Expert: Clyde - 5/22/2008

Question
Hi Clyde.... my mother has always been a heavy drinker, and particularly
through my childhood and teenage years she was very unhappy and drank
alot - she was mentally and verbally abusive to me, a real mean drunk. I left
home at 16 to escape and she carried on the mean drunk stuff on the phone
at certain times, criticising what i was doing with my life and basic
dissaproval and abuse.  At 27 I confronted her and vowed i would not speak
to her by phone after 6pm at night because i would be talking to 'the witch',
not my Mother and it just hurt too much. The whole family ( we are 6 kids,
mum and dad) ex-communicated me for a year claiming i was too harsh on
her and pleading sympathy on her behalf. Eventually she wrote me a letter
apologising for her behaviour and explaining she was under stress.  She also
said she had cut back alot on the grog.   But it still seems alot to me.  She
stayed with us recently and drank 4 x 750ml bottles of spirits in one
week..this seems alot for a nearly 70 yr old woman...or for anyone.  I cant
imagine Mum ever going a night without a drink, and i have noticed beer-
o'clock has gotten earlier. I myself started destructive binge drinking at 13
and ceased this behaviour just last year ( am am now 33).  I visited my family
last week for a reunion and my Mother's drink o'clock was around 2pm each
day - it used to be about 4 or 5pm.  i felt the old dissapointment that she had
to have a drink...  She was a nasty drunk this time, and not for a few years
have i experienced this, since I confronted her.  She targeted me for some
verbal abuse - swearing, criticism and ridiculing.  I am 4 months pregnant
and for the first time since 13, am not drinking along with her.  Maybe this is
why I copped it.  I spent the week feeling like a veil of denial had lifted, and I
was absolutely shocked with her behaviour - I spent the week feeling
incredibly sad and expressed alot of grief in private.  When sober, she
oscilated between the Mother I love - soft, gentle and maternal, and an
agitated, confused person who couldnt seem to solve simple problems and
whose anxiety was at a peak.  It seems no one in our family talks, or wants to
talk about it.  I am the youngest, the oldest being 45... I spoke to a couple of
sisters who down played it with excuses for her.  When she is sober its like
she has no idea what happened the night before.  Her GP wants to speak to
her as some liver blood tests have come back not good, and she told him she
only has 2 drinks a day - its like she honestly believes this to be true.  In my
own mind i find myself thinking ' maybe she drank heaps because she was on
holiday, was stressed etc etc etc' but i was completely devastated by her
behaviour last week..and my husband was quite shocked also...so i was hard
to tell myself I had imagined it, or was being dramatic.  I suppose i am co
dependent with her because i feel torn between not wanting to believe she is
alcoholic and knowing that its true.  This also explains alot of my adult and
teen behaviours, and i see that she was my original model of abuse from
which all subsequent relationships came.  I feel confused because i love her at
some base level, but I also despise her for the abuse she has bestowed on me
- then of course feel guilt at hating her.   Im also angry at the other family
members for putting their heads in the sand.  They label me 'over sensitive'
however I feel I am picking up on a truth that the family is trying to hide.  Im
not sure what I am asking - perhaps for you to confirm she has a problem -
perhaps to ask if the feelings I have and the behaviours she displays are
maybe 'normal ' of an alcoholic, or a co-dependent.  It feels like in a room
full of people there's the huge white elephant and im screaming out that its
there, and my siblings keen telling me Im imagining it.. forgot to
mention...my Dad told me he was leaving her earlier this year as her drinking
was so bad and he couldnt stand the abuse - he never did leave her.  They
are to stay with us ( they live interstate) after our baby is born and i want my
soft mother, but i am anxious the mean witch will also show up after dark..
and I really dont want that..Perhaps my Dad will be open to talking about
managing it....any response would be great..thankyou and i apologise if this
email is rambling.. i am truly confused at present !   Thanks..Bec

Answer
Bec,
    Thank you for your story and for your questions.   You are dead on with the assessment of your mother's behavior; dead on about the denial of your siblings; dead on with your description of her actions when sober and when drunk.
     The family of an alcoholic is sick also.  The drinker not only affects themselves with their drinking but all who come in contact with them.  You appear to have come out from under this veil of denial and secret-keeping from which many alcoholic families will never recover.
     Be thankful for your seeing the damage alcohol can have on a person.  You fell into drinking, partly because it became a coping mechanism for you as a child and perhaps partly because it is believed by some experts to be a genetically based affliction.  You have changed your behaviors and have made a new life for yourself. I applaud that change in your life.

     As far as your mother, well, there is not much you can do about her drinking.  At 70 she is well entrenched in that habit so don't expect it to change anytime to soon.  Until she becomes willing to really look at her behavior and see the changes that  alcohol causes (i. e. the sweet, loving mother and the "witch") she will continue to do what she has done for all these many years.

      Your siblings have found their coping mechanisms as well. One primary coping mechanism is always associated with denial and acceptance of poor behaviors because they are simply powerless and can not see any way to make things different.  It makes a person like you go nuts because they put up with it and act as if nothing is wrong.

      That is the power of groups such as Alanon, the groups established for families and friends of alcoholics - it provides a group of people who know what you are thinking and feeling and a place where you can "vent" the anger and the frustration you are feeling.

      I would suggest that you might check into some of these groups in your area and attend some meetings.  Meet some of the people and build relationships with these persons.  They will be instrumental in helping you deal with the drinkers in your family and assist you in making decisions about how to set boundaries with them in the future.

      I feel for your situation and hope that this little affirmation of your feelings and intuition helps.

    Grace and Peace,
    Clyde