AboutClyde Expertise I can answer questions on the recovery from alcohol addiction as I am a recovering alcoholic with 14 years of sobriety. I can also address the spiritual aspects of the 12-Step program as I have a Master of Divinity degree.
Experience I am a recovering alcoholic with 14 years of continuous sobriety.
Education/Credentials Master of Divinity awarded in 2000 from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary
I was reading your answers to Heather's questions and felt an overwhelming need to stand in agreement with everything you said to her.
Obviously, I do not know Heather...but I AM HEATHER. I married my high-school/college sweetheart and had 3 beautiful children...stayed in the marriage for 12 years, crying and not sleeping most nights...clinging to the times (I can count them on ONE hand) that our "family" was peaceful, content and thriving...always hoping that his (former husband's) words were true. That he LOVED me, LOVED our kids, would do ANYTHING to save our marriage, would cut down on drinking, would quit drinking...you name it, I heard it. And I so DESPERATELY wanted to believe him. I prayed, poured myself into my church, friends, kids...sought Godly counsel...and it wasn't until we were out at a restaurant and a STRANGER approached me (an angel, I believe), grabbed my arm and looked into my eyes, imploring me to keep myself and my kids safe ( she had been observing how my former husband had been talking to and interacting with the kids)...I finally realized that I had to brush the dust off the bottom of my feet and walk away. I filed for divorce, all the while telling my former husband that if he wanted to seek help for the alcoholism, I would be his biggest fan. This was SO difficult because I had married this man for better or worse, forever in the eyes of the Lord.
It took us over 4 years to finalize the divorce, as there was a lot of financial wrangling and money issues. He started dating his hairstylist when we separated; he ended up in the hospital for 5 weeks on life support, almost dying of severe DT's and pancreatitis (he was 40); he and his girlfriend married and have a little boy.
AND NOTHING HAS CHANGED. He loves alcohol more than her, his children, himself and God. It is his false idol. I do believe he hates it, but he needs it.
So I completely agree with your statement to Heather about the unknown and God's plan for her life. I, too, was in complete unknown. I left a long-term marriage, really my first love and complete financial security, for God's best for me. I am now in a restored marriage to a man who is such a gift to me. I could never have imagined that I would be where I'm at today, but stepping out in blind faith was the only way to get here.
My biggest challenge, at this point, is keeping my heart soft towards my former husband and his new wife. He directs a lot of pain and anger at me, and is completely inappropriate with the kids. He allows them to have gross music on their ipods, watch rated "R" movies (they are so young), I could go on and on. Things that would not be OK with 99% of parents, Christian or not. I've tried to address these things with him, but he is completely shut off, almost enjoys upsetting me. So I've taken the tactic of not saying anything and ensuring that my home is as safe and loving as possible. Am I giving up too easily? I have friends who encourage me to fight him in court, etc, but his financial pockets are very deep, the kids don't do well with animosity between us...I just don't have the energy. What would you advise?
Thanks for your time. I've written to another expert on this site, as well, and have been so blessed by all answers.
TJ
Answer TJ,
Thank you for your kind words and for the explanation of where you are in regards to the former husband and his actions.
It is truly inspiring to hear from someone who has "been there done that" and to hear how their life has been changed by their willingness to face the fears and the unknown and get to the other side. Blessings on you and your new life!
As far as the ex-husband, well, you have discovered many years ago the truth - he loves alcohol more than any relationship with any human being. Fact. He is an alcoholic and that is what alcoholics do - they drink and they don't care who gets hurt.
This does not mean he is a bad person - he is a Child of God who has bad behavior. We love the sinner and hate the sin. Not always an easy thing to do.
I believe that you are primarily struggling with forgiveness. I highly recommend a small book by Lewis B. Smedes, entitled "Forgive and Forget." A tremendously powerful read on the concept and the difficulty of forgiveness. I'll give you what I believe to be the most poignant sentence of the book. He says, "you will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well."
That is a marvelous little sentence but it packs such profoundness - in recalling the hurt, God grants you His power because we as human beings do not possess the power to forgive.
As you come to grips with forgiveness you will be able to see the illness within your husband and have compassion for him. You will truly wish him a thousand-fold what you have been given. He is the father to your children , he is their dad, and he is only human.
But Smedes does not leave us in a place of being a doormat. The person who perpetrates the wrong must bring truthfulness and honesty to the table if we are to reconcile our differences. If they won't (or can't) then we heal ourselves and continue to pray for their bounty.
The miracle of all this is that what they do is nothing of our concern. The music the kids are allowed to listen to while around him is of no consequence. You've made their space with you the safe and inviting place a parent should make for them. Those are within your control.
As your animosity towards him diminishes then the circular game is broken and you will have found a new sense of empowerment. I think it all resides in our prayerfully asking for the power to forgive.
