Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 5/28/2008

Question
Hi:
My partner who I have been together with since I was 17 were are now 40 insists that he wishes to drink every weekend I have allowed him to but worry about his health and also he is getting more drunk then he ever has and over the last year I have had enough of him coming in at 2 or 3 in a morning as I find that I cannot sleep and I am trying to complete a doctor degree course. Sometimes as he knows I do not agree he should drink Friday,Saturday and Sunday he will be doing a job on the house and will just disappear I know where he has gone but I always still think something else happended if you know what I mean he then rolls in again at 3am in the morning. He says that he wants to change and loves me will change only that he will spend a little less time but still has to go. His argument is that he has always gone for a pint on the weekend and his friends do to he has different friends the
ones in the pub. Now he is blaming me saying that he has always done this that he works hard all week pays all the bills including mine so on the weekend he likes to drink. I think he has a drink problem I would be happier if he would do his drinking once of twice in a month but every weekend is too much. Does he have a problem. We are fighting on the weekend over this and I have also driven my friends away as they are sick of seeing me unhappy over this I sent a text to him in the pub saying what a drunken idiot he was and this text by mistake landed in my friends inbox and since then I have had a hurtful silence from friends and family over this. My sister said that the problem is 50-50, he is paying the bills for me at uni so that’s why I stay, this is not true I’ve always paid my way he just earns more than I, I hope I will earn again when I pass the course in another year. I feel very low and isolated with this problem and like no one cares but I also know its my problem. I love him I want this to work but it seems a no win situation he simply does not want to change or cannot its seems its doomed I don’t know where to turn can you shed some light for me on this issue and how things are from your perspective of the situation  

Answer
Greetings to you, EmmaKatlin.

As you might already know, people drink for all kinds of reasons.  Some people only drink to be social when others around them are drinking, and they usually only drink just a little because they want to avoid the uneasy, out-of-control feeling they get if they drink too much.  There are other people who actually enjoy a “warm and fuzzy” kind of feeling they get from a few drinks, but they also always only drink a limited amount and only drink at appropriate times.

I do not know whether your partner is actually an alcoholic, but he apparently enjoys the effect he gets, and drinking seems to be a priority in his life.

You have written:

>> He says he wants to change and ... he will spend a little less time but still has to go.
>> His argument is that he has always gone for a pint ... his friends do too.

Personally, I would not fault him for wanting to have a weekly pint with his friends, but I would share with him that some people (such as myself) eventually develop an abnormal body chemistry that can make that kind of drinking virtually impossible:

“... what about the real alcoholic?  He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 21)

The problem there has to do with alcohol finding its way into the brains of certain people where it can physically demand more alcohol.  That happens to some alcoholics the very first time they ever take a drink, but others find it happening and creeping up on them slowly over time.  Here is a simple “test” he might be willing to try in order to prove the matter one way or the other:

“We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself.  Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking.  Try to drink [just one or two pints] and stop abruptly [for at least twenty-four hours].  Try it more than once [on different days].  It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it.  It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition.” (pages 31-32)

You have written:

>> Now he is blaming me saying he has always done this that he works hard all week pays all the bills including mine so ... he likes to drink.

Some drinkers have all kinds of ways to try to justify their drinking, and there is nothing to be gained either by arguing or trying to reason with him about his drinking.  For just as long as he has a desire to drink, and for just as long as he believes he can still drink without losing control, he is likely going to do just as he pleases.

>> I think he has a drink problem ...

You might be correct, but he will nevertheless likely have to feel the pain for himself before he even begins to consider that possibility.

>> I would be happier if he would do his drinking once of twice in a month ...
>> Does he have a problem?

You might quietly, caringly and carefully suggest he try the “test” I have mentioned, but not until after you have read the chapter “To Wives” here:

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

You might tell him you actually hope he does not have a problem and that you would like to see him always be able to drink safely, and that you are telling him a little about some things you have read just so both of you can be sure.

>> I sent a text to him in the pub saying what a drunken idiot he was ...

Bad idea!  If he was sick with the flu, would you call him a puking idiot?!  If he is an alcoholic, he has already lost his power of choice in anything related to alcohol.

>> My sister said that the problem is 50-50 ...

However true or false that might actually be, now is the time for you to begin learning about dealing with possible alcoholism.

>> I feel very low and isolated with this problem and like no one cares ...

Actually, most people simply do not understand.  And in some cases, they gladly join in on the self-pity party to help try to justify or excuse even their own behaviours.  Have you ever seen “The Poseidon Adventure”?  While I do hope this does not happen to you, it is at least possible you might end up having to turn and walk away from many others who either cannot or will not hear the truth and do what is necessary to survive.

>> I love him I want this to work ...

Again, please read at least the chapter “To Wives” in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book.

>> ... but it seems a no win situation he simply does not want to change or cannot ...

If he is an alcoholic, he cannot change himself ... yet he can be “changed” (spiritually transformed) if he ever gets to the point of wanting to recover.

Please know you are always welcomed to write,

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
Forum: http://xsorbit28.com/users5/restored/ (new)