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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Substance Abuse > Addiction to Alcohol > ended relationship from alcohol and prior abuse
Expert: Jan Edward Williams
Date: 5/8/2008
Subject: ended relationship from alcohol and prior abuse
Question
my fiancé ended our relationship after she had entered rehab. She told me
that our relationship was stricktly based around alcohol. She had been
sexualy abused by her moms boyfriends when she was a teen. She told me
that she wasn't sure if she could trust me with her daughter when she got
older. That to me is an insult but understandable. She said she needed to
stop drinking and checked herself into rehab. After she got out and said that
she still had the trust issue and that getting back together would be a step
backwards right now. I told her I would do anything to help gain that trust.
She said that she needed to get herself straight and she didnt see her mind
changing but that she couldn't say for sure. She told me I should move on
and would call of she changed her mind and we could only be friends for
now. I would do anything to have her back. I have started seeing a councler
and she has told me that my fiancé is just asking for time what should I do?
Answer
Sean,
That's a tough situation for you to deal with. Your fiancé not only is apparently an alcoholic but has those serious trust issues related to past sexual abuse. I suspect that the alcohol may have helped her a bit to ignore the fear and trust problems from her that trauma. I tend to agree with your counselor that your fiancé needs, and is asking for, time. Recovery from alcoholism and sexual abuse takes focused hard work, and it is difficult for the person to give attention to a relationship at the same time.
It sounds as if you truly love your fiancé and do not wish to give up the relationship. I suggest that you begin attending Al-Anon, the Twelve Step program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/). This program, and the people there, can help you to understand how to take care of yourself and also be there for your fiancé. I suggest that you tell her that you love her, are not willing to move on because you want to be with her, and that you are attending Al-Anon to help you understand the situation. You might even suggest that you go to meetings together---often AA and Al-Anon hold meetings at the same time in the same location (different rooms). That way, you may be able to share recovery. I would also seek, through counseling and perhaps reading material on the subject, to learn about sexual abuse and associated trust issues and how to be gentle and patient with your fiancé. Good luck to you.
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