AboutClyde Expertise I can answer questions on the recovery from alcohol addiction as I am a recovering alcoholic with 14 years of sobriety. I can also address the spiritual aspects of the 12-Step program as I have a Master of Divinity degree.
Experience I am a recovering alcoholic with 14 years of continuous sobriety.
Education/Credentials Master of Divinity awarded in 2000 from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary
Question I have 2 children, with my ex-husband, who is an alcoholic. My daughter, who is 13, suffers the most because of his disease. I have started keeping the children from him for overnight visits because he won't stop drinking when they are there. He tells my daughter that it's all my fault that they can't see each other and that I look for every reason to keep him away from them. My interest is in their safety while in his custody and I don't think that leaving them with a drunk overnight is being a good mother on my part. My daughter thinks all of this is her fault and he lets her believe that and continues to place blame on me. This creates problems between my daughter and I because she sides with him and doesn't understand why I won't let them go spend the night. He manipulates her and tells her things like he is going to adopt some children because he can't be with his own. My first instinct is to cut all contact between him and my children, I have the lee-way to do that with my custody agreement. But am I making things worse on her by not letting her have contact with her father?
Answer Michelle,
Thank you for your contacting AllExperts.com and for your questions.
I take it that this is definitely a divorce situation as you say ex-husband and custody agreement. It is indeed your right and your responsibility as the custodial parent to care for the children as you see fit. And if that means no overnights at dad's then that is what should happen.
It is very difficult for a 13 year old to understand the concept of custodial rights and responsibilities - particularly when you have an ex-husband who is ignorant enough to manipulate the children's minds. It is sad that there is such childishness going on.
It is my opinion that one's maturity has stopped during the drinking days and this is what leads to the resentments and childish games played by an alcoholic. A mature, well-adjusted man would know it is in the best interests of the children to nurture good relationships within the family system even if a divorce occurred. The divorce took place, deal with it and make very effort to help the children understand it is nothing they did that caused.
I said all that to sort of elaborate on the things probably at play here. Unless he gets help and begins to work a 12-step program he will not grow up and become a dad that he children could be proud of. That doesn't sound like it will happen any time too soon.
In the meantime and back to your question, you are NOT making it worse on her by limiting the contact. She will have to grow up as well. I would suggest that you continue to work with your daughter on this and build upon the times when you will allow contact. Make very effort to make those times more frequent and perhaps invent some others along the way. Let her know that you are not denying her contact but that there is a limit to what is allowed. Stress to her that you will do all in your power to be the nurturing parent who works with her dad as best you can. It may not be easy but this will foster trust between you and your daughter that you know she wants and needs to have a father in her life.
If she has not considered it before, you might suggest that she attend an Alateen meeting. Here she will meet and make friends with kids her own age who are dealing with this same issue. It will be a safe place for her to have support people and where she can freely talk about her dad and you. She needs that space. This has been a saving grace for many thousands of teens who don't understand why mom and dad can't be together. They come to understand that it isn't anything they did to cause the breakup.
