AboutJohn Hendrix Expertise I can answer questions regarding treatment of Substance-related disorders using Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and Motivational Enhancement Therapy.
Experience I am an Internationally Certified Alcohol and Drug Counselor (ICADC) and have a Bachelors degree in Psychology.
Expert: John Hendrix Date: 4/2/2008 Subject: ex husband
Question Hi John,
Im writting you to get advice. Three years ago i left my common law husband of 15 years due to his alcoholism. we have a son together and i have a daughter that was 3 years old when we met. my ex has caused very serious problems such as punching holes in the wall, spending all the money, being so drunck he couldnt get up or would be falling down the steps. You get the idea. After i left him for two years he continued drinking daily and was only getting worse. He would tell me on a daily basis that he loved the kids and me with all his heart. My kids and i prayed he would start to help himself and i probley would have gotten back with him.. About a year ago me met a girl and moved in with her after two weeks of dating,she had just left her husband of 24 years a month before. At that point he started to be very calus to me. They were married a year later. My ex claims that he is able to drink now with no problems and cant remember the last time he was drunk. and that the problems from his drinking were due to me cause i did not allow him to drink. His wife has recently said to me that the only reason he drinks or gets angry now is because of me. My question is do you beleive after 15 years of being a bad alcoholic that he could chage without any help? Could i have been the problem?
Answer You are not now nor have you ever been "the problem". Your ex-husband's drinking was and still is the problem. You did not cause it, you could not control it. Just as with any other person, he is and adult and therefore is responsible for his own behavior.
In my opinion, he and his new wife are attempting to inflict guilt on you. The good news is that it will not work unless you choose to let it work. Mistakes are made in all marriages, but his alcohol dependence is not a mistake you made.
As to whether he can continue to drink responsibly now, only time will tell. Some people can occasionally regain control over their alcohol use even after it has been a problem. Others can do so for awhile but eventually return to problem drinking. I believe it is too early to tell which group your ex-husband will fall into.
On a more personal note, I must say I am proud of you for having the courage to leave a destructive relationship. Many spouses remain until tragedy strikes. I know it must have been difficult for you, but I believe you made a healthy decision for yourself.
