Expert: Clyde - 5/28/2008

Question
Hi. I have been abusing alcohol for several years.  Recently I got a DUI, which I always told myself that would be my bottom line: If I got a DUI, I would quit drinking.  That did not happen, and I know I have a problem and need help.  I have tried to quit and cut down on my own in the past with no success.  I realize that getting this DUI has been a wake up call and that I need outside help.  The problem is my husband, who I love dearly and know he loves me, is not supportive of this conclusion.  He thinks I should be able to quit on my own and that I don't need outside help to conquer this problem. We have two young children who do not know about my drinking problem.  My husband feels that going to treatment will force them to know about what's going on, plus let other family members what's going on and that it will be a huge embarrassment to us all.  I understand his viewpoint, but feel like I have no other options.  I would love to be able to quit on my own, but that just isn't happening.  I have even tried going to AA meetings, and have gone 12 days without drinking, only to end up drinking again.  Personally, I think it would be good for me to go into an inpatient program for 2 - 3 weeks and get the tools I need to stay sober.  My medical insurance is very good and would pay for 1 month of inpatient treatment.  My husband feels like this would be a huge burden trying to figure out childcare, etc, and that it is not necessary.  I work full time and go to school so I feel that outpatient would just add more commitments to my days and that it would be very hard to come home and not want to drink.
Please let me know what you think.
Thanks so much.

Answer
Rebecca,
    Thank you for contacting AllExperts.com about your situation and your candor.

    The thing that is most difficult for people who are not alcoholics to understand is that alcoholism is a disease and not a moral question.  It is not something shameful and embarrassing.  It is like contracting a deadly disease or cancer and seeking outside help is what any intelligent person would do in that case. It is the same for alcoholism.  It is a malady that we say is an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind.

   That malady is not easily arrested if we do not have tools with which to get the job done.  Treatment facilities and, ultimately attending AA meetings, are such tools and resources.  We must learn from others who have overcome the malady "one day at a time" and we must have their continued support as we relearn (or learn for the first time) how to live on a daily basis.

   It sounds as if you are at the point in your drinking career that you want this beast removed from your live.  Good for you and maintain that commitment to yourself.  Your drinking will only escalate as you question the reasons you can not put down the bottle.

   Although you must arrest this beast for yourself, we do suspect that their is a genetic or predisposition to become an alcoholic.  Perhaps you can trace alcoholism back in your family or origin.  Your children could be predisposed and your getting help now might just be the ticket to their long term health.  If you gather every sober moment you can as they grow up, when they find themselves being tempted by peers to indulge, you  might just have planted the seed  in their minds that they won't start.

   I know your husband has all sorts of possible reasons why he is trying to convince you that you do not need help.  I tried for twenty years to stop on my own and to no avail.  It has been 14 wonderful years that I have not had the need to take up a drink and I am thankful I did it for myself - got sober!

    My suggestion to you is this - make one final appeal to him for help in getting this accomplished now.  If he refuses, then make the necessary arrangements to enter inpatient (at least 30 days) treatment and then let him know you are there.  He will have to deal with the change in lifestyle for this period of time.  You need the time to concentrate on your recovery and you need the support of people who care and know that alcoholism has one aim in your life - to kill you.

    Deal with the aftermath of the decision as it comes about - your husband may not be your husband after you sober up, he may not be the one for you to continue in life living sober, who knows.  There is a good movie you could watch if you have not already seen it - "When a Man Loves A Woman".  It deals with this exact same situation. It is powerful.  It is an old movie but I would recommend you leave a copy for him to watch as you get the help you want.

    I wish you all the best and I will keep you in my prayers.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde