Expert: Druideck - 5/23/2008

Question
Hi, my question is my friend and I have been friends since we were kids and now we are 40 well I am 40 she is 39 and soon to be 40 and we drank when we were younger we were partiers big time but as we got older I stopped and she didn't but she does it alone and when she comes to my house to spend the night which I really think she stays over because she knows she can't drive when she has been drinking otherwise she could just go home after visiting. She has been drinking like this for years all she does is go to work and then goes home and drinks. There is nothing going on in her life and I do believe she is depressed because I just recently got married and she has no prospects of any type of boyfriend because she doesn't go anywhere to meet anyone. She always puts herself down then when I bring that up she says she doesn't feel bad about herself. She drinks every night and has tried to lie to me saying she only drinks on the weekends but I know that is not true. She is unhealth and over weight and is on high blood pressure med. and when we talk on the phone all she talks about is nothing and repeats everything I say just because hse has nothing going on to talk about. The real problem is she has been drinking sooooo long that she really doesn't get sloppy drunk so because of that she claims not to have a problem. Atleast once a month she calls in to her work sick and she just stays inside her house. She never gets out in the sunlight ever. She knows how I feel about the whole drinking thing and still she drinks when she comes to my house she acts like she is just having a cocktail and she is not. I think she hates what she is and is depressed adn I have to be honest It angers me so much. What should I do????????????????? Please I need some help. Thanks

Answer
Anna,

I see this happen to so many people like your friend.
They don't even know life without drinking exists.

After so many years of daily drinking it justs
becomes something that people do to feel normal.
They no longer get much euphoria or good feelings
drunk or sober. It numbs feelings so much
it becomes impossible to even know what
feelings are.

The biggest problem with alcoholics is there
blindness to their problem drinking.
This is what they call "denial"

The nature of alcoholism is it blocks
the alcoholics ability to see what's
happening to them. This is partly what
rehabs and treatment centers are for,
they have group sessions with alcoholics
and attempt to help them see the extent
of the problems their drinking is causing.

The real problem is getting these people
to go for counselling, treatment/rehab
or even AA meetings which are great at
helping them see themselves.

You friend likely has a million reasons
or excuses for how she drinks and lives.
For recovery to happen she will have to be
honest with herself.

You can only do so much as it will
depend more on her to desire a new life
for herself.

If you try too much to help her you will
become an "enabler". This is a person
who does too much for her and keeps
her from experiencing the
consquences of her behavior.

Helping can become an illness in itself
and it can drain the life out of you
just like an addiction.

I suggest leaving some information
around like pamphlets for
counselling, rehabs, or AA.
You can pick these up at
your local alcohol counselling
agency or call AA in your area.

Try not to lecture her but encourage
her to talk about drinking.
Maybe you can talk about the old
days and why you stopped drinking so much.
If she ever shows an interest in quitting
tell her you will go with her to
an open AA meeting. A few AA meetings
may peak her curiosity when she
sees sober ex-drinkers that are happy.

Don't let her pull your life down,
she has an illness and many do not
recover. Care for your own feelings
and distance yourself if you need too.
Some will choose recovery and some will not.
This is life and we can only hope the
best for her.

Good luck!