Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 5/9/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hello Joseph. I came across this page out of desperation. I a, in a very intense relationship with a woman that has been sober two years. She has not finished her steps. I have lead a wild life and am coming out of a 7 year long marriage. I have been seperated for over a year now. This gal I am with is also a single mother. We fell deep in love and decided to start our own family.We have been friends since mid september and started dating mid january 08. The day she found out she was pregnant she started acting wierd.I felt the warmth through the awkwardness though and she always made me feel like I had nothing to worry about. She is also having trouble with a sick family member. She asked for time to think. I found it hard to give it to her. She is leaving for vacation today and was advised by a therapist to address our baby and wedding plans to her son's father by way of a letter. Now she is saying we went to fast and couldn't be ready. There is nothing to say to her that gets any ground. Is this common behavior of a recovered addict? Everything she says to me sounds like it is coming from a psychoanalytic stand point.

ANSWER: Greetings to you, Jason.

You have written:

>> Now she is saying we went to fast and couldn't be ready.
>> There is nothing to say to her that gets any ground.
>> Is this common behavior of a recovered addict?

Not necessarily, yet it is not uncommon for alcoholics and addicts to (as all people should) be cautioned against moving too fast.  And in my own experience, someone who has “not finished her steps” in two years but is nevertheless involved in an “intense relationship” has not been moving in the best direction all along.

You have written:

>> The day she found out she was pregnant she started acting weird.

Having not yet finished the Steps, she is still a bit like a rudderless ship and the reality of pregnancy has troubled her world of mere hopes and dreams.

>> She asked for time to think. I found it hard to give it to her.

The two of you are not in harmonious places as far as willingness and ability to commit are concerned.  As troubling as this might be, you are likely going to have to accept whatever she ultimately decides.

>> She is leaving for vacation today and was advised by a therapist to address our baby and wedding plans to her son's father by way of a letter.

I suppose there is nothing really wrong with that, but I would wonder why she would need to mention those things to him at all.

>> Everything she says to me sounds like it is coming from a psychoanalytic stand point.

In and of itself, psychoanalysis is benign.  Nothing is ever harmed by a simple analysis.  Problems get worse, however, and especially for the alcoholic or addict, when psycho-babble is then applied in place of spiritual transformation:

“... To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face.
“... we had to face the fact that we must find a spiritual basis of life - or else ...
“If a mere code of morals [as in religion] or a better philosophy of life [as from the psychoanalyst] were sufficient to overcome alcoholism [or addiction], many of us would have recovered long ago.  But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried.  We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn't there.  Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly.
“Lack of power, that was our dilemma.  We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, pages 44-45)

Overall, then, and while distinguishing between common and normal:

The behaviour you are presently experiencing is quite normal among people still living in this:

“Is [s/he] not a victim of the delusion that [s/he] can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if [s/he] only manages well?” (page 61)

“When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of G-d.  Our ideas did not work.  But the G-d idea did.” (page 52)

I hope this helps at least a little, and please know you are always welcomed to write again.

Joseph Lee O.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you very much for responding. Every bit of wisdom and perspective is appreciated. The only other thing I am concerned about is the fact that she wanted this life. She made me believe it, reassured me and made sure I was 100% willing. We both decided together for her to go off the pill.  I know that my own personal anxiety has at times irritated her. I do not play the victim here as I know I have contributed. Is it typical of a person in recovery to make drastic moves like this? Does it just sound like cold feet? I know that she stopped doing her steps when her old sponsor moved away a year ago. She just got a new one last week.
Thank you again for your time.
It is great to know people are out there.

Answer
Greetings again, Jason.

For me to get to the bottom of why the woman in question has taken her most-recent turn would require my talking with her a bit ... and of course, that is not likely to happen.  So-called “cold feet” can come along for various reasons, but the bottom line is always related to some combination of perspective and expectations in relation to a sense of personal security.  So then, it could be that she has for some reason become unsure of either or both of you in relation to whatever she might believe or fear about future challenges ... and I apologize for the ambiguity there.  Again, it would take talking with her to truly get down to whatever is actually going on inside her.

You have asked:

>> Is it typical of a person in recovery to make drastic moves like this?

Someone who has yet to fully recover from the delusion of believing, trying or even just hoping to successfully manage his or her own life could still be quite capable of just about anything.  Desperation can take on many forms.  Even with something as simple as tasting a new blend of coffee or tea for the first time, we can at times face the gauntlet of excitement, intimidation or even fear ... and we can end up pulling back at the last possible moment just because we do not already know the outcome.  Being a rock-solid man a woman can trust in the face of just about anything is a tremendous challenge, but therein lies the “secret”, as such, to offering to a woman the sense of security she inherently needs in order for her to be able to completely give herself as a helpmeet for her husband.  Those kinds of words sound disgustingly “sexist” in today’s world, but that is my own experience and understanding as gained through taking the Steps and learning to live as we were intended:

“This is the how and why of it.  First of all, we had to quit playing G-d [in our own lives as well as in the lives of others].  It didn't work.  Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, G-d was going to be our Director.  He is the Principal; we are His agents.  He is the Father, and we are His children.  Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.
“When we sincerely took such a position [and grew into it by taking the Steps], all sorts of remarkable things followed.  We had a new Employer.  Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well.  Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs.  More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life.  As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter.  We were reborn.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, pages 62-63)

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

You letters are always welcomed,

Joseph Lee O.