Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 5/1/2008

Question
Hi Joseph.  I've been chewing a lot of much of your response to my first question, and I have an overwhelming desire to ravenously devour the Alcoholics Anonymous book.  I didn't realize how much of its original message and intent has been diluted or misinterpreted by (perhaps even well-intentioned) people in the recovery field.  

I most appreciated your pointing out of the healthy co-dependent relationships that we were created to have.  It was like a lightbulb went off inside my head!  Everything that I believe spiritually would agree with that sentiment, and it was exciting for me to more fully understand that co-dependence is not negative when it is healthy.

That being said, I do have some nagging questions that lurk inside my soul and rear their ugly heads now and again.

My former husband and I were high school sweethearts, married after college and had three amazing kids together.  In total, I have spent a majority of my life in relationship with him (and still do, obviously, with the kids in common).  I believed he loved me with all of his heart and I wonder if he still does.  As hard as I try to tell myself I don't care about him, I'm telling myself a lie.  This was especially evident as he lay in the hospital for 5 weeks, uncertain if he would live...I was surprised by the depth of my sadness and tears.  His fiancee at that time (they married 3 months later)called me twice when he was in the hospital, to say she was "sorry for all I had to go through."  I'm not quite sure what prompted that, since she and I have historically had an acrimonious relationship--my former husband started dating her the SECOND we separated and there's a lot of pain in that for me...what would be best to do if and when she ever reaches out to me again?  It would need to be something other than written material (her reading/comprehension is very limited).  I look at them together (they have a 6 month old son) and fear that it's going to get ugly for her, too.  I guess I just want to emotionally prepare for a grace-filled response if the time ever comes, since I have historically been cold and unloving towards her.

Why do I sometimes wonder if he is blissfully happy with her?  My head knows that he is really sick, but sometimes I hear echoes of things he said to me, telling me how bitchy, naggy and ungrateful I was (and am).  In the past, he has told me how he thanks God every day that he no longer has to deal with me.  Even though I love my current husband very much and am so thankful for healthy opportunities every day, my former's words hurt me.  Does he really hate me so much, or does he hate himself that much?  Being completely honest, I HAVE said cruel, unloving, bitter things to him...I hated who I became with him, and even today, I hate how being around him, even for one minute, makes my stomach clench.  As I work on taming my tongue and practicing grace and forgiveness, what is most helpful for an alcoholic to hear?  I know I've said horrible, crazy things to him that I can't even imagine saying to anyone else...and here I am, upset that he hurts ME so badly.  What a vicious cycle.

I guess I wrestle with insecurities.  Have you read the book "Under the Influence" and if so, what do you think of it?  I found it interesting to read a little bit about (what this author believes is) the chemical and physiological changes that occur on a cellular level for people who are born alcoholic.

Well, thanks for your ear.  I am humbled by your willingness to offer insight and support.  

Blessings to you.
TJ

Answer
Greetings again, TJ.

You have written:

>> I've been chewing a lot ... and I have an overwhelming desire to ravenously devour the Alcoholics Anonymous book.  I didn't realize how much of its original message and intent has been diluted or misinterpreted by (perhaps even well-intentioned) people in the recovery field.

The trouble actually began way back here:

“In the spring of 1940, John D. Rockefeller, Jr. gave a dinner for many of his friends to which he invited A.A. members to tell their stories ...  By the close of 1941 ... A.A. had become a national institution.” (Foreword To Second Edition)

And, this can be found in “The Lasker Award” (1951) in the back of the book:

“Historians may one day recognize Alcoholics Anonymous to have been a great venture in social pioneering which forged a new instrument for social action; a new therapy based on the kinship of common suffering; one having vast a potential for the myriad other ills of mankind.” (Appendix IV, Third Edition)

It would take pages to cover all of this, but notice two things:

1) “Historians may one day recognize Alcoholics Anonymous to have been” reveals the original was already “history” in 1951;

2) “Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power [to deliver], Thy Love [in provision], and Thy Way of life [in right fellowship and worship].” (from Step Three, page 63, and that is exactly what was done for the chosen witnesses ultimately delivered from Egypt)

Other than Scripture, there truly is no other book like “Alcoholics Anonymous”, and the “institution” that took its name from that book lost its copyright long ago!

You have written:

>> ... it was exciting for me to more fully understand that co-dependence is not negative when it is healthy.

Actually, our interdependence and its related instincts are *never* negative or unhealthy.  What is “unhealthy”, as such, is the selfish, self-centered and/or self-willed pursuit of satisfaction or fulfillment of our natural and benign instincts.

>> I do have some nagging questions ...
>> ...what would be best to do if and when [my ex’s wife] ever reaches out to me again?

Saying nothing whatsoever about your ex, try to help her understand a little about alcoholism and the alcoholic, share your own experience with coming into right fellowship and worship (The Steps), and offer to help her do the same.

>> Why do I sometimes wonder if he is blissfully happy with her?

There is no short answer to offer here, but that has to do with unsatisfied instincts in the sense that we all ultimately need to hear either “Well done!” or “Forgiven!”

>> ... my former's words hurt me.  Does he really hate me so much, or does he hate himself that much?

I would doubt he actually hates either you or himself.  Rather, he likely lashes out in fear or anger over his own instincts not being met to his personal satisfaction.

>> I hate how being around him, even for one minute, makes my stomach clench.

Although almost certainly for different reasons, I have the same kind of dilemma with my father.  Some of us are more vulnerable than others, and some wounds leave us disfigured or even disabled.

>> As I work on taming my tongue and practicing grace and forgiveness, what is most helpful for an alcoholic to hear?

“When a person [next offends, we say] to ourselves [only], ‘This is a sick man.  How can I be helpful to him?  G-d save me from being angry.  Thy will be done.’
“We avoid retaliation or argument.  We wouldn't treat sick people that way.  If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful.  We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least G-d will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.” (page 67)

If nothing good or helpful comes to mind, simply say nothing at all.

>> I guess I wrestle with insecurities.

Yes, and you are not alone there.  The bottom line here is to forget about the praises or criticisms that can come from mere men (human beings) and to learn to just do as we should.

>> Have you read the book "Under the Influence" ...?

No, and I do not recall ever hearing of it before now.

>> I found it interesting to read a little bit about (what this author believes is) the chemical and physiological changes that occur on a cellular level for people who are born alcoholic.

I would not have difficulty believing that kind of thing possible, and it makes sense to me that some healings might come about in a similar kind of way.

If you would like to hear a little elaboration on anything or if you have more questions, just ask.

Joseph Lee O.