AboutJan Edward Williams Expertise all questions related to drug or alcohol addiction, except those requiring the expertise of a physician or those relating to mental health problems apart from addiction. See my web site: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com
Experience I have been working as a licensed addictions counselor for 28 years and am in recovery myself for 30 years
Organizations Licensed Clinical Professional Counselors Maryland
Maryland Addictions Professional Certification Board
Education/Credentials MS Counseling
Licensed Clinical Alcohol and Drug Counselor, Maryland
Expert: Jan Edward Williams Date: 5/13/2008 Subject: ended relationship from alcohol and prior abuse
Question QUESTION: my fiancé ended our relationship after she had entered rehab. She told me
that our relationship was stricktly based around alcohol. She had been
sexualy abused by her moms boyfriends when she was a teen. She told me
that she wasn't sure if she could trust me with her daughter when she got
older. That to me is an insult but understandable. She said she needed to
stop drinking and checked herself into rehab. After she got out and said that
she still had the trust issue and that getting back together would be a step
backwards right now. I told her I would do anything to help gain that trust.
She said that she needed to get herself straight and she didnt see her mind
changing but that she couldn't say for sure. She told me I should move on
and would call of she changed her mind and we could only be friends for
now. I would do anything to have her back. I have started seeing a councler
and she has told me that my fiancé is just asking for time what should I do?
ANSWER: Sean,
That's a tough situation for you to deal with. Your fiancé not only is apparently an alcoholic but has those serious trust issues related to past sexual abuse. I suspect that the alcohol may have helped her a bit to ignore the fear and trust problems from her that trauma. I tend to agree with your counselor that your fiancé needs, and is asking for, time. Recovery from alcoholism and sexual abuse takes focused hard work, and it is difficult for the person to give attention to a relationship at the same time.
It sounds as if you truly love your fiancé and do not wish to give up the relationship. I suggest that you begin attending Al-Anon, the Twelve Step program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/). This program, and the people there, can help you to understand how to take care of yourself and also be there for your fiancé. I suggest that you tell her that you love her, are not willing to move on because you want to be with her, and that you are attending Al-Anon to help you understand the situation. You might even suggest that you go to meetings together---often AA and Al-Anon hold meetings at the same time in the same location (different rooms). That way, you may be able to share recovery. I would also seek, through counseling and perhaps reading material on the subject, to learn about sexual abuse and associated trust issues and how to be gentle and patient with your fiancé. Good luck to you.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I asked for us to go together to aa but she declined. I told her when she said
it was over I will always love her and would wait. She responded that she
wish she could ask me to wait but wasn't sure if she would change her mind.
I have talked briefly to her about day to day things but I am scared to tell her
again that I wasn't willing to give up again for I don't want her to feel
pressure. I am going to start attending aa myself and tell her I am to see the
reaction. What kind of space should I give her without her thinking I'm
abandoning her? How much information is to much. I'm at a loss on how
much contact is to much and what I should tell her what I am feeling without
her feeling pressured.
ANSWER: Sean,
As I said in my first response to you, I suggest that you attend Al-Anon, not AA, unless you have an alcohol problem, and just let your fiancé know you are doing so because you want to understand how the alcohol problem impacts you and your relationship, and because you wish to continue your relationship with her when she is ready. I suggest perhaps just a short letter or E-mail once a week or so telling her you still care, and that you are attending Al-Anon meetings and not putting any demands upon her. Good luck to you.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I have a few more questions. It seems like every conversation with my fiancé
just leads to more question in what she is saying. I told her I was attending al
alanon meetings and was dedicated to not drinking. I also used the words
that she gave me that if I am to be in arelationship with her or any one else
that I had to be committed to not drinking. I didnt want to say or anyone else
but I was affraid of putting pressure on her. Her reply was that makes her
happy. I believe she knows I mean her in the relationship. I also told her that
I understood a little of what she was going thru i still truly loved her, and to
take her time and feel better, that I would be here for you. She replied, ok
that she realy appreciated that and every thing else. I havnt heard any thing
from her since and she only talks to me when I text her or email her. I bought
something for her daughter the other day and wanted to send it to her with a
note saying that she doesn't have to know its from me but I thought she
would like it. I'm so affraid of pushing or making her trip. Is it normal for
people in her sittiation not to initiate contact. And with her responses is that
just a confirmation that she needs time?
Answer Sean, I think that you and your fiancé are in as about a good a place as you can be for now. You have done the correct things, going to Al-Anon and ltting her know you are dedicated to not drinking. I would continue the Al-Anon and just let her know (perhaps no more than once a week) you are still doing so and remain committed to the relationship, with no more pressure that that. Patience and Al-Anon are what I suggest you need for now.
