Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 4/18/2008

Question
I have a very dear friend of mine that has a severe drinking issue.  I have known her for about 8 years and she has lived with me for about a year.  It is getting to the point now that she will drink herself into unconsciousness only a few days a week, ( i know that, that sounds coy) She comes from an alcoholic family, and so do I.  I have started to stop drinking myself to help her.  Thinking that if it is not around she wouldnt be tempted.  I will say that she has had a very hard life, being kicked out at 14 and forced to live on her own ever since.  She is currently 26.  She is a very intellegent,  bright, and seemingly happy person when she is sober.  But when she starts to drink it all falls away.  She becomes angry, emotional, or depressed.  I try to help her by giving her food to help her body, and trying to take care of her when she is passed out.  But it is beginning to take a toll on me as well now, where my patience with her is growing thin.  I try to listen to her when she tells me things that are bothering her, But it goes for nothing when I try to help her to.  She will say things like, "im fine," and "dont worry".  But then 2 seconds later she is still crying, still upset.  Her family wants to setup an intervention, but I would rather not have her hate me for being there.  I am one of very few people in the world that she trusts and i dont want to lose that because I am trying to help her.  What would you suggest that I or her family should do?  any help or advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated

thanks
Derrick

Answer
Hello Derrick,
First of all, it is clear from what you say that you care about your friend a great deal. It is also clear that your friend has a number of indicators of alcoholism: a pattern of behaviors showing loss of control over amounts (drinking to unconsciousness 2 times (or more) a week), negative personality change due to alcohol (anger, depression), and concern on the part of significant others (you and family members). While these indicators are not enough for a definitive diagnosis, the concern from you and family strongly suggest your friend has a problem, and needs to be helped to seek treatment. A person with an alcohol problem will rarely seek help without external motivation (pressure). You may wish to think about the intervention as, in fact, a loving act because it may help save your friend's life, you and your friend's relationship, and you both a lot of misery.

You may have heard of the term "enabling", which means behavior that rescues an alcoholic rather than allowing the natural consequences of her alcohol related behaviors to occur. Pain and consequences are what usually motivate an alcoholic to seek help. So, even if you decide against being a part of the family intervention, and your friend does not get treatment, I suggest that you get some information about how to reinforce positive, non-alcoholic drinking behaviors by your friend, and avoid enabling negative drinking behaviors. Al-Anon, the Twelve Step Program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic, has meetings that can help give you support and information about the matters I mentioned in this answer: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ You can also go to my website for more information: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com/FamilyAddictionsCounselingonline.html Good luck.