Expert: Druideck - 4/20/2008

Question
I have just broken up with my girlfriend of four years. She was the love of my life. When we first met I was an active abuser and actually that is how we got to know each other. Early on in my drinking with her it became unmanageable for me. I sought help and two relapses later I'm proud to say I'm 2.5 years sober, did the 90 in 90, attended a men's group and now have been seeing my abuse therapist weekly.  I'm happy to say he has also become a friend. My question is this? Although my girlfriend supported and helped me to stop my active alcoholism, she continued drinking. Over the past year, Ihave seen it grow increasingly worse. (blackouts, vicious comments on the phone, canceling Friday movie dates at the last minute for girls night, sleeping away the weekend days etc. I have tried to talk to her about this but she has told me I am over sensitive or being hyper-vigilant because I am an alcoholic. I took stock in what she said. Partly for fear of losing her,partly because I love her so. She split up with me three weeks ago saying she needed space. Since then I have spoken to her a few times, and seen her once or twice. Both times I have seen her she looked horrible. The first time she got in my car and reeked of booze from the night before. I was worried about her so I checked in with her the next day at her house after not seeing her car in the driveway. She told me that she drank too much the night before so she left her car at her brothers. This made it two nights in a row. Just today Sunday, she called me to tell me she had started dating someone knew. I asked her how they met, and she told me that her roommate, who also drinks heavily introduced them. I then just saw her about an hour ago at 3:00 pm and she was drunk. The usual stuff came out, you don't want to love a girl like me, I've been drinking and this isn't a good time to talk etc. I dropped the things I had for her and left. I am  not in aposition with our relationship to talk to her about this. It would be met with anger. Even when I asked earlier if she had been drinking she gave me a disgusting look. I love her dearly but I fear that her drinking was a major influence in breaking us up, and don't know if I should try and help or I am feeling heartsick over my loss. Please help.

Answer
Jason,

when you met this girl you were both
active drinkers. It is not surprising that
she has a drinking problem too.
You are more aware now that you have sobered up.

Alcohol abuse becomes more obvious to us
when we are in recovery. Alcohol has
a way of creating strong denial in people
when they are actively drinking.

This denial as you must know is very
hard to overcome. It often takes
severe consequences for us to seek
sobriety.

Your "ex" may not be ready to get sober yet.
This is something she has to decide for
herself. I know it hurts to watch her
go downhill but it sounds like she is moving
on with her life and her drinking.

It doesn't sound like she wants you to
interfere by the looks she gives you
and the way she has been acting.

I know you may feel a strong attraction
to her, but if you get caught up
in trying to help or "save" her
it will make your life unmanagable.
People addictions can destroy us
just as quickly as alcohol.
We start obscessing about where
they are, what they are doing and
how we can manipulate them to our
will. This is not love, this is control.

Bless her, then let go and let god decide
when and if she will get sober.
If she is drinking, you will only get
hurt if you stay around her.
Helping is only possible when someone
wants help. It may not be her time yet.

Whenever you feel compelled to
do something, that strong feeling
is more likely an addictive compulsion
than a true feeling of love.
We alcoholics often switch addictions
in our search to be whole.
Be vigilant and treasure your sanity
and sobriety. Good job!