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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Substance Abuse > Addiction to Alcohol > 3 months later since I wrote
Expert: Clyde
Date: 5/9/2008
Subject: 3 months later since I wrote
Question
Hi - I wrote to you 3 months ago about living with my alcoholic partner of 5 years and if I should go.
Well, I did leave, but in the weeks before setting the date to go I did give him every opportunity to seek help, go to counselling etc. He didnt even try, and assumed I would not proceed to leave.
In the first month after taking my baby and going, he drank just as much if not more and ''went out alot''. Then after 2 months he decided to have contact with his son and it was a pleasant and civil day for the 3 of us. He asked me to come home and used all the usual words that he would cut back on his drinking, etc. I said I cant.
Now its been 3 months and he is begging for me to come home and says he promises that we will attend ''marriage counselling'' to sort out our problems. He says he drinks far less now and just wants me and our son back home. He is hurting alot and I feel guilty.
Meanwhile - I have set myself up a new life - even have a good job and providing for my son extremely well, and have new friends.
But I dont know what to do - I thought leaving meant leaving - now hes playing with my head again. When I see kids with thier dads I get very sad.
I need advice. My head is telling me to not go back as being with him meant lots of emotional abuse and watching him get drunk all the time. Can counselling help to the point that I could have a normal life with him? My heart is unsure if it is actual love of just the fact that we have a 5 year history together (and a baby). Help!
Heather.
Answer
Heather,
Thank you for the follow-up and congratulations on making the tough choices for you and your son!!!
I do believe that your head is playing a game on you seeing as how so many good things are happening for you in your new life. You are reaping the rewards of facing the fears of leaving something you know for something unknown - God's plan for you.
Let me speak to the alcoholic in your life for a moment in this answer. ... If an alcoholic has not STOPPED drinking, then do not trust that person for anything they may say about their love for you or their children. It is a lie and it is absolutely not your fault for what occurs in their life because of the lie.
The sad truth of the matter is that alcohol is this guy's first and only love. He can not love anyone or anything more than it. The alcoholic must reach a place of desperation in which he will take note of where he is headed and what he stands to lose. He is in that place right now as you have made a new life for yourself.
Until this fellow "puts a plug in the jug", as we say in AA, and gets on with facing his own issues on his own, he will not be of any use to you or his son. His suggestion to go for marriage counseling places the blame on you but it lies squarely on his shoulders. I do not say that to imply you don't have any of your own issues, as we all do, but alcohol is the problem here, and if you are not a drinker in excess, then, once again, it is squarely on his shoulders.
As for your son, yes, it is tragic that your partner does not realize the damage he is perpetrating in that young life. But it is his choice and you can do nothing about it. You can do all in your power to give them time to be together on outings such as you had recently, but beyond that it would not be wise to give him any more access to the child than need be. A father who really cares for his children's mental and emotional health and future would give up bad habits that are destructive to that relationship.
In closing, Heather, you've done the right thing. I know if is not easy and your head will try to lie to you and place guilt on you but keep the faith that you are on a road that will lead to many happier times. Keep talking to trusted people in your life to keep this burden lighter and aired out. When we let things ruminate in our heads we can go crazy.
Hope this helps.
Grace and Peace,
Clyde
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