ready to stick with the
help available.
Your reactions have been normal under the circumstances.
It is natural to try to force a change in someone
we see going downhill with drinking.
All your attempts to make her stop have failed,
this shows you the power of addictions.
I know her parents reaction seems wrong
and it is. No one causes alcoholism.
It is somewhat genetic I believe.
It happens to some people and to others not.
Enabling is when people behave in ways that
allow the alcoholic to continue in their illness.
Some alcoholics won't quit until things are really
bad. Threats just give them an excuse to drink.
Letting them take responsibility for
themselves helps them to see how bad things are.
Don't nag, threaten or treat her like a child.
Do let her handle all her own affairs and
don't cover up for her at all.
Don't do anything that makes it easier for
her to drink. But, what that means
is you need to detach from her as much as possible.
This is her life and her problem to solve.
Help is only possible once she gets serious about
quitting. If you are frustrated by her parents
behaviour just remember they will fail too.
Buying her a car will not solve what is her
responsibility only.
They have trouble seeing her as responsible for
herself.
Just back off and let them do their thing,
it will fail unless your wife decides
to get sober for herself.
Don't take responsibility for her problem.
She knows where AA is if she wants it.
It is important to stop fighting
with her. She can't quit without help.
Think of it as an illness with very
strange behaviours.
If you can't handle the feelings,
maybe you need to get away if you can
manage it. Her parents are doing
the only thing they know how
to protect her, even if they
are totally wrong.
Neither you nor they caused this problem.
It is an illness that develops in some people
and it can be treated if they become completely
willing to do what it takes.
I quit 22 years ago, when I realized it was life
or death. I was as confused by my problem as
was my family and wife. Recovery is possible
if your wife decides to choose it.
