AboutClyde Expertise I can answer questions on the recovery from alcohol addiction as I am a recovering alcoholic with 14 years of sobriety. I can also address the spiritual aspects of the 12-Step program as I have a Master of Divinity degree.
Experience I am a recovering alcoholic with 14 years of continuous sobriety.
Education/Credentials Master of Divinity awarded in 2000 from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary
Expert: Clyde Date: 5/28/2008 Subject: boundaries in relationships
Question QUESTION: Hi, My husband and I have a dear friend who we are concerned about. We first suspected he was an alcoholic after taking a few vacation trips together and we witnessed his excessive drinking. After several years and many other incidents of casual drinking with us that turned verbally abusive on his part, I confronted him and asked if he thought he could have a drinking problem. He denied it at first - but many months later admitted that he definitely struggled with restraint once he opens the first beer. He is often combative and mean/foul mouthed when he is drinking as he will start an argument over the dumbest things. He says things when he is drunk like "you are over weight so you have addictions too and are judging me". He will even taunt me calling me 'fatty' (I am 40 lbs over weight), or be rude to my husband. We know is he drunk but he thinks "sorry" makes it ok. If we don’t talk to him after his drunk/hateful episodes, he sees this as rejecting and punishing him. He does apologize when he is sober, but the cycle continues. What should we do? How do we set boundaries for our friendship and his drinking without rejecting him? He has gone to AA a few times but never sticks with it. We love him and want to do the right thing. We know we can not "make" him better.
ANSWER: Rebecca,
Thank you for the questions and for explaining some of the situation.
Boundaries is the word for this. And you must set them. He has been to AA so he knows something of the changes that are required in order to get sober. It is not easy and that is why he does not keep with it.
The boundaries need to be set as lovingly as possible but they must be firm enough to let him know there are consequences for his actions. I suggest that you begin by saying that no demeaning and offensive remarks will be tolerated, period! Drinking or no drinking. It is not acceptable any longer. Let him know that you and your husband will adhere to the same rules - no rude or offensive comments.
Too many times we just accept to many bad behaviors and think that they are not that bad but left long enough in our relationships we see how really sick they really are. All people need to self-check daily, if not hourly for their own behaviors.
Let him know you love him and you care for him but you also have self-respect. You will not compromise your self-respect nor your integrity any longer.
Bottom line, he may not accept these new rules and it will be necessary that he no longer be considered a friend. That will be a grief that you will have to work through, sad as it may sound, but it is the best thing for your sanity and continued happiness.
Hope this helps and sorry for the delay in getting back to you on your questions.
Grace and Peace,
Clyde
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks so much for your kind response. I have since had a heart with our friend who was sober (and very sorry) when we talked. I was firm but tender when I told him that while I can not change him - I can change what I tolerate and how it affects ME as a person. I want to be kind and loving and encouraging and prayerful for his addiction - not a argumentive friend who gets caught up in the hateful words he is saying. (I know when he says mean things - he is just covering up his own behavior - and trying to water down his own addiction that sucks us in.) I told him that hateful abusive words will NO longer be tolerated, and our relationship will only go forward as long as he is seeking sobriety. Of course he is hurt and feels rejected - but he understands that he needs help and our relationship can not be healthy as long as he makes the choices he is making. He feels like he has to be perfect - never fail before we can be friends and that I am trying to control/mother him. In our last conversation he said "I dont think I can beat this, and I need yall in my court while I walk this out." I encouraged him to get back in AA - or go to an out patient facility - anything!!! He says he is going to start again and call a guy he met in AA so they can talk. Where do I go from here? How can we best support him now? Do we give him the chance to work it through or send him on his way and leave him be? We are like family since his family is distant and not around. He lives alone and drinks at home alone. Thanks again,
Rebecca
Answer Rebecca,
Thank you for the follow-up and thank you for doing the tough work of confronting him with boundaries. That is a good thing.
There are a number of things you can do for him. 1') Get a copy of the Big Book and read it - especially the first 164 pages. Let him know you have done this and you are willing to support him AS HE MAKES ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS HIS PRIORITY. I say that because you can not help him like another recovering alcoholic can. Your interest in the Big Book is only to show your concern for knowing more about what he is up against.
2.) Go to some open meetings with him - these are meetings in which persons who are alcoholics are willing to share on a topic or tell their story while non-alcoholics are in attendance. Most meetings are closed meaning that only alcoholics are allowed to attend thus preventing the "shame" factor from hurting newly recovering people.
These are ways that you can show support and love as he makes the personal effort at sobering up. Once he decides to stop drinking it is intended to be for life but done "one day at a time." I know you do not want to throw away this fellow but if these ways of support are not enough to patch up the friendship then it will have to end for his sake - he must learn to stand on his own two feet.
Blessings on you for your continued concern for your friend.
