AboutJan Edward Williams Expertise all questions related to drug or alcohol addiction, except those requiring the expertise of a physician or those relating to mental health problems apart from addiction. See my web site: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com
Experience I have been working as a licensed addictions counselor for 29 years and am in recovery myself for 31 years
Organizations Licensed Clinical Professional Counselors Maryland
Maryland Addictions Professional Certification Board
Education/Credentials MS Counseling
Licensed Clinical Alcohol and Drug Counselor, Maryland
Expert: Jan Edward Williams Date: 5/13/2008 Subject: Setting boudaries with problem-drinking husband
Question I've been married to my husband for almost one year, but we've been together for 8. We've always drank beer together, socially. In the year since we got married, his drinking has become worse...almost daily and usually more than a six pack (he only drinks beer). I used to drink with him often, but since I found out I was pregnant 3 months ago, I haven't had a drop. We always talked about how when we started a family that we'd cool it on the drinking. But I'm starting to think he's got a problem. I've held up my end of the bargain and he says he's trying (he's down to a six pack about 3 days/week, having more than six one day per week). I still think it's excessive and I'm finally seeing he may have a problem since he can't cut back more than he has. He is not abusive and he's never called in sick to work or even shown up late. I'm torn because i know he has cut back quite a bit, but I wish for him to make even more of an effort. He drinks alone which really bothers me. So I've started leaving the house when I know he has had or intends to have more than 6 beers. And I refuse to sleep in the same bed with him if he's had more than 6. I feel anxious around him and in my own house when I know he's had more to drink. In fact, when he does have more than 6, I get really cold and angry and tend to ignore him. I'd like to set healthy boundaries, rather than constantly telling him what i want him to do and always showing my anger. I've told him I'm okay with him drinking 6 beers a couple of nights a week, but I'm not happy with anything more frequent or more in quantity. I feel like I'm always angry with him and will soon really resent him. How can I set boundaries with him so that I can be happier and he knows that i'm serious about wanting him to change. Thanks!
Answer Hello Leah,
Your question is a difficult one to answer. From an addiction diagnosis standpoint, we usually look for a pattern of behaviors that indicate ongoing drinking in the face of adverse consequences in significant areas of the drinker's life, plus indicators of loss of control: inability to stay stopped, inability to control amounts and/or frequency, and inability to drink without negative consequences. From the information you have supplied, your husband's drinking more than six beers (how many more and over what time frame?) even daily would probably be unhealthy eventually, but apparently not yet. There are some suggestions that alcohol may be too important in your husband's life: 1) he is not living up to the understanding you two had that you both would reduce your drinking when you became pregnant; 2) he has tried to cut back but has not been able to do so; 3) his drinking is causing tension in your relationship. I do not have enough to diagnose your husband an alcoholic, but can only say that if he did not have a problem, then why can he not drink socially, maybe 3-4 beers, 1-2 times a week? You say that there are no other negatives from his drinking other that the fact that you consider this amount inappropriate and in violation of the spirit of your pre-pregnancy agreement. I suggest seeing if he can agree that social, non-problematic drinking would consist of drinking on weekends no more that 3-4 beers or so over a 3-4 hour time frame, and see if he will agree to that limit and if he can do so. I do NOT consider withholding intimacy and punishing him to be effective strategies. Perhaps, if you put the matter to him as your being concerned about whether he has a problem and wanting him to get help if he cannot control his drinking, rather than trying to impose something on him, he may see the issue as one you and he can work on together.
