Expert: Druideck - 4/15/2008

Question
Two weeks ago I finally got my wife to leave. in the last year she has been kicked out of rehab twice, been taken to the phsyc ward 3 times gone to rehab for 30 more days and was using pills and booze her first day out. Back to rehab for another 60 days. During that time I was left to clean up the mess that was left behind. We were evicted from our apartment due to the numerous police episodes. While she was away we had no contact for the some time but then talked again about a fresh start. I got myself a new home and invted her to join me and start over. We did and things looked great for about a month. Then it was back to the same old lies and behavior. When I was packing up her belongings to move to the new place I came accross a diary dated some five years prior to us meeting. I had seen it before but never opened it. This time I did and found out that her drug and alcohol problems dated back some 20 yrs. The worst part was I also found out that she had been a prostitute for six years. We have discussed it and I could deal with that if she was sober. She seems to blame her problems on her guilt and shame of her past. I think that is an excuse to keep using. She knows I love her, but part of me wonders if she is heading back to that same place again if she hasn't already and that is the reason for her behavior. I can no longer figure out the truth from the lies. I love her but have to stand by my word. She is now staying with her father and her next stop will be the street and that scares me. Thinking that my beautiful wife will end up choosing booze drugs and prostitution over a sober life with me is killing me. I can forgive her but how do I forgive myself for continuing to lower my standards.  

Dave

Answer
Dave,

your wife has a mental, emotional
and spiritual illness.
This is not something you or I
or anyone can control. The
only way for her to regain a
normal existence is to hit
bottom in a way that breaks through
her denial and makes her seek help
more seriously. Anyone that
keeps using or drinking after
rehab is not apparently ready
to get sober. You are right
about the excuses. A fresh start
is not possible with her using
drugs or alcohol. It will always
end the same. I feel your frustration
and helplessness, these feelings
are to be expected when someone
we care for can't seem to do what
it takes to save their own life.
I know from experience that people
loving me was not enough to change me.
I had to reach the point of life
or death to make the changes in my life
to remain sober.
I sobered up in AA and consider the
12 steps the best way out of this nightmare.
Has your wife been to any AA or NA meetings?
Get her a big book from AA, maybe she will read
it eventually. Hang in there as this
illness is none of your fault and nothing
you can do will change another person
permanently.
Get information from AL-Anon for yourself
and take care of your own being until
you see her really wanting help.