AboutJoseph Lee O. Expertise Greetings to you! Having permanently recovered from chronic alcoholism by “taking The Steps” the original A.A. way, I now understand what makes people “tick”. I can explain the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic’s inherent condition, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required in order to truly recover.
Beginning in 1981, I have spent a great amount of time studying “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, as if my very own life depended upon doing so, and it did, and I have spent nearly an equal amount of time listening and sharing in many thousands of fellowship meetings. I am often able to “read between the lines” and help others to see things not always immediately obvious, and I can usually draw from my own experience while tying everything back to the beginning of personal recovery: One-to-one sharing at Step One.
Experience The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had “no effective mental defense against the first drink” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 43), and I took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done: it had seemingly “fixed” something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning very much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that might ever come along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the risks of continuing to drink had become too glaring for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive the drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as I had in days past, but something had seemingly “taken over” my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while scared-to-death over the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said or thought or did even only “one day at a time”, I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I quit and stay sober for long at all ... and such is the physical “allergy” (where one drink takes another) coupled with the mental-emotional obsession for the soothing effect of alcohol that eventually kills most chronic alcoholics ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma – my powerlessness – and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I “could not drink even if [I] would” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
Expert: Joseph Lee O. Date: 5/13/2008 Subject: Setting boudaries with problem-drinking husband
Question I've been married to my husband for almost one year, but we've been together for 8. We've always drank beer together, socially. In the year since we got married, his drinking has become worse...almost daily and usually more than a six pack (he only drinks beer). I used to drink with him often, but since I found out I was pregnant 3 months ago, I haven't had a drop. We always talked about how when we started a family that we'd cool it on the drinking. But I'm starting to think he's got a problem. I've held up my end of the bargain and he says he's trying (he's down to a six pack about 3 days/week, having more than six one day per week). I still think it's excessive and I'm finally seeing he may have a problem since he can't cut back more than he has. He is not abusive and he's never called in sick to work or even shown up late. I'm torn because i know he has cut back quite a bit, but I wish for him to make even more of an effort. He drinks alone which really bothers me. So I've started leaving the house when I know he has had or intends to have more than 6 beers. And I refuse to sleep in the same bed with him if he's had more than 6. I feel anxious around him and in my own house when I know he's had more to drink. In fact, when he does have more than 6, I get really cold and angry and tend to ignore him. I'd like to set healthy boundaries, rather than constantly telling him what i want him to do and always showing my anger. I've told him I'm okay with him drinking 6 beers a couple of nights a week, but I'm not happy with anything more frequent or more in quantity. I feel like I'm always angry with him and will soon really resent him. How can I set boundaries with him so that I can be happier and he knows that i'm serious about wanting him to change. Thanks!
Answer Greetings to you, Leah.
Offering advice or suggestions as to “setting boundaries” is something I seldom do, but I do believe I still might be able to help you a bit along the line of adding some perspective as you try to decide how to deal with your situation.
You have written:
>> In the year since we got married, his drinking has become worse...almost daily and usually more than a six pack (he only drinks beer).
It might be a bit early to know for sure, but it is at least possible you are now beginning to notice an ever-increasing progression into alcoholism. Overall, here is a basic description of alcoholic behaviour:
“[Alcoholic men] and women drink essentially because they like [and cannot imagine living without] the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they [might] admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life [trying to sustain the comforting effect] seems the only normal one. [While sober, they] are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks - drinks which they see others taking with impunity [or ‘not going out-of-control’]. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of [a physical craving for more alcohol eventually] develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over [or ‘becomes chronic’], and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.” (Dr. William D. Silkworth in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book)
So then, your husband’s beginning to drink more often could be evidence of an ever-growing need for something to make him feel the way he believes he should be able to feel, and his increasing amounts when he drinks could be evidence of the development of some abnormal body chemistry that will eventually “take over” whenever he drinks and cause him to drink for more than even he might actually want or mean to drink. Alcoholism is a two-fold condition: 1) a mental obsession for the effect of a few; 2) a physical factor that makes one drink too many and a thousand not enough. And as the doctor has said, it takes “an entire psychic change” or “spiritual experience” to be rid of the obsession for any alcohol at all, and that kind of transformation can make the physical factor a moot point.
>> I used to drink with him often, but since I found out I was pregnant 3 months ago, I haven't had a drop.
If your husband is an alcoholic, he could *not* do that even if he wanted to:
“Many of us felt that we had plenty of character. There was a tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found it impossible. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 34)
>> We always talked about how when we started a family that we'd cool it on the drinking. But I'm starting to think he's got a problem.
You might be correct, and if so, you really need to begin learning about the actual details of that problem and about your husband’s “utter inability” (as just above) to do anything about it himself. Beginning with the chapter “To Wives”, here is the very best information you will ever find on the matter: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
>> ... he says he's trying ... and I'm finally seeing he may have a problem since he can't cut back more than he has.
Yes, that is very possible, and you might be just the one to very carefully, slowly and patiently help him come to learn and understand that about himself.
>> I'm torn because I know he has cut back quite a bit, but I wish for him to make even more of an effort.
That is fine as long as you understand the *only* possible outcome if he actually is an alcoholic: finding out he *cannot* cut back and maintain any level of “normal drinking” no matter how hard he might try.
>> He drinks alone which really bothers me.
Yes, and it is very possible he does that because he is beginning to believe he is in some kind of strange “category of one”, all by himself. He is wanting and trying to be responsible, yet he might already be well on his way here:
“He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.” (page 152)
>> I've started leaving the house when I know he has had or intends to have more than 6 beers. And I refuse to sleep in the same bed with him if he's had more than 6 ... I get really cold and angry and tend to ignore him.
Those are certainly your prerogatives, but those kinds of things are actually quite likely to drive him ever closer to the bottle. You do not have to find his drinking acceptable, but you dare not also reject *him* if you would like to try to help him either now or in the future.
>> I feel anxious around him and in my own house when I know he's had more to drink.
That is understandable, and I believe your coming to understand alcoholism and what it takes to recover could be helpful to you at least in the sense that you have come to understand there really is a problem that actually has a name and is one that can truly be solved.
>> I'd like to set healthy boundaries ...
Other than helping both of you see he could not possibly stay within them, there would be no point.
>> ... rather than constantly telling him what I want him to do and always showing my anger.
I understand, and it will be helpful when each of you understands your individual powerlessness over his drinking. At that point, you can be angry about the affliction rather than at the afflicted.
>> I've told him I'm okay with him drinking 6 beers a couple of nights a week, but I'm not happy with anything more frequent or more in quantity.
That is fine, and he has heard you. Now begin to understand he has no power or ability to satisfy those kinds of desires even if they are his own.
>> I feel like I'm always angry with him and will soon really resent him.
You would likely not feel the same way if he had cancer ... and now consider this:
“An illness of this sort - and we have come to believe it an illness - involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can. If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt. But no so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while in life. It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents - anyone can increase the list.
“We hope this volume will inform and comfort those who are, or who may be affected. There are many.” (page 18)
>> How can I set boundaries with him so that I can be happier ...
You cannot.
>> ... and he knows that I’m serious about wanting him to change.
He already knows, and if he is an alcoholic, there is absolutely nothing he can do to bring that about. So then, and while offering to help all along the way, I am suggesting you begin in the chapter “To Wives” and try to be helpful to your husband.
Peace to you, and please know you are always welcomed to write.
