AboutDruideck Expertise All questions are important,
I have over 22 years of personal experience with alcoholism and recovery issues.
Advanced Counsellor Training / Experience with treatment and AA.
Experience Over 22 years of recovery from alcoholism.
Counsellor in an alcohol outpatient office.
Experience as client and as counsellor in treatment center.
Expert: Druideck Date: 5/13/2008 Subject: Setting boudaries with problem-drinking husband
Question I've been married to my husband for almost one year, but we've been together for 8. We've always drank beer together, socially. In the year since we got married, his drinking has become worse...almost daily and usually more than a six pack (he only drinks beer). I used to drink with him often, but since I found out I was pregnant 3 months ago, I haven't had a drop. We always talked about how when we started a family that we'd cool it on the drinking. But I'm starting to think he's got a problem. I've held up my end of the bargain and he says he's trying (he's down to a six pack about 3 days/week, having more than six one day per week). I still think it's excessive and I'm finally seeing he may have a problem since he can't cut back more than he has. He is not abusive and he's never called in sick to work or even shown up late. I'm torn because i know he has cut back quite a bit, but I wish for him to make even more of an effort. He drinks alone which really bothers me. So I've started leaving the house when I know he has had or intends to have more than 6 beers. And I refuse to sleep in the same bed with him if he's had more than 6. I feel anxious around him and in my own house when I know he's had more to drink. In fact, when he does have more than 6, I get really cold and angry and tend to ignore him. I'd like to set healthy boundaries, rather than constantly telling him what i want him to do and always showing my anger. I've told him I'm okay with him drinking 6 beers a couple of nights a week, but I'm not happy with anything more frequent or more in quantity. I feel like I'm always angry with him and will soon really resent him. How can I set boundaries with him so that I can be happier and he knows that i'm serious about wanting him to change. Thanks!
Answer Leah,
your behaviours are all in reaction to
what might be an addictive process
in your husband.
Trying to control this is like trying to
stop a tornado with threats, demands
and passive aggressive acts like the
"cold shoulder" These demands will not
be met.
Ultimately we can not force other people
to change unless they decide to.
Things you can do are:
-get some feedback from Al-Anon
the group for families of drinkers.
-Get your husband some information
on alcohol abuse including AA.
-Ask your husband to go with or
without you to an alcohol counsellor
for an assessment of his possible problem.
-There are some questionairres online
for testing yourself for alcoholism.
The bottom line is:
you have to decide how far you
are willing to go as threats
and complaining will only
give him more reason to
drink. Everytime you react
badly to him he is in control.
He can use your behaviour
as an excuse as to why he
is drinking.
It may eventually turn
into a game of blaming
each other.
Anybody that has problems
in their family and can't stop drinking
has a drinking problem.
Drinking should not be more important
than your relationship.
He may quit or he may not.
you have to decide how far you will
go to help and stick with your decisions
and your ultimatums but be fair until
you see he can not stop and
needs external help.
Alcoholism is an illness that
affects the mental, physical,
emotional and spiritual parts
of a person. He may reach the
point where he can't stop
without help and can not
respond to your desires for
him to change.
