Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 4/29/2008

Question
Hi, I am Nichole, I have been with ths same guy for almost 6 years now, we have two beautiful children, 8 months and 2 1/2. About three years ago he started drinking very heavily, I just thought he was having some fun and didnt think much of it. After I found out I was pregnant for our daughter he started getting really mean, now he is extrememly emotionally abusive, he just started a great new job on 3rd shift and even when he comes home he starts drinking. When I was first pregnant he came home blackout drunk and punched me right in the face, I told him that if he so much as had a thought of drinking I would kick him out so he quit drinking for several months until his grandmother, who he was very close to, died unexpectedly. I know I cant fix him, I basically just keep my mouth shut while he is home because I refuse to fight in front of my children, my problem is right now I am in school fulltime getting my degree for medical transcription so I am dependant on his income, If I kick him out I wont have a car or be able to pay my bills and the house we live in is mine, I am buying it in my name only. Also, I dont know what to do about the kids, I would not be able to let him see them unsupervised considering he gets so drunk. I actually called the police on him when he got so drunk and started driving around and he went to jail for drunk driving. My kids are my life and I dont believe that they would be safe with him alone. I dont think he would intentionally hurt them but he just wouldnt pay enought attention and if you have children you know that could prove to be deadly. I am just at my wits end, I cant get him to admit that he has a problem so I cant help him fix it. What are some options? I feel totally trapped.

Answer
Greetings to you, Nichole.

It is nearly impossible to give very much specific advice from a distance and without knowing more of your immediate details, yet I do believe I can help at least a little as I go down through your letter.

You have written:

>> About three years ago he started drinking very heavily ...

It sounds to me like he was somehow troubled by the thought of responsibility for your first child.

>> I just thought he was having some fun and didn’t think much of it.

That is understandable.

>> After I found out I was pregnant for our daughter he started getting really mean ...

May I reword that?

>> After *he* found out I was pregnant for our daughter he started getting really mean ...

For whatever reason or reasons, the man is not handling “family” well at all.

>> ... now he is extremely emotionally abusive ...

Again, my guess is that he is overwhelmed by some kind of fear.

>> he just started a great new job on 3rd shift and even when he comes home he starts drinking.

It sounds like he is wanting to be responsible, but the best he can do at the moment is to work, drink, sleep and eat while trying to “survive” as best he can.

>> When I was first pregnant he came home blackout drunk and punched me right in the face, I told him that if he so much as had a thought of drinking I would kick him out so he quit drinking for several months until his grandmother, who he was very close to, died unexpectedly.

Grandmother or no grandmother, my guess is that you might have to soon follow through on what you have first intended and actually put him on out until both of you can be completely confident of his ability to be as he should.

>> I know I cant fix him, I basically just keep my mouth shut while he is home because I refuse to fight in front of my children ...

That might be good enough for them at the moment, but neither you nor the children can live like that indefinitely.

>> my problem is right now I am in school fulltime getting my degree for medical transcription so I am dependant on his income ...

At least for now, you are going to have to choose between your children and a possible “career”.

>> If I kick him out I wont have a car or be able to pay my bills ...

... and you and your children will continue living in a disaster zone.

>> Also, I dont know what to do about the [children], I would not be able to let him see them unsupervised considering he gets so drunk.

A judge would likely decide that.

>> My [children] are my life ...

Then put all your focus and energy only on what is best for them.

>> I dont believe they would be safe with him alone ... he just wouldnt pay enough attention ...

Certainyl not while drinking.

>> I am just at my wits end ...

After many years ago putting my first wife through what you are experiencing, I can now say I understand.

>> I cant get him to admit that he has a problem so I cant help him fix it.

Show him this letter and let him know I would like to try to help.

>> What are some options? I feel totally trapped.

The only other option that comes to mind at the moment would be for you to talk with your parents or siblings or anyone else at all that you believe would help you do what is best for your children.  With someone else doing the providing, they need you at home with them as their mother until they are emancipated.

Please never hesitate about writing again,

Joseph Lee O.