AboutClyde Expertise I can answer questions on the recovery from alcohol addiction as I am a recovering alcoholic with 14 years of sobriety. I can also address the spiritual aspects of the 12-Step program as I have a Master of Divinity degree.
Experience I am a recovering alcoholic with 14 years of continuous sobriety.
Education/Credentials Master of Divinity awarded in 2000 from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary
Expert: Clyde Date: 5/13/2008 Subject: Setting boudaries with problem-drinking husband
Question I've been married to my husband for almost one year, but we've been together for 8. We've always drank beer together, socially. In the year since we got married, his drinking has become worse...almost daily and usually more than a six pack (he only drinks beer). I used to drink with him often, but since I found out I was pregnant 3 months ago, I haven't had a drop. We always talked about how when we started a family that we'd cool it on the drinking. But I'm starting to think he's got a problem. I've held up my end of the bargain and he says he's trying (he's down to a six pack about 3 days/week, having more than six one day per week). I still think it's excessive and I'm finally seeing he may have a problem since he can't cut back more than he has. He is not abusive and he's never called in sick to work or even shown up late. I'm torn because i know he has cut back quite a bit, but I wish for him to make even more of an effort. He drinks alone which really bothers me. So I've started leaving the house when I know he has had or intends to have more than 6 beers. And I refuse to sleep in the same bed with him if he's had more than 6. I feel anxious around him and in my own house when I know he's had more to drink. In fact, when he does have more than 6, I get really cold and angry and tend to ignore him. I'd like to set healthy boundaries, rather than constantly telling him what i want him to do and always showing my anger. I've told him I'm okay with him drinking 6 beers a couple of nights a week, but I'm not happy with anything more frequent or more in quantity. I feel like I'm always angry with him and will soon really resent him. How can I set boundaries with him so that I can be happier and he knows that i'm serious about wanting him to change. Thanks!
Answer Leah,
Thank you for your question and some explanation of your concerns.
I can understand your consternation with him and his seemingly difficulty in cutting back on the drinking beer. My first inclination is to suggest that you have perhaps prejudged the seriousness of the drinking - at least in terms of his possibly being an alcoholic. I do not mean to imply you should not be miffed that he won't respect your request to cut back, just that until he decides he is an alcoholic ( or having a problem with it) then you will be creating frustration for yourself.
As far as setting healthy boundaries, yes, you have every right to do this. Those you have imposed as reasonable - leaving the house and sleeping somewhere else on the nights the drinking seems to be excessive. It appears that he has accepted the terms. I suggest that if this continues to bother you (setting the boundaries) it will require your coming to accept the situation without any guilt or anger. It really means that you will need to fashion this acceptance for yourself and become OK with it.
A second and perhaps a more important element often missed in setting boundaries is consistency. Set the boundaries and the consequences ( i.e. no romance, no sex, no partnering) on the nights that violations have occurred. If he is smart enough, he will begin to realize the drinking isn't worth it to lose the freedom to be with you when he wants.
