Expert: Rebos - 4/14/2008

Question
QUESTION: My sister had been living with an alcoholic boyfriend for 15 years. Finally, the boyfriend did something which caused my sister to move out in January, and move in with her daughter. Unfortunately, she struggles with alcohol as well and they both have substance abuse issues which have caused them serious legal and financial issues. She seemed very determined to live right when she moved out.  She had no savings and didn't make enough money to rent her own place to live and owed back bills due to the fact that the boyfriend hadn't worked in six months. He has no license due to DWI nor will he probably get it back.  She insists that this boyfriend is her soul mate, and that he's the love of her life, but talks about meeting someone else, yet doesn't try to have any kind of social life so she can meet whomever that may be.  She has held down a job for several years and must hold it down because there are issues in her past that would make it almost impossible for her to get another job. She performs well at her job.

When she made the decision to move out, her daughters and I were very excited because it seemed she was making positive changes and ready to get healthy.  My mother, her and I decided that Mom would move across country she and our mother could rent a place together so that my sister could help our elderly mother and keep her from having to go into assisted living, while at the same time, giving her a chance to fix her financial situation so that she could survive financially on her own some day. My mother lives near me and I am the only family person here, while there is a lot of family and friends living near my sister, so this seemed like a good plan for everyone.  Throughout this process, my sister would take calls from the ex boyfriend, insisting to us that she was 'mentoring' him and helping him to fix himself.  She met him for coffee and lunch one day and told him everything he had put her through in their relationship.  They listened to "The Secret" together and she told us he'd cut down on his drinking and seemed to be finally changing.  Then last week, she discovered that he'd been lying to her about how much he'd been drinking (his friends ratted him out of respect for her) and she said she was finished with him, but that she still felt he was her soulmate. This week he told her that if she wasn't going to be his girlfriend, then he would have to find another because he wasn't going to be alone.  That devastated her and you can probably guess what happened that weekend.  She ran back to him, was out all night, overnight, and called in sick to work the next day, something she can ill afford and hasn't done in a long time because of him.  Now she has announced that she's going to date him.  She says that her boundries are healthy and that she is living right and that's the important thing.  Last week she was done with him and this week she's back to dating him so I don't think there are any boundries, much less healthy ones.

As her sister and the person who has been taking care of our parents, I am at a loss right now.  I'm not sure if she will decide to move back in with him, even though she keeps insisting that she won't and still wants to live with our mother.  I have taken myself out of the decision process about her and mom living together and told my mother what I know about what has been going on with my sister, and that mom was going to have to talk to her to decide if she still wanted to live with her.  Mom is competent enough to decide that, and less confident than myself about the success of that.  I've also decided that am going to set a boundry with her and refuse to listen to her talk about her relationship with this man, ever again, (and will hang up if she mentions him) because I believe that having a place to vent about their unhealthy relationship only helps her to continue in it.  Two of her three grown daughters have come to the same conclusion. I've also decided that God has a plan for my sister and my mother and that I have to pray to Him to reveal it to us so we can see it.  Also, having to hear about and deal with all the stress of her relationship with this man expends a lot of time and energy on my part that I do not have right now, as I have our mother living with us, our dad in a nursing home with dementia, one child still at home who is about to graduate and go to college, and another in his first year of college.  Also, I have to start job hunting because I have to go back to work full time this summer to help pay for college expenses for two kids, which is why we are looking for an alternate solution for my mom as I will be working and there is no one else to help care for her here.

As her sibling and as the person who has been the caregiver for our parents, I'm concerned about her living with my mom. I'm at a loss as to whether or not living with my mother would be a help or only serve to enable her. I have been responsible for Mom's financial interests and have ensured they are protected and can be monitored easily.

I would like to know if my boundries seem logical and healthy with respect to my relationship with my sister, and if you think the idea of mom and sis living together would be a disaster, given what is currently going on.  The living together thing would not happen for a few months so we have some "wait and see" time to work with.  Also, do I seem to have clarity about the seriousness of this situation or am I totally paranoid, as my sister has seemed to indicate?  

Thank you for your time.

ANSWER: Good afternoon K and thank you for your question.

What troubles me the most is that while you may think that you are controlling your sister, she is actually controlling you, your mother and the whole family. As an example; what would you think of me if I told you that every day before I went to work I paid a visit to a mental institution…tapped one of the insane patients on the shoulder and asked him or her…How should I act today, or… I have an important decision to make today and how do you think that I should handle it? I would bet that under those circumstances you would think that I was crazy to expect that I was allowing an insane person to run my life. Well… that’s exactly what you and your family are doing…you are allowing the sick one (your sister) to make decisions for you as to how you will feel or will act during the day!

Not-with-standing that fact you and your family are the classic definition of “enablers” since your sister is not being made to pay the price of her bad behavior. In fact every time she gets away with not paying the price for her bad behavior the family is really saying to her, “it’s OK for her to drink or to go back to her boyfriend”!  Until you understand that you are powerless over your sister’s drinking, her boyfriend’s drinking, her love life and that your life has become unmanageable… you are destined to be miserable. I believe that you and your mother should be attending Alanon meetings. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

If you have not already done so I suggest that you look into moving your mother out of the house with your sister and move her into an assisted living facility. She deserves a little peace of mind for the years that she has left and not be involved with your sister’s day to day problems. You should also consider cutting off all ties with your sister. If any one were to call you and bring up the subject of your alcoholic sister, I would, in no uncertain terms tell them that you choose to not talk about your sister any more. AND MAKE IT STICK. I also include your mother. The situation is not as complicated as you may think… it’s complicated because you are making it complicated! Your sister is a very sick lady, and alcoholism is very contagious. It’s not that you will catch her alcoholism, but you will be infected with the insanity of her alcoholism. If you don’t care of what its doing to you just think of what this is doing to her children and your own children You mentioned that your sister is mentoring her boyfriend… “when the blind lead the blind they both fall into the ditch”. All alcoholics will find any excuse to justify their right to continue drinking.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer, and I hope that you are not offended by my directness. You have to face the truth and sometimes it’s hard to do. If you have any further comments or questions please feel free to contact me again. Thank you, Rebos



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Rebos,

I have to admit I was HORRIFIED when I read your response to my situation with my sister.  That I could be enabling her was unimaginable, when I have tried so hard not to.  I let my mother read it as well.  Then I did some more research on 'enabling vs. helping'.  I mulled over that, plus what you had written, trying to figure out what I should do.  By the way, my mother hadn't moved in with my sister and that plan is definitely on hold. In the time we were thinking about all this, my sister's denial about her illness re-asserted itself fully, and she has thrown herself back into a relationship with the alcoholic with gusto.  It was like she took 3 steps forward in January and 20 steps backward this week. I realized then that you were right.  If I ignored the situation and kept up a relationship with her, I would be enabling her by giving her strength to keep up the facade that she was doing okay, and letting her know that I would tolerate any behavior from her, thus making it easier for her to continue down the path she chose.  This was a harder concept to grasp because it is much subtler than handing her money which she'd use to support their unhealthy lifestyle. Also, it would only serve to drive me nuts in the process.

I called her up, told her that I could not have a relationship with her until she started going to Al-anon and/or sought professional help.  She didn't even understand why I was setting these boundaries with her.  She tried arguing, debating, and accusing me of being less than 'healthy' myself, but I told her that it wasn't open for debate or negotiation.  I even held the phone away from my ear so I couldn't hear all the stuff she was spewing into the phone. I told her that I had to do this for myself and that I needed to take care of me and a relationship with her while she was in this situation was adding stress to me and my family that I didn't need.  I refused to get engaged in any conversation or debate with her.  She said there was no way she was going to al-anon because she had done that years ago regarding her teenage daughter, and felt that she didn't need it because she was perfectly fine.  That really convinced me how sick she is.  She said "I guess that's that, then." We said bye and hung up at that point.  I haven't spoken to her since, and will keep to my resolve.  I'm sad but know that this is the only way.  Her grown daughter has also told her the same thing, and is determined to keep her out of her life.  It finally hit me that the allure of the false security of that toxic life is stronger than her need to maintain a relationships with family.  I know I made the right decision.  It was one of the hardest conversations I've ever had.  If I begin to struggle with moving on from this, and find myself thinking about it too much, I plan on making an appointment with a therapist to get some help for myself, as I know that being pre-occupied with this situation for too long would indicate that I need some help with it.

Even though I was angry at first, I think your strong response to my question was absolutely necessary to get me to sit up and take notice of my own behavior in this situation.  

Thank you,
K

Answer
Good afternoon K and thank you for your follow-up message.

I can’t stress it strongly enough that you and your mother should start attending Alanon meetings. Once again, the telephone number is 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). When you attend Alanon will find that your situation is not as unique as you may think. Most of us really don’t know what the “joy of living” is all about, since we are very quick to overlook what we have to be grateful for and focus on the negatives in our lives. You will be surprised when you learn about the negative impact that your sister has had on your life. I would wish you good luck, but good luck will have nothing to do with YOUR recovery… hard work is the answer for you to recover from having a sister such as you have! Alanon will show you the way to peace of mind, and freedom from self.

If I can help you at any time please do not hesitate to contact me again. Thank you again Rebos