Expert: Clyde - 5/24/2008

Question
QUESTION: I have been with my boy friend about 2 years, I knew him when he was already a alcoholic, he used to drink like a fish, till last week he decided getting help and he is current having a rehab treatment, we both love each others deeply, romantic and intimate, my question is after he is recovered, is it possible will effect our relationship or his personality be changed, for example: he will not care about our relationship much as before and having problem with intimacy, or he won't love me much as before, I am afraid it will happen to me, I am very worried about it. please tell me if there is a big possibility it will happen.

ANSWER: Sandy,
    Thank you for your questions. They are very valid and I can understand the fear you feel.

    The important thing is that you are reaching out for some experience, strength and hope for yourself and not letting this fear eat you alive from the inside out.  The fear is real but not very rational.

    Let me explain - alcohol is not a good substance for someone to be ingesting "like a fish."  He has recognized that he does not like what he sees in himself and is getting help for his dependence on alcohol.  This does not mean he is an alcoholic, just that he is concerned and wants to turn things around.  That is a good thing and a thing his closest intimates can appreciate.  Right now, you are caught between wanting what is best for him but experiencing some fear in yourself.  That is all perfectly normal.

     The simple answer to your questions about change is yes, he could be an altered personality and have some changes in his affections.  But that does not say that they will be negative towards his relationship with you or in his personality.  It most probably will mean positives are on the way for both of you.  Think of it this way, on drugs or alcohol no one can be fully present for a relationship but when one is clearheaded and sober they can be 100% there in the intimacy of togetherness.  That is a blessing to be hoped for but not expected.

     I see the concept of hope and expectations as two distinctly different things - hope means I can look for the best and be so grateful for what is possible, whereas expectations set me up for disappointment because I may not get what I think I want.  

     It will depend on how deeply he feels he wants to delve into his psyche - what makes him tick.  Depending on how long and hard he has drank, he may have lost his "real" self and will need to recover and discover many things about himself.  It says nothing about you but it may be hard for you to believe that he will remain committed to the relationship.

    Here is what you can do.  Remain as confident as you can in who you are; let him know you are there to support him and you will do whatever he needs as he enters this new era of his life - sobriety; try as best you can not to pressure him for answers to these questions regarding his feelings about the relationship but be willing to listen when he wants to share with you; then, remain loving and kind no matter where that discussion may go.  He may need space to explore and to think but don't assume that this portends the worst.  It just means he is finding out some things.

    In the end, a loving, caring partner would want the very best for him and his newfound sobriety even if it means loss of a relationship because of what he discovers about himself.  It would mean pain for you but joy for him as a sober person.

    I began by saying that all this is not very rational.  It may never happen.  But keep expressing your fears to trusted confidantes and friends to air them out of your own head.  That way you are being honest about how you are feeling.

    I hope this helps and keep in touch as the blessing continues.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Clyde

Thank you for your answers, I really appreciate

The problem is we are in long distance relationship, and I can not visit him at this moment, he has a roommate who is my boy friend's best friend, he visits him every day, even now his roommate away from his city for a weekend, his roommate is allowed to call him every day during this week, what I knew is he can only receive one phone call for a day. Yesterday I called him, he did not even feel excited when he heard my voice (I have not talked to him since he went to the rehab, exactly a week ago), and he said to me, "you not suppose to call me, you gonna get me in trouble, and I will lose my privilege, I am not allowed to take call or call out at this moment, I hope you understand, I love you and I do not want to upset". earlier I talked to his roommate over the phone and I found his roommate call him every day, actually he knew his roommate almost 12 years, he is the friend very close to my boy friend's family. my question is why he does not even let me call him once a week instead his roommate call him that day? he seems not really care how I feel, and it is no big deal to him, that is why I am feeling fear, in this situation I believe most of the lovers will be happy when he heard his love one's voice since they have not talked for a week. I am now still concerning what he is doing, should I let this relationship go? I am very confused.

once again thank your answers and advice

ANSWER: Sandy,
    Thank you for the follow-up and the additional information.

    Your friend evidently has a close relationship with this roommate and that is good.  We all need those relationships (opposite sex and same sex) that are truly our "bosom buddies."  It is not a concept for this situation for which you should worry.  As a matter of fact, it is to be applauded.

    Now, the crux of your concern -  you are fearful of two things, 1.) why won't he share this with me?; and 2.) What are they saying between the two of them (is it about me?)

   You are too close to the situation, you are too intimate of a relationship for him right now.  Perhaps there are some regrets or guilt that he feels about how he has treated you.  He is confused as well.  If you can muster the courage to look on the good things in your relationship and remember those during this time of rehab, then you will focus on the solution for him and not add to his problems.  I do know that the rehab folks restrict calls so that he person concentrates on themselves and leaves all the world outside.  It is important.  I am surprised that they even allow the one call.  Most facilities which I have been familiar with will only allow a sponsor from a 12-step group contact the person.  Here again it is for the benefit of the recovering person.  It is not intended to cause you fear.

   Not knowing your relationship with this guy, I can not say what he is thinking or feeling.  It will be a little uncomfortable for a while for both of you.  Try and listen to what he is asking of you and do it to the best of your ability.  Do all you can not to pry or interfere.

   I know this is not what you want to hear.  But it is the best thing right now.  I say right now because you do not know the outcome nor does he.  You need not leave this relationship nor think in that direction unless you yourself know of some past abuse or extreme behaviors that were not, and are not, acceptable.

   Once again, it is normal for you to be feeling the fear of the future.  You'd probably like to be invisible and walk through the walls of his room so you'd be able to listen to his every thought but it is not practical.

    Chances are he will return to you a new man and a new relationship better than before.  Then, again, only he knows that.

    Hope this helps. and stay in touch.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Clyde again thanks for the answers of my follow up

I am not fearful of those things you mentioned above, I am sorry to tell you that, I just try to be honest to you.

I did not mean I am not happy because he does not share with me, what I am still questioning myself is since I am his girl friend and we have already engaged and I am already his fiancee why he knew that I care of him and he ignored me, it does not make sense at all for a couple and soon later they will be married, opposite, and I am the person not allowed to call him. Also I have never worried about what they saying and never thought they would talk about me, the situation what I am face now it is very painful to me. last year I was poisoned and I was in hospital for a couple days, and I was always hoping to hear his voice, and he did as well, he wanted to know how I was doing and if I feeling better..etc, that is normal to any two loves like us, I was so glad to have him care of me, and he was so happy doing that for me, but now is his term and he is not willing to take any call from me, I am his fiancee but not allowed to talk with him and know about how he is going for this rehab treatment? I really do not know what he is expecting from me.

As what you mentioned above "Perhaps there are some regrets or guilt that he feels about how he has treated you", I think the person confuse should be me not him.

As above, you said "Try and listen to what he is asking of you and do it to the best of your ability.  Do all you can not to pry or interfere.", I totally agree what you said, the problem is I do not even have an opportunity to talk with him, it does not matter I am either will to do the best for him or not, the face is I do not have an opportunity to talk with him, therefor I will never be asked and have nothing to do for him.

I am sorry about what I have told you above, I did not intentionally debate with you, I just want you understand more about both of us since you are so nice to help me out.
What you mentioned above "you do not know the outcome nor does he.  You need not leave this relationship nor think in that direction unless you yourself know of some past abuse or extreme behaviors that were not, and are not, acceptable". I am thinking to call him and ask him for the truth, it comes worse to worse I will let him know I will give up the relationship, do you know how I feel now? I do not feel he still in love with me and I am not important to him any more, and I do not feel I am his girl friend any more.

Answer
Sandy,
    Thank you for continuing this conversation and your sharing has helped me understand more about the situation.  I do not judge or take offense at any thing you have said, I am merely hoping to be helpful in giving you some observations.

    If I understand correctly when you wrote 'As what you mentioned above "Perhaps there are some regrets or guilt that he feels about how he has treated you", I think the person confuse should be me not him.", it would seem you are indicating you have some guilt or regrets about how you may have treated him.  Am I correct?  If I am, then that is something that will lie ahead in this recovery - for you to be able to make up for that.  It may or may not be a factor in his not wanting to be contacted by you.  Only he knows.

   I know how incredibly hurt you must feel wanting to have him reach out right now and embrace your concern and love for him.  But that is not the way it is.  Acceptance is what is called for in this case, as difficult as it may be to comprehend.

   A call to him may provoke an undesirable reaction, it may cause him to lean towards breaking off with you.  Only he can say.  If you are willing to take that risk then make the call.

   I have him and you in my prayers as you both go through this time of separation as he seeks recovery.

   I hope this helps.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde