AboutJan Edward Williams Expertise all questions related to drug or alcohol addiction, except those requiring the expertise of a physician or those relating to mental health problems apart from addiction. See my web site: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com
Experience I have been working as a licensed addictions counselor for 28 years and am in recovery myself for 30 years
Organizations Licensed Clinical Professional Counselors Maryland
Maryland Addictions Professional Certification Board
Education/Credentials MS Counseling
Licensed Clinical Alcohol and Drug Counselor, Maryland
Expert: Jan Edward Williams Date: 5/9/2008 Subject: ended relationship from alcohol and prior abuse
Question QUESTION: my fiancé ended our relationship after she had entered rehab. She told me
that our relationship was stricktly based around alcohol. She had been
sexualy abused by her moms boyfriends when she was a teen. She told me
that she wasn't sure if she could trust me with her daughter when she got
older. That to me is an insult but understandable. She said she needed to
stop drinking and checked herself into rehab. After she got out and said that
she still had the trust issue and that getting back together would be a step
backwards right now. I told her I would do anything to help gain that trust.
She said that she needed to get herself straight and she didnt see her mind
changing but that she couldn't say for sure. She told me I should move on
and would call of she changed her mind and we could only be friends for
now. I would do anything to have her back. I have started seeing a councler
and she has told me that my fiancé is just asking for time what should I do?
ANSWER: Sean,
That's a tough situation for you to deal with. Your fiancé not only is apparently an alcoholic but has those serious trust issues related to past sexual abuse. I suspect that the alcohol may have helped her a bit to ignore the fear and trust problems from her that trauma. I tend to agree with your counselor that your fiancé needs, and is asking for, time. Recovery from alcoholism and sexual abuse takes focused hard work, and it is difficult for the person to give attention to a relationship at the same time.
It sounds as if you truly love your fiancé and do not wish to give up the relationship. I suggest that you begin attending Al-Anon, the Twelve Step program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/). This program, and the people there, can help you to understand how to take care of yourself and also be there for your fiancé. I suggest that you tell her that you love her, are not willing to move on because you want to be with her, and that you are attending Al-Anon to help you understand the situation. You might even suggest that you go to meetings together---often AA and Al-Anon hold meetings at the same time in the same location (different rooms). That way, you may be able to share recovery. I would also seek, through counseling and perhaps reading material on the subject, to learn about sexual abuse and associated trust issues and how to be gentle and patient with your fiancé. Good luck to you.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I asked for us to go together to aa but she declined. I told her when she said
it was over I will always love her and would wait. She responded that she
wish she could ask me to wait but wasn't sure if she would change her mind.
I have talked briefly to her about day to day things but I am scared to tell her
again that I wasn't willing to give up again for I don't want her to feel
pressure. I am going to start attending aa myself and tell her I am to see the
reaction. What kind of space should I give her without her thinking I'm
abandoning her? How much information is to much. I'm at a loss on how
much contact is to much and what I should tell her what I am feeling without
her feeling pressured.
Answer Sean,
As I said in my first response to you, I suggest that you attend Al-Anon, not AA, unless you have an alcohol problem, and just let your fiancé know you are doing so because you want to understand how the alcohol problem impacts you and your relationship, and because you wish to continue your relationship with her when she is ready. I suggest perhaps just a short letter or E-mail once a week or so telling her you still care, and that you are attending Al-Anon meetings and not putting any demands upon her. Good luck to you.
